The Widening Gyre

Today I turned onto Highway 9 after dropping Maya off and preschool and had this sinking feeling.  The other shoe....it's going to drop.  Owen and I had been rocking out in the car on our way to pick up a few groceries when I had this realization.

Am I spinning, spiraling out of control and I just don't realize it?

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
    The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
    Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
                                          William Butler Yeats; The Second Coming

I have been able to travel through the past 5 days fairly confidently with the usual hiccups one would experience with two small children.  Feeling good about what we are doing, who we are with, how we are all coping emotionally had felt great.  But then, I wondered if I am at the peak of a major descent.  Usually I sense it coming but right now, I don't.  This scare me.

While I feel like I am pulling things together with myself, the house, the kids, I still feel like I am so easily injured by the things around me.  Yet, I constantly stop and listen to myself again apologizing to someone for something not in my control or theirs.  Why do I feel like always apologizing?  Today I apologized for asking the man stocking produce if they had any bananas that were more ripe.  It wasn't even clear to me why I felt sorry but I was apologizing for taking him away for what he was doing.  Perhaps it's just that.  I feel like we have lost our normal world and been enveloped by other peoples generosity yet it leaves me feeling bad that our lives have altered theirs.  

I am questioning if I am just ignorant to what the heck I am doing.  Spending so much time analyzing my life, the kids lives, the impact our lives have on other people, other people's impact on our lives, and trying to invision where this is leading us is consuming. 

I know, so don't, right?  If you are a widow you know it's easier said than done.  Not thinking about the conundrum leaves me feeling idle.  Feeling idle makes me feel overwhelming sadness which in turn leaves me feeling listless and lacking direction.  It is impossible for me to just be. 

It's only been two months...ten weeks tomorrow morning since my life changed completely.  There is a definite crossroad in my future but I am just not certain what it is, how to get there or what my choice should be once it's placed before me.  

Seventy days; had you asked me on day two if I would make it this far I am fairly certain I would have said no, but I have no choice but to make it.  I still feel like there is no other choice.