Hasty Decisions

Maya was begging for a sleepover at grandma's though the last time I conceded and told her she could, she decided she didn't want to sleep any place but her princess bed. Ok, she wasn't ready.

Yesterday she was talking about it again so I offered and she took it. In the end, both kiddos went with grandma and grandpa though perhaps I didn't think that through. What does a widow do at home by herself for 20 hours?

I started my time alone cleaning up some of the garbage in the bathroom currently undergoing renovation. Then I decided to put away the remaining items that had been stored in a bin since the Life Tribute for Chris. There really wasn't much left just a few odds and ends I hadn't either put back where it goes or found a new home for. It feels weird to put his stuff away like there is some sort of hanging question out there about why... I emptied my laundry basket but then as I was lifting my sweaters out I realized underneath was the remaining clothes from Chris' laundry basket I finally broke down and washed. We had started on the giant pile...and then I lost it and made my mom stop. It felt like washing away the last remaining particles of him on this Earth. I put his shorts, shirts and jeans back into their respective spots and looked at the socks neatly folded one into the other at the bottom. Chris didn't fold his socks like that. I unfolded them...then folded them the way he liked and put them back into his sock drawer, the same drawer he had been keeping the Christmas money in we were saving up. Most of this money instead went into the bathroom. What am I supposed to do with all of his clothes?

In a book I read about grieving children it talked about walking a fine line with the deceased parent's belongings. Obviously we all want reminders that he was real, he was here, his body occupied the spaces that we move through. However, it warned that smaller children, like mine, may interpret it as a sign the deceased parent is going to return. I haven't gotten rid of anything though some of his coats that were in the front closet are now in his bedroom closet. His toothbrush is still in the holder despite being in a bag in my closet for the remodel. This afternoon I threw away some of the shampoos that were in the shower when he died. Maybe you didn't know; he died in the shower thus all the drama about my bathroom.

I digress. I decided to leave at about 5 p.m. Stopped at Home Depot to buy a new mirror for the bathroom then I drove. I wanted to go to Sam's Sushi in Ballard. Chris and I ate there once a week while we lived in Ballard. We would walk down to Sam's and sit for hours, eating and drinking green tea. I wanted to go. I even got onto 520 headed into Seattle but then I took a turn for the worse. By the time I got to I-5 the realization of it all hit me and I cried until I reached Everett driving right past the 45th street exit I was originally going to take. In the end I stopped at Haggen to grab some food then off for a movie and back to my safe haven. It seems like some widows function better when they are not home. I suppose I feel like this is where our life was. The memories here are not quite as wicked and raw. While driving down I-5 I think of Chris' daily drive to work, as I crossed the 520 bridge and spotted Husky Stadium I thought of the seasons tickets he had the year we met and as I spotted the skyscrapers of downtown Seattle I thought of Maya building Mega Blocks towers with Chris...always building the towers Chris worked in. I kept looking down at the picture of Chris in the cup holder. Maya brought it out to the car 4 weeks ago to kiss and talk to and it has stayed there ever since.

The silence was waiting for me when I got home but it wasn't quite as frightening as I expected it would be. Well, at least it was silent after the dog stopped barking at me. She and I settled in, and I realized that the elephant that had been on my chest had found another home at some point between Haggen and home. I suppose I am not ready for the world quite yet so I will just continue to let the world come to me.