Tonight my ears are ringing. It's 10:03 p.m. and I am sitting in bed not because I am tired but because I am bored and was lacking anything else to do.
I guess this is the dilemma.
Today began with two crying kids. Uber whiny. I was going to try to make it to the gym but instead dove head first into cutting Owen's hair which had not been cut since the Monday before Chris died. Ten weeks. I have to say, my second try was better than my first.
The most often uttered phrase of the day? It was "Just a second and I will come play with you." Man, I hate that. Unfortunately, today I needed to scrub the kid's bathroom, empty garbage cans, call Social Security, get a pension form notarized, call the UA pension office to figure out what I really qualify for in 21 years, call to cancel something, and pay some bills. In my old life, I would do a few things and leave the rest for when a second adult arrived home to wrangle kids. Now, there is no time like the present because it needs to get done and there is just me.
There is JUST me.
This realization always sucks...especially when I am on hold with the social security office because the automated system booted me back through three times and I cussed at it. Apparently, cussing sends you right to a representative. I laughed aloud when the representative reminded me I am supposed to use my children's funds for monthly food, clothing, etc. and not put it in savings. Um, huh? She noted she had to tell me that because I was changing all of our accounts to direct deposit into my checking account. Of course, I waited to call until Owen was down knowing it would be a long phone call. Unfortunately Maya chose the moment the representative answered to ask for a banana then throw a fit because I told her to wait.
By the time bedtime for the kids comes at 8 p.m. I am unusually awake. So odd since I spend the day exhausted. However, trying to find entertainment for the night drives me nuts. Instead I do idle things and waste time. Honestly, what I miss most about the evenings with Chris are the conversations we would have. He loved to play devils advocate for everything, mostly to get me riled up. I miss that.
So, here I am at 10:15 p.m., wide awake, wondering what to do. If I begin to collect cats to talk to, please stage an intervention.
Oh, if only I had checked this sooner, we could have shared uber-grouchy (except I'm wondering if it was me rather than my kids who were ubering today!) stories over the phone. But now that its almost midnight, I'll spare you the alarming call!
ReplyDeleteSome days just require a ton of 'busy work,' don't' they? but just think of all those things you got to check off your list!!! (yep, those good ole lists!)
The nights will always be the hardest. It seems so odd that during times of stress you are so tired during the day and awake at night. I don't either and my stress can't hold a candle to what you are experiencing. Love you B. I know it isn't the same but we are here.
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