Reality check a day 353, grief still hurts.
On Sunday I attended my nieces' 5th birthday party. The reality of Chris' brother and best friend without him in their presence is still a stark reality. As I sat helping the babies decorate cupcakes the song Over the Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole came on in the cupcake shop. This song played several times as people got up from Chris' memorial service. It's in moments like those that I smile and say hello to Chris. I'm not sure they are signs of anything but they are moments in which I can smile and remember Chris. Subsequently, my neices' birthday party was one of the last events Chris attended. In my heart, it's one of the events in the count down to Chris' death.
Two days later I s on my way to plan a baby shower I heard the song The End by Pearl Jam and ... there I was with hot tears running down my face at the off ramp. I could swear I can hear my heart crack when I hear the line "How it pains me to leave me here with the kids on your own." Chris would never have left had there been a choice. He would not have wanted his children to question his absence or feel the pain of not knowing him.
That night I opened a book on grief that I had set aside months ago and this quote struck me...
"Real grief is not healed by time. If time does anything, it deepens our grief. The longer we live, the more fully we become aware of who he was for us, and the more intimately we experience what his love meant for us. Real, deep love is, as you know, very unobtrusive, seemingly easy and obvious and so present that we take it for granted. Therefore, it is often only in retrospect - or better, in memory- that we fully realize its power and depths. Yes, indeed, love often makes itself visible in pain." Henri Nouwen.
Not a day goes by when I don't often think of Chris. Usually with a fond memory, a smile. Sometimes with a tear at something he has missed in the lives of his children. The pain, though it's strength varies, is still palpable.
It's been quite awhile since I have had a truly terrible day but this week it started with Tuesday and it was then that I knew it was coming. The exhaustion of grief. In my life it has often manifested itself as exhaustion, the kind where you can barely open your eyes. Wednesday arrived with my body moving at an inept speed and my mind unable to shake the cobwebs of the past.
This morning I was drying off after my shower and looked down at the floor of the bath tub as my mind went to the question, what was his last breath like?
Really, I just want to know if he was scared or willing me to come help him. There is not only an amazing amount of pain but also guilt in the death of another, at least for me, know Chris was dying only 20 feet from where I sat.
So here I am at the cusp of the one year anniversary and as it is with children, our routines are very similar despite the unrecognizable format of my life.
I struggled to live through the 9 o'clock hour for weeks after Chris' death followed by my detest of Wednesdays then my dislike of the 17th. So what is it now? Right now I dislike my brain's ability to replay a month's worth of events, to feel the emotions of that day so clearly, to hear the conversations from that morning echo through the chambers of my mind.
What will you be doing on November 17th at 9:30 a.m.? Yeah, I'm not sure either.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
16
Today while in the car by myself I heard The End by Pearl Jam and was pushed into tears. The song epitomizes so much of what I feel about the end of Chris' life. The dreams that were given up, the life plan that as pushed aside, the future that became a blur.
I am still amazd that I can be pushed back into those feelings so easily.
Maya is forgetting. In some ways I am thankful. (Some of you gasped...I heard it). I am thankful that the days of sheer begging for Chris to return, to go see him in Heaven, to have one last hug and kiss, one last daddy's song....they are gone. 349 days later those moments have been repaced by passing notations that she misses her daddy or retelling of memories from 'when daddy was here.' I still find that my voice momentarily catches, my heart races and my jaw tightenes. We made such great memories. Chris was always so greatful for all the family time we had and adventures we planned with the kids.
Owen....really there is so litte to say. My boy looks more and more like his dad as the days and months pass. He has Chris' mischevious grin and the twinkle in his eye. But the memories, there are not any. As always, I am troubled by what this means for his future.
I'm not sure what the next 16 days will bring or how I will feel on November 17 and 9:30 a.m. I'm not sure what that moment will entail mentally and emotionally for me. But...it's coming, like a passenger train with an on time arrival..only the passengers on this train are emotions and memories.
In my brain, I feel like I need to toast Chris. His laughter and enthusiasm made my world a happy place. He entrusted in me two beautiful children and for that alone he will always hold a piece of my heart and I will aways wonder what he would say and think about how I am doing...in my life, with our children, headed into my future.
