Steady

July 2009

The past four days have been fairly steady....knock on wood.  Occasionally the floodgates open and I feel bombarded by emotions but for the most part the waves have momentarily subsided and I am so grateful.  Of course, I was thinking just that when I went into Maya's room after she had gone to sleep.  She forgot her baby doll downstairs so I promised to bring him to bed once she was asleep.  Standing at her beside  I smiled at my baby girl who had a faint smile on her own face.  I tucked her baby into bed and as I turned Maya said "oh daddy....".  Stopping in my tracks I looked over at her.  She readjusted in bed and was quiet again.  In my head I wondered...is she dreaming, does he visit her, is it possible?  Thankfully Maya has been quite steady too.  We talk about Chris and the funny things he used to do.  She goes through his stuff and has a few favorite items (some poker chips and his business cards) but mostly we just talk about how great he was.  Honestly, I always knew he was funny but Maya is just really learning what funny is so she is fascinated by things he said and did.  Sharing those stories with her has become a favorite pastime of ours.  The pang of sadness enveloped my heart as I left Maya's room.  Listening to your baby girl talk about her daddy in her sleep is heart wrenching. 

Feeling like life has momentarily steadied has given me time to process a few things.  Tonight I feel grateful for having traveled this far with Chris.  If I were to make a list of things I learned from him about life and about myself it would take up this entire blog.  In the end, Chris taught me to love.  He showed me through the way he lived how to be patient and forgiving.  I don't think those are two of my strong suits but I am trying!  Chris also showed me how to laugh, I mean really laugh.  He was so funny and always smiling.  Man, how I miss that smile and the glimmer in those eyes.  I am thankful for a few peace filled moments to process a few things about this new life and my former.  No, the rocky shoreline has not evened to warm sand but, for a moment, I feel steady on my feet again.