The Story

The first time I detailed Chris' death, he technically wasn't dead; it was approximately 10 minutes after I found him collapsed in the shower.  Officer Stevenson, who was taking the report for the call, came downstairs to ask me a few questions and that's when it started.  The story.  At that point, resuscitation efforts had not been called. 

Of course this wasn't exactly the first time I had told someone what was going on.  I had spoken to the 911 operator, my dad and my sister in law Trish.  For the most part those phone calls only entailed two important facts:  Chris was collapsed in the shower & he was not breathing.  The rest of the story was still being pieced together in my mind.

Over the course of the 3 hours following the declaration of Chris' death, I proceeded to relay parts of the story to those who came to my house.  I'm sure that there were details some would have rather never have known.  The elephant in the room, however, was that for the majority of that time Chris' body was up in my room waiting for the arrival of the medical examiner. 

The medical examiner was the next person to hear the story...

It is impossible to even estimate how many times I have told the story of Chris' death in part or in its entirety.  I made so many phone calls and in each had to state the facts which without fail elicited questions.  At some point I became used to it and my emotions were dulled to the events. 

Today, I was surprised when the explanation evoked tears.

This morning, as soon as I buckled Maya into her booster seat the questions started.  Mostly the questions surrounded Chris, heaven, baby Jesus, grown up Jesus, who dies and what we need to teach Owen about daddy.  Truly this last part is mostly likely what pushed me to my edge.  I choked up when explaining to Maya that Owen is so little he won't remember the fun things we did with Chris.  She, of course, took this information in stride and rattled off all sorts of things she planned to tell Owen about their daddy.  It was the moment when she told me "Mommy, when Owen gets to heaven he will say, Oh daddy, I love you!" that I started to silently cry in the drivers seat.  In reality, I can't say I know for certain Owen will feel the emotions toward Chris that Maya and I will.  Owen was screwed.

At the gym, I was hoping to check the kids into the same room, but of course, they wouldn't let me and the kids were split.  I knew that Owen would scream as I left but essentially he would be fine and would have fun.  Maya too, on her own will generally do fine. However, I feel like they need the camaraderie when I am not there to watch over them. 

In the end, after my class, I explained to the child care worker why I was upset they wouldn't let Maya stay with Owen.  Or, perhaps I should say I tried to.  In the end, I got choked up and my friend Lora had to tell them.  I left in tears, wanting to compose myself before I checked Maya out.  I hate crying in front of strangers at this point because I have done it way too often.  The feeling of vulnerability overwhelms me now and I want to stop the explaining. 

In the end I was just sad.