I am still amazd that I can be pushed back into those feelings so easily.
Maya is forgetting. In some ways I am thankful. (Some of you gasped...I heard it). I am thankful that the days of sheer begging for Chris to return, to go see him in Heaven, to have one last hug and kiss, one last daddy's song....they are gone. 349 days later those moments have been repaced by passing notations that she misses her daddy or retelling of memories from 'when daddy was here.' I still find that my voice momentarily catches, my heart races and my jaw tightenes. We made such great memories. Chris was always so greatful for all the family time we had and adventures we planned with the kids.
Owen....really there is so litte to say. My boy looks more and more like his dad as the days and months pass. He has Chris' mischevious grin and the twinkle in his eye. But the memories, there are not any. As always, I am troubled by what this means for his future.
I'm not sure what the next 16 days will bring or how I will feel on November 17 and 9:30 a.m. I'm not sure what that moment will entail mentally and emotionally for me. But...it's coming, like a passenger train with an on time arrival..only the passengers on this train are emotions and memories.
In my brain, I feel like I need to toast Chris. His laughter and enthusiasm made my world a happy place. He entrusted in me two beautiful children and for that alone he will always hold a piece of my heart and I will aways wonder what he would say and think about how I am doing...in my life, with our children, headed into my future.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Disneyland
Yep, we did it...took 3 kids under the age of 5 to Disneyland. And...we had a blast. Of course we were with my parents, my sister and her husband as well as my niece but it felt like a major accomplishment never the less. Here is a pictorial review of our 6 days in the Happiest Place on Earth!
The group...minus Miss C.
The boys on Dumbo!!!
The girls on Dumbo!
Peak a boo!
Hello?!?
Flik's Flyers with Grandma and Papa
Princess Belle and the kiddos
Riley and Charissa chasing Maya
Maya on the water slide!!
Shaun on the water slide!
Owen on the water slide!
An adult libation
Dressed up for Mickey's Halloween Party!
Pirate Owen
Cinderella Riley
Sunday, October 9, 2011
October, so it begins
I feel like the beginning of fall has brought me full circle and now I am reliving your final days but without you.
In some moments my memories are sweet. We were always so busy with kid activities and family outings. Fall brought Halloween activities, birthday parties, visits to the pumpkin patch, holiday planning, football games. These things are beginning to revolve around me and I am spending a lot of time reminiscing about what these things were like with you. I miss your presence. At moments I feel the anger again that you are gone. It's been many months since I have felt anger, but grief is circular and it has emerged once again.
I am also spending a large amount of time thinking about how much our kids have changed. Just typing that sentence brought the tightness to my throat and tears to my eyes. In all of this past year that is what has been the most difficult for me. Not being single, not the title of widow, not the sleepless nights but the thought that you would have done anything to be here for Maya and Owen, to experience their childhood, to watch them grow and learn. It breaks my heart to think that though Owen can now pick you out in a picture, he doesn't have a single memory of you that he will be able to call his own. Maya is talking about you often. I am not sure if it is coincidental or if she senses something major is shifting as we head toward the one year mark. You would be excited by everything she is doing. She even went fishing with the pole we bought her last year. Despite the emerging attitude, she is still such a sweetheart.
I also find myself thinking about the things that you loved and that now go on without you. Husky football, the Broncos, Thanksgiving, camping, family vacations, Christmas, sushi, goody runs. It's hard to not think you feel like you are missing out on this world. How could you not feel like that when your children were so small when you died? It's difficult to think you feel at peace with not experiencing more of this world with us.
321 days in. 39 to go. But....then what? The countdown really seems insignificant in light of the fact that I have always pushed myself to remember that you are gone, eternally. Objects, rituals, clothing don't bring you back. After the 39 days have come and gone, life will still move forward further away from the moment you took your last breath and with that we all must move forward with our acceptance of and peace with the life that remains.
In some moments my memories are sweet. We were always so busy with kid activities and family outings. Fall brought Halloween activities, birthday parties, visits to the pumpkin patch, holiday planning, football games. These things are beginning to revolve around me and I am spending a lot of time reminiscing about what these things were like with you. I miss your presence. At moments I feel the anger again that you are gone. It's been many months since I have felt anger, but grief is circular and it has emerged once again.
