To You

*Admittedly, I began writing this post before the 4 month anniversary and for some reason on the actual day, yesterday, I couldn't get myself to log on and finish it. *

Christopher,

One hundred and twenty days; can you believe it?  In the moment I realized that you have been gone for 1/3 of a year I thought about how much can happen in that time and all of the things I have thought of telling you as well as the moments in which I realize that we will never be given that time to share our childrens accomplishments as well as their sorrows.  Those are now moments I am running solo with or sharing with our close family and friends.

Two weeks sgo Maya told me on both preschool mornings that she didn't want to go; she wanted to stay home with me and Owen.  As I pulled out of the preschool parking lot on Thursday I thought about telling you that once again she claimed to not want to go but jumped right in as soon as we arrived.  Do you remember that day before you died, telling her you were going to go to work after you dropped her off so she wouldn't be sad?  I teased you about lying to her but you couldn't bare telling her the truth...that you were going home to be with me and Owen.  After your death, when Maya returned to