Several funny things happened today. All day long I kept thinking "I am going to write this on my blog, it's normal, I need to remember." Instead it's 9:50 p.m. and I have no idea what those funny things are. They were swallowed up by my lack of brain space. Where the heck did all that brain space go?
I do remember, however, that Owen said "Bye bye Brody" tonight. The kid who refuses to say words! OK, it sounded more like "Bye ie Body" but it's close and I am one proud momma because there is hope he will stop grunting and yelling at me.
The other thing I remember? My IPOD. Why has this thing become my nemesis? Dinner was simmering and I was building a block tower with Owen when Lucky by Jason Mraz with Colbie Caillat came on. Nice love song. Made me think of my best friend. Then a fleeting thought...can I still listen to love songs? Is someone still out there who loves me as much as I still love him? Where the heck did he go? My faith is being tried. That is an understatement.
Of course, a short while later, Maya came running in to tell me "Mommy, your wedded song is on!" And it was. At Last by Etta Jones. It was not Chris' top choice. In all actuality he would have passed on the first dance all together if he had been given more of a choice. But, you know how it goes. He smiled and agreed. Then smiled and agreed again when I changed my mind on every wedding detail. He just wanted to say "I Do" then leave for the honeymoon on Maui. I suppose I'm lucky he agreed to the reception at all. Back to the song. Maya grabbed her friend Addison who was visiting, and they danced. I watched and thought about how carefree they are. I felt that way 5 1/2 years ago. I guess it's a good thing we don't really know what is coming on the road ahead.
Now, I am sitting here watching the movie Funny People. Seth Rogan's character just played "Three Little Birds" for Adam Sandler's character followed up by "Time of My Life" then "Keep Me in Your Heart For Awhile." This is a sad movie. I didn't read the cover. I thought, "oh funny, ok." Naive. Maybe you don't know how often Chris was asked if he knew he looked like Adam Sandler. It drove him nuts and made me laugh hysterically. If you have read my blog at all in the past 7 weeks, you know the significance of the Bob Marley song. The Dirty Dancing song? I came home one day to find Chris watching Dirty Dancing. Ha! I don't know where I was but he had put the kids in bed and sat down to watch tv...and got sucked in. He admitted he had not seen the movie before and loved it. Finally, I had not heard the last song before. It was fitting. These lines spoke to me:
Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you
But here I am thinking, what does one do with a broken heart? Everyone keeps telling me to give it time. I don't think time will heal my broken heart. I have a feeling I will just become accustomed to the pain. The edges will soften but the reality will be the same.
That brings me to one final subject. Manipulation. I wish I could report that I have found a way to manipulate 'death.' Alas, aside from crying, praying and flat out begging. Apparently what's done is done. Excuse my irreverent sarcasm.
Manipulation + Chris' death + 3 1/2 year old + fake crying = frazzled mommy
Holy cow. It started last week. I thought Maya was legitimately sad. So I laid with her at bed time until she was fast asleep. After a few nights she started the fake cry and I thought...oh crap. Sure enough I am quite certain Maya is manipulating me to get more snuggle time. However, it is some place I need to tread quite gently. She is heart broken. The overwhelming fact of the matter is that she is 3 1/2 and wants me to stay with her until she falls asleep. I just wish the manipulation wasn't about Chris; that just stings.
I gave myself a few days of reprieve from writing then tonight couldn't figure out where to start. I spent too much time trying to remember the 'normal' events today to report. In the end, my life is anything but normal. I love my babies. They make me smile and laugh. But, I miss Chris. At night I go to bed wondering if my ears will always ring from the silence or if I will grow more accustomed to it as time marches on.
Yeah, time doesn't heal anything. It just puts enough space between you and the event so it's not so raw and vivid. Enough space to be able to forget for longer periods of time, and try to move on. I believe the ONLY thing that can heal the spirit is Christ. But for me even that took time, little bit by little bit. Agonizingly long time.
ReplyDeleteThe greatest thing I was afraid of at Andrew's loss was platitudes from ignorant people. Luckily I only got one or two. I hope that problem hasn't plagued you.
I can relate to so much in this post... I always try and remember things to share on my blog, and by the time I sit down to write I usually draw a blank. Love songs are tough, in fact I have a hard time listening to any music. I do believe he's still out there and loves you as much as you love him. The "time" thing is so annoying and I feel exactly the same way as you. I don't believe that time heals I just believe we get more comfortable with the pain. Holding you in my thoughts...
ReplyDeleteOh, Bri... Thinking of you.
ReplyDelete