I am also spending a large amount of time thinking about how much our kids have changed. Just typing that sentence brought the tightness to my throat and tears to my eyes. In all of this past year that is what has been the most difficult for me. Not being single, not the title of widow, not the sleepless nights but the thought that you would have done anything to be here for Maya and Owen, to experience their childhood, to watch them grow and learn. It breaks my heart to think that though Owen can now pick you out in a picture, he doesn't have a single memory of you that he will be able to call his own. Maya is talking about you often. I am not sure if it is coincidental or if she senses something major is shifting as we head toward the one year mark. You would be excited by everything she is doing. She even went fishing with the pole we bought her last year. Despite the emerging attitude, she is still such a sweetheart.
I also find myself thinking about the things that you loved and that now go on without you. Husky football, the Broncos, Thanksgiving, camping, family vacations, Christmas, sushi, goody runs. It's hard to not think you feel like you are missing out on this world. How could you not feel like that when your children were so small when you died? It's difficult to think you feel at peace with not experiencing more of this world with us.
321 days in. 39 to go. But....then what? The countdown really seems insignificant in light of the fact that I have always pushed myself to remember that you are gone, eternally. Objects, rituals, clothing don't bring you back. After the 39 days have come and gone, life will still move forward further away from the moment you took your last breath and with that we all must move forward with our acceptance of and peace with the life that remains.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
So Much
I balked at posting the past two posts primarily because I was taken aback by the cruel judgment and couldn't decide how much of my life I cared to remark about. Alas, I have come full circle and here I am, even posting the previously unpublished posts. This, however, is about our life.
At the end of June, I had 1 and 3 year photos taken of Maya and Owen. Here are a few of my favorites. I still cannot believe my babies are growing up so fast!
At the end of July myself, Maya and Owen were in my sister Tori's wedding. Unfortunately both Maya and Owen had injuries....Owen got into a fight with a shelf and lost which resulted in a black eye and three stitches. Maya got into a fight with the arm rest on the couch and lost which resulted in a very swollen cheek and one stitch. Either way, I'm shocked CPS wasn't called as it was the two days in a row prior to Tori's wedding.
In August we took a leap of faith and took all three kids tent camping with two other couples: six adults and seven kids ranging from 4 months to 4 1/2 years. The kids had a blast despite a very sleep deprived Riley who wasn't digging the whole tent sleeping thing. Overall, however, we made some great memories and it will definitely be a trip to look back on and laugh.
Finally some random photos...playing in the backyard, painting, playing at Grandma and Papa's, jet skiing in Brewster and bubble baths!
This summer has been one of learning, loving and the beginning of a wonderful life with three of the most amazing kids. I am astonished at where I have found myself but I have never felt more at peace with the direction of my life and how my kids are transitioning. We have had an awesome summer and I'm excited to see where fall will take us!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Judgment
Today, what would have been Chris' 35th birthday, I woke up at 4:45 a.m. to a text from a friend, more or less warning me about a post of my Facebook page...yes Facebook.
Today, as I read scathing remarks from this person I came to the point where I wondered who really is in a position to judge my life, my decisions, my path. In the end I stand by every decision I have made and the path I have chosen for myself as well as my children.
The question remains, how does one disregard the judgment of another? I am at a loss to understand when this became about anyone else but Chris and those close to him.
I'm tired. Tired of feeling judged, feeling like so many need to voice their opinion about my life let alone the picture I post on my facebook page.
I'm shocked that the path of grief must become to guarded. It's hard to know whom to trust. Chris' death left an enormous gap of uncertainty and insecurity. So why would anyone exacerbate this and offer up a cruel and judgmental opinion to a situation that is not even impacting them.
Today, as I read scathing remarks from this person I came to the point where I wondered who really is in a position to judge my life, my decisions, my path. In the end I stand by every decision I have made and the path I have chosen for myself as well as my children.
The question remains, how does one disregard the judgment of another? I am at a loss to understand when this became about anyone else but Chris and those close to him.
I'm tired. Tired of feeling judged, feeling like so many need to voice their opinion about my life let alone the picture I post on my facebook page.
