I woke up this morning thinking about my first birthday celebrated since Chris died. Today was the day and I had been mentally preparing for it. Honestly, I just wanted the day to pass quickly, not be too painful and for me to 'come out of it' fairly unscathed.
For my first birthday with Chris, my 27th, he bought us airline tickets to go to Disneyland. For my 33rd birthday, the last we celebrated together, he spent three days making a banana cream pie and we picked up take out from one of our favorite restaurants, Alligator Soul, because the kids both had colds.
Today as I celebrate my 34th birthday, almost two months after Chris' death, I was reminiscent about the way he spoiled me relentlessly. Maya picked out a cake on Thursday which my mom ordered and picked up today. I was also the lucky recipent of beautiful pink tulips, my favorite, and a giant butterfly balloon.
I was thankful for a soft place to land today. My sister and three wonderful friends planned a morning of pedicures and brunch. When I got home, Maya was head over heals excited about my birthday but first she and I took a cat nap. My parents made us enchiladas and my sister and her posse joined us for dinner plus cake. I can't remember the last time I had so many wonderful people make such a big event out of a birthday, but I am incredibly grateful they took the time to spoil me today.
Today I thought often of Chris. He would have been excited my birthday was on a Saturday. He and Maya would have made me breakfast, they would have ventured out for some flowers and a balloon and we would have eaten way too much birthday cake. His gift would have been thoughtful; it always was. He listened, he observed and he knew what I wanted and needed. Chris was also great about incorporating Maya into all the celebration planning. Today I often found myself thinking about the 'what ifs'...what would he have bought, where would we have gone, what would have have said. What if he had not died on November 17, 2010 and instead life had continued on as usual.
For some reason whenever I am putting Maya down for a rest or for bed at night, I reminisce about the two trips Chris and I took to Orcas Island. The first trip was the weekend of Halloween 2003. Chris planned the trip as a surprise just two months after we 'officially' started dating. We stayed at Rosario Resort and he scheduled me a massage. Our second trip there was just as memorable but not for the same reasons. It was our 3rd anniversary so we decided to check out a bed and breakfast on Orcas. Maya had been incredibly sick and we thought for sure we would have to cancel. Alas, my parents are brave and Maya had pulled most of the way out of her illness by the time we were to leave. The hour long ferry ride is always one of my favorite parts about traveling to the San Juan Islands. We checked in to this adorable bed and breakfast called The Place at Cayou Cove then went into Eastsound for some Mexican food. Half way through his margarita, on ice with salt, Chris looked at me and said "I'm not feeling well, I'm really cold." Chris spent our 3 days and 2 nights in bed with a fever of 102. He missed our massages, the kayaking excursion, every wonderful breakfast and the alone time we were supposed to be having to 'catch up.' I sat in the sun, enjoyed the hot tub, took long walks on the beach and tended to my sick husband. Not so much the ideal romantic weekend either of us envisioned. I'm not sure why each time I lay down with Maya I think of these weekend trips especially the latter.
Last night a friend asked me if I believe in visits. I do. Then she reminded me of something that had been posted on my facebook page that was originally funny and now seems to have a little more meaning. I don't know that I can say I positively believe that Chris is working through other people to communicate with me, but I will say that I believe it is within the realm of possibilities. I would like to believe it, but it's hard to let myself go there. If I do, I am afraid I will become to obsessed with receiving more communication and I want to remember that though he has crossed over, the kids and I still have life to live here on Earth and lessons to learn.
Tonight I will miss my goodnight kiss, I will miss the smack on my booty as I walk up the stairs and I will miss the handsome man with hazel eyes who loved me more than I had ever imagined possible.
Happy Birthday Sabrina! I'm so glad you were able to enjoy it. My 30th rolled around just over a month after Andie passed- I couldn't see a reason to "celebrate" my life when his over. I'm glad that you were able to find some peace and joy in your day.
ReplyDeleteBri, I'm curious. Did Maya know that pink tulips were your favorite? After we picked out your cake on Thursday, Maya took me to the floral department. She walked right to the pink tulips and told me she had to have them for you. I told her they were pretty, but had here walk around and look at all the flowers and arrangements. She walked right back to the pink tulips and said she had to had those. So, we bought them. Same for the butterfly balloon. She had to have a butterfly. The store didn't have any out so I had to track someone down who would look to see if they had one they could blow up. They did. I just figured it was Maya wanting what she wanted. Now I wonder what was really driving her :) She loves her mommy.
ReplyDeleteHugs