Guilty

Last Thursday I had the best conversation a former English teacher/stay at home momma could have with her 3 1/2 year old.  Maya wanted to know who Juliet was!  Granted this was an offshoot from listening to a little Taylor Swift but I had butterflies in my stomach.  Not only did I get to tell her about Romeo and Juliet but we also talked about plays and Shakespeare as well as the Elizabethan era.  Ok, no, it was not in depth but man, did I love that conversation.  Maybe preschoolers should really be my target audience for teaching Shakespeare?

This conversation took place after several days of random ugly crying.  Basically I didn't feel too desolate however I would suddenly just cry.  It was startling to me too.  I even stood in Zumba trying not to cry and started to wondering why I couldn't hold it together in public and retain these moments for the privacy of my own home or at least the car.  Heck, I'd even take a restroom stall.

I am pretty sure I poured salt in my gaping wound by renting the movie Dear John.  It is slightly masochistic but I seem to continually rent these romantic movies.  Sadly, I was incredibly jealous of the love story and it made me long for my love story. 

Though sadly out of sequence, this post, I will have you know that by Wednesday my kidlets were making me a bit batty.  Maya and Owen have started....fighting.  Basically Maya fights with Owen and he either yells or grunts back, sometimes throwing himself to the floor or marching up to me to scream and point back to Maya.  Eventually I sequestered Maya to her room so the kids could have space.  It is in moments like that where I begin to question why the second parent is in heaven and not here physically shouldering some of the parenting.  Wow.  Thank God my mom was able to come by because I was looney by noon. 

My combination of random crying, salt, fighting kids, and Shakespeare created a wicked cocktail.  Come Friday my parents took the kids for the night and I went shopping for running shoes.  Of course, it couldn't be a carefree evening, instead I stopped at the mailbox where I unearthed a condolence card, a birthday card, an 'I love you, you're doing awesome' card and Chris' new debit card.  The bank doesn't know he's dead.  I spend so much time preparing myself for the big stuff...Wednesday mornings, month 'anniversaries', holidays and celebrations, etc.  I don't have an internal dialogue for getting the mail yet but I am beginning to see perhaps I need to give myself a pep talk before I open the box. 

Lucky for me, I had a good friend call me why I was out shopping for shoes.  Insistence is really the only way I participate in things outside of my normal bubble or routine.  A few weeks back I decided I was doing so well that I could venture 'out.'  Bad idea.  I got antsy, nauseous, nervous.  Back to the story.  There was insistence.  The kids were gone so after awhile I agreed.  Unfortunately I had to drive 35 minutes and during that drive I looked at every off ramp wondering if I should turn around.  My desire to try to act 'normal' outweighed my desire to return to my den and hibernate.  In the end.....(insert drum roll)....I had ....fun.  I played with a super cute 17 month old, drank my second glass of wine since Chris' passing, played Kinect and indulged in a little escapism.  Of course, my life is never far from my immediate attention.  In then end, I had a great time and cannot believe I just typed those words.  Or course, coming home to my empty house, cold bed and lonely dog just reinforced my status in life but for a few minutes I felt like...me.  And then, that realization made me feel guilty.