I'm shocked that the path of grief must become to guarded. It's hard to know whom to trust. Chris' death left an enormous gap of uncertainty and insecurity. So why would anyone exacerbate this and offer up a cruel and judgmental opinion to a situation that is not even impacting them.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Back in Time
There are moments where the smallest things momentarily propel me back in time. It happens quite rarely but yesterday the hole in my heart was quite apparent.
My kids were ushered away by my dad and I washed the carpet in the living room and on the stairs after which I stopped for a break and I glanced at my email and scrolled through Facebook on my phone. That's when it happened.
A Facebook post.
I was reminded in that post about the confirmation I was always expecting from Chris. Of course, immediately after his death I spent weeks agonizing about the fact that I didn't sense he was dying only 15 feet from where I sat with the kids watching cartoons. I felt like, he being my spouse, I should be 'allowed' some sort of confirmation of the other side, of his peace, of his passage. Almost 9 months out. Nothing. Of course most of you know I stopped expecting anything about 6 months ago.
I was also reminded by this post that my life is great. I am smiling, laughing and that fog from the initial phase of grief lifted long ago. Taking this post to heart, I have to say I know Chris is at peace with my life and with the path I have chosen for myself and our kids. I know he is because the man in my life is so patient, loving, playful, and silly with not only me but with Maya and Owen as well.
Of course, I spent the past 24 hours thinking about this post then got on just now only to glance at one of the widow blogs as I signed in to find a judgmental post about dating in the first year. The writer described herself as feeling ticked off when others got into relationship and 'ran to the alter'. What also surprised me was the response which indicated the writer feeling that every new widow who gets into a relationship will wake from the fog to find themselves with the wrong person and in the wrong place.
I know that not everyone was or is ready to see me in a relationship and that widows have their own sense of what the journey should look like. Honestly, when I met Shaun I wasn't sure I was ready to see myself in a relationship either. It was more of an experiment. Now, it's my life and my love. Two months into this relationship it is still new and we are still figuring out our rhythm with three kids, two dogs, rotating days with one child, work and activities. But the hiccups are few and the love is amazing.
My life events and experiences have lead me to this point, to this love, to this new life. I am amazed by Shaun's comfort with my widowhood, with the space in my heart which will always miss Chris, with my guilt that my children will not know the father who loved them so fiercely. I am amazed and comforted that he gives me space for these feelings, has no sense of animosity toward my situation and supports my need to keep Chris' spirit and memory alive. Our lives lead us to one another, I have no doubt about that fact.
My kids were ushered away by my dad and I washed the carpet in the living room and on the stairs after which I stopped for a break and I glanced at my email and scrolled through Facebook on my phone. That's when it happened.
A Facebook post.
I was reminded in that post about the confirmation I was always expecting from Chris. Of course, immediately after his death I spent weeks agonizing about the fact that I didn't sense he was dying only 15 feet from where I sat with the kids watching cartoons. I felt like, he being my spouse, I should be 'allowed' some sort of confirmation of the other side, of his peace, of his passage. Almost 9 months out. Nothing. Of course most of you know I stopped expecting anything about 6 months ago.
I was also reminded by this post that my life is great. I am smiling, laughing and that fog from the initial phase of grief lifted long ago. Taking this post to heart, I have to say I know Chris is at peace with my life and with the path I have chosen for myself and our kids. I know he is because the man in my life is so patient, loving, playful, and silly with not only me but with Maya and Owen as well.
Of course, I spent the past 24 hours thinking about this post then got on just now only to glance at one of the widow blogs as I signed in to find a judgmental post about dating in the first year. The writer described herself as feeling ticked off when others got into relationship and 'ran to the alter'. What also surprised me was the response which indicated the writer feeling that every new widow who gets into a relationship will wake from the fog to find themselves with the wrong person and in the wrong place.
I know that not everyone was or is ready to see me in a relationship and that widows have their own sense of what the journey should look like. Honestly, when I met Shaun I wasn't sure I was ready to see myself in a relationship either. It was more of an experiment. Now, it's my life and my love. Two months into this relationship it is still new and we are still figuring out our rhythm with three kids, two dogs, rotating days with one child, work and activities. But the hiccups are few and the love is amazing.
My life events and experiences have lead me to this point, to this love, to this new life. I am amazed by Shaun's comfort with my widowhood, with the space in my heart which will always miss Chris, with my guilt that my children will not know the father who loved them so fiercely. I am amazed and comforted that he gives me space for these feelings, has no sense of animosity toward my situation and supports my need to keep Chris' spirit and memory alive. Our lives lead us to one another, I have no doubt about that fact.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Happiness
I have logged in and out trying to decide what to write.
My life is strangely 'normal' with the moderate roller coaster of residual grief that is ever present. I am convinced this grief will always weigh on my heart in some capacity especially in those moments when Maya talks about Chris. They heartache I feel watching my child work through this loss is still raw.
Right now, this grief is mostly present in two capacities. Plain and simple I miss Chris. I truly believe I will die with the sadness of his sudden absence on my heart. Second, the grief is ever present in Maya. The other day we watched Tangled for the millionth time and she asked, as Flynn Ryder dies, if dying is like sleeping. Yes, it can look like sleeping but it's very different, was my answer as the vision of Chris looking like he sat down and fell asleep lingered in the back of my mind.
On Monday, as we walked through Fred Meyer our conversation wandered from the definition of divorce, why Shaun's daughter was with her mom, if I was divorced, and ultimately Chris' death. At one point as I said "No Maya, mommy and daddy didn't get divorced. It's different when one person dies. It's called being widowed," an older man walking by suddenly stopped and his jaw dropped to the ground. I forget that these conversations can be stunning to the average person. For us, they are normal and necessary. My dating Shaun has brought up all sorts of subjects. Maya was familiar with divorce because she has an aunt who is divorced and is now getting married. I suppose in a way it set her up to understand Shaun and Rylie's life. In the end, Maya asks major questions of which she only somewhat understands the answers to. Lucky for me, I found a guy who has taken this head on, jumped in with two feet and doesn't hesitate to answers the difficult questions.
In the end, there is happiness. More happiness than I imagined possible again in this life time.
In this happiness has been the regiment of introductions both of Shaun to my family and friends as well as myself to his. It's an interesting phenomenon primarily because my happiness is overwhelming. When schedules have not allowed much more than a phone call and a few text messages, I miss Shaun immensely. I'm reminded of this new normal where I am trying to mesh my ongoing life with Shaun's. Transition. In these moments of introductions, the rawness is extraordinary. For a moment there is the once over analysis, the welcome, the awkward questions and even the silence. I won't lie and say the road of introductions has been smooth, because it certainly has not. There have been moments where I can see the pain of Chris' death resonate in the eyes of my friends and family. As Owen climbs comfortably up to snuggle into Shaun's lap, I wonder if my friends and family find that moment painful. The transition is amazingly easy for Owen but unlike the rest of us he has spent 1/3 of his life without Chris. He has no recollection of the phone calls in which Chris' death was relayed or the massive medic and police response. For this I am both grateful and sad. I know that this new chapter is, in some ways, more difficult for some people who are watching it happen. They aren't sure what to think, they don't know what to feel...moving forward is ...well, hard.
Happiness.
Two months ago, as I pondered the dating world I wondered about a plethora of issues ranging from whether I should wait until a year had come and gone to whether I would ever find someone who could fill my life with the love, laughter and comfort I craved. In the end, my intention was to go on a single date with Shaun. Get to know him, explore my comfort with dating and figure out if I was truly ready for it all. Instead I found someone I am enamored with.
And, because so many of you have asked...here's how we met.
On May 26th I had my hair done...my appointment was 3 hours long, as always, during which we talked a lot about my dating life. Courtney, my hair dresser, has known me for 6 years...through all of this and has gained an interesting perspective. We were joking about where I would meet someone and stumbled on the idea of a dating website. I brushed it off. About 10 years ago, I signed up for one and ended up on a very awkward date with the older brother of one of my students (it was my first year teaching high school). However, I woke up the next morning and decided, just maybe I would do it.
So I did....May 27th. That day I got an email from a guy in an army uniform who said he liked my smile. They whole thing made me laugh. I wasn't at all sold on the idea of meeting someone on the Internet. But, instead of deleting the email, I responded...and he wrote back....and I wrote back. That night he sent me his cell number and we texted for a couple of days until he called...at 6:00 a.m. on his way home from work. He was funny, interesting, smart....and I was sold on at least checking him out in person.
A couple phone calls later, he told me he was leaving for three weeks for training. I remember laughing out loud, thinking, seriously dude! You decided to get to know someone a week before you leave for almost a month. Really, I wrote off the whole thing at that point. We had set up a date which ultimately fell through when he had to leave for training a day earlier. Really, there were two opportunities to see him that week but I didn't make the effort. I really did write it off. Nice guy, wrong time.
Despite my writing it all off as a 'could have been' we wound up texting constantly, talking several times a day and I totally fell for him in a very unconventional way....because, of course, we hadn't even met in person yet. He sent pictures of what he was doing, answered my random questions and we spent tons of time talking about our lives and the past. After two weeks I couldn't stand it any more and decided to take a road trip to Yakima.
I was super early and wasted time in Ellensburg getting my oil changed then headed on to meet Shaun. Still early I stopped to get something to drink at a gas station down the street. I walked out and noticed I had missed a call, only to look up and see this tall, incredibly good looking guy in uniform getting out of a Humvee. Maybe I should back track and say, the uniform thing, was never really me. It absolutely is now. It took me a split second to realize...it was him. His smile, his eyes, I was sold on him.
Ultimately we only had about 13 hours to spend together but the drive was absolutely worth it.
You can probably guess there have been loads of deep discussion in the 3 weeks since he came home. Maya is old enough to need an explanation about what a boyfriend is, why people get divorced, where Rylie is when she's not around, why we don't visit Rylie at her mom's, the difference between widowhood and divorce, etc. Not to mention the idea of dating at 34 with kids, life obligations, etc. is a completely different world than dating at 25. We've also tackled the outings with two, 2 year olds and a 4 year old. Shaun's daughter is one day younger than Owen...weird, right? We've been asked if they are twins, if we have triplets and are learning to navigate being totally outnumbered. I'm always outnumbered but one of them is just mouthy...not a run away. Two run aways is a different story.
In the moments I stop to catch my breath, I feel like Shaun has been a part of me, always. Life took a tragic, unexpected turn, yet I have found myself in a place I know I am meant to be with a person I know I am meant to be with. In those moments I count my blessing for a phenomenal man whom I am absolutely in love with.
My life is strangely 'normal' with the moderate roller coaster of residual grief that is ever present. I am convinced this grief will always weigh on my heart in some capacity especially in those moments when Maya talks about Chris. They heartache I feel watching my child work through this loss is still raw.
Right now, this grief is mostly present in two capacities. Plain and simple I miss Chris. I truly believe I will die with the sadness of his sudden absence on my heart. Second, the grief is ever present in Maya. The other day we watched Tangled for the millionth time and she asked, as Flynn Ryder dies, if dying is like sleeping. Yes, it can look like sleeping but it's very different, was my answer as the vision of Chris looking like he sat down and fell asleep lingered in the back of my mind.
On Monday, as we walked through Fred Meyer our conversation wandered from the definition of divorce, why Shaun's daughter was with her mom, if I was divorced, and ultimately Chris' death. At one point as I said "No Maya, mommy and daddy didn't get divorced. It's different when one person dies. It's called being widowed," an older man walking by suddenly stopped and his jaw dropped to the ground. I forget that these conversations can be stunning to the average person. For us, they are normal and necessary. My dating Shaun has brought up all sorts of subjects. Maya was familiar with divorce because she has an aunt who is divorced and is now getting married. I suppose in a way it set her up to understand Shaun and Rylie's life. In the end, Maya asks major questions of which she only somewhat understands the answers to. Lucky for me, I found a guy who has taken this head on, jumped in with two feet and doesn't hesitate to answers the difficult questions.
In the end, there is happiness. More happiness than I imagined possible again in this life time.
In this happiness has been the regiment of introductions both of Shaun to my family and friends as well as myself to his. It's an interesting phenomenon primarily because my happiness is overwhelming. When schedules have not allowed much more than a phone call and a few text messages, I miss Shaun immensely. I'm reminded of this new normal where I am trying to mesh my ongoing life with Shaun's. Transition. In these moments of introductions, the rawness is extraordinary. For a moment there is the once over analysis, the welcome, the awkward questions and even the silence. I won't lie and say the road of introductions has been smooth, because it certainly has not. There have been moments where I can see the pain of Chris' death resonate in the eyes of my friends and family. As Owen climbs comfortably up to snuggle into Shaun's lap, I wonder if my friends and family find that moment painful. The transition is amazingly easy for Owen but unlike the rest of us he has spent 1/3 of his life without Chris. He has no recollection of the phone calls in which Chris' death was relayed or the massive medic and police response. For this I am both grateful and sad. I know that this new chapter is, in some ways, more difficult for some people who are watching it happen. They aren't sure what to think, they don't know what to feel...moving forward is ...well, hard.
Happiness.
Two months ago, as I pondered the dating world I wondered about a plethora of issues ranging from whether I should wait until a year had come and gone to whether I would ever find someone who could fill my life with the love, laughter and comfort I craved. In the end, my intention was to go on a single date with Shaun. Get to know him, explore my comfort with dating and figure out if I was truly ready for it all. Instead I found someone I am enamored with.
And, because so many of you have asked...here's how we met.
On May 26th I had my hair done...my appointment was 3 hours long, as always, during which we talked a lot about my dating life. Courtney, my hair dresser, has known me for 6 years...through all of this and has gained an interesting perspective. We were joking about where I would meet someone and stumbled on the idea of a dating website. I brushed it off. About 10 years ago, I signed up for one and ended up on a very awkward date with the older brother of one of my students (it was my first year teaching high school). However, I woke up the next morning and decided, just maybe I would do it.
So I did....May 27th. That day I got an email from a guy in an army uniform who said he liked my smile. They whole thing made me laugh. I wasn't at all sold on the idea of meeting someone on the Internet. But, instead of deleting the email, I responded...and he wrote back....and I wrote back. That night he sent me his cell number and we texted for a couple of days until he called...at 6:00 a.m. on his way home from work. He was funny, interesting, smart....and I was sold on at least checking him out in person.
A couple phone calls later, he told me he was leaving for three weeks for training. I remember laughing out loud, thinking, seriously dude! You decided to get to know someone a week before you leave for almost a month. Really, I wrote off the whole thing at that point. We had set up a date which ultimately fell through when he had to leave for training a day earlier. Really, there were two opportunities to see him that week but I didn't make the effort. I really did write it off. Nice guy, wrong time.
Despite my writing it all off as a 'could have been' we wound up texting constantly, talking several times a day and I totally fell for him in a very unconventional way....because, of course, we hadn't even met in person yet. He sent pictures of what he was doing, answered my random questions and we spent tons of time talking about our lives and the past. After two weeks I couldn't stand it any more and decided to take a road trip to Yakima.
I was super early and wasted time in Ellensburg getting my oil changed then headed on to meet Shaun. Still early I stopped to get something to drink at a gas station down the street. I walked out and noticed I had missed a call, only to look up and see this tall, incredibly good looking guy in uniform getting out of a Humvee. Maybe I should back track and say, the uniform thing, was never really me. It absolutely is now. It took me a split second to realize...it was him. His smile, his eyes, I was sold on him.
Ultimately we only had about 13 hours to spend together but the drive was absolutely worth it.
You can probably guess there have been loads of deep discussion in the 3 weeks since he came home. Maya is old enough to need an explanation about what a boyfriend is, why people get divorced, where Rylie is when she's not around, why we don't visit Rylie at her mom's, the difference between widowhood and divorce, etc. Not to mention the idea of dating at 34 with kids, life obligations, etc. is a completely different world than dating at 25. We've also tackled the outings with two, 2 year olds and a 4 year old. Shaun's daughter is one day younger than Owen...weird, right? We've been asked if they are twins, if we have triplets and are learning to navigate being totally outnumbered. I'm always outnumbered but one of them is just mouthy...not a run away. Two run aways is a different story.
In the moments I stop to catch my breath, I feel like Shaun has been a part of me, always. Life took a tragic, unexpected turn, yet I have found myself in a place I know I am meant to be with a person I know I am meant to be with. In those moments I count my blessing for a phenomenal man whom I am absolutely in love with.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Details
The sheer number of emails and text messages I have received about about the new man in my life floored me. However, it really shouldn't have given the fact I have written so openly about my life since Chris died and know that so many closely follow our journey through this world so of course you would be curious. I've been an open book which begs the question, why not now?
When Chris died my life became this open book. To answer the bombardment of questions, I began writing about it all. It was amazingly cathartic despite the overwhelming loss of privacy. The loss of privacy was healing and continues to be. I never feel like I take a step alone. On the nights I would write about the 'ugly' cry at 2 a.m. I would almost immediately receive a text or email from someone who had just read about it and wanted to send their love my way. The response was immediate and reassuring. Grief strips you of privacy in the same way that childbirth does. There is no hiding the rawness and reality of it all.
Now, for the first time in many months, I had something that was my secret and I wanted to keep it that way. Of course, I couldn't help but leak a few details. He's too amazing not to.
So here's what you need to know. He is amazingly sweet, and kind and thoughtful. He is funny and goofy and adorable. He is enamored by his almost 2 year old daughter. He is intelligent, hard working and well spoken. He's got beautiful eyes that are hard to look away from and he is even more gorgeous in person than in any picture
In 4 days he comes back from training and I am sure you then will hear more about him. Until you meet him, you'll just have to take my word about how fantastic he is.
When Chris died my life became this open book. To answer the bombardment of questions, I began writing about it all. It was amazingly cathartic despite the overwhelming loss of privacy. The loss of privacy was healing and continues to be. I never feel like I take a step alone. On the nights I would write about the 'ugly' cry at 2 a.m. I would almost immediately receive a text or email from someone who had just read about it and wanted to send their love my way. The response was immediate and reassuring. Grief strips you of privacy in the same way that childbirth does. There is no hiding the rawness and reality of it all.
Now, for the first time in many months, I had something that was my secret and I wanted to keep it that way. Of course, I couldn't help but leak a few details. He's too amazing not to.
So here's what you need to know. He is amazingly sweet, and kind and thoughtful. He is funny and goofy and adorable. He is enamored by his almost 2 year old daughter. He is intelligent, hard working and well spoken. He's got beautiful eyes that are hard to look away from and he is even more gorgeous in person than in any picture
In 4 days he comes back from training and I am sure you then will hear more about him. Until you meet him, you'll just have to take my word about how fantastic he is.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Total Bombshell
I know it was a bombshell. A few of you knew, but I had been enjoying my secret. For once something in my life was just mine and it was happy and I loved it! For once I wasn't hiding pain and sadness and it was such a welcome relief I almost didn't want to share.
But I outed myself; he's too wonderful not to share at least a little about. I have a boyfriend though the word seems to apply to 15 year old high school students and not my life.
I had contemplated dating again back in April but had spoken the words aloud to very few. The reactions I got were slightly questionable which made me wonder if I was insane. But here's the deal. Widowhood is an in-your-face sort of experience. I feel like I am and have always faced it head on. At times it has kicked my ass but I finally arrived at a place of peace. So, I stepped up to the plate...or the website. I know, I know. What is the world coming to?
It was one those surreal moments like picking the petals off a daisy, wondering if you're in or out?
I won't divulge too many details, but I was in.
A week after we started emailing, texting and talking on the phone he left for training 3 hours away. At first I thought, oh well...he was nice. Instead it lead to about 5,000 text messages...and counting since he isn't home for 4 more days. I did, however, get to go see him last Saturday....
I wasn't expecting this. I'm reading this book called Sing You Home and in it this girl talks about her counselor working her way into her troubled life. Ok, so the scenario is very different BUT her words are applicable. She said "She kind of crept up on me. But...not like in a bad way. Like when you're standing on the beach right down by the ocean, and you think you've got a handle on it, and then when you look down again you've sunk so far that the water's up to your hips. And before you can get freaked out, you realize you actually don't mind going swimming." That's how this is.
Instead of overwhelming anxiety about meeting him, there was peace and I realized it was not just good, it was awesome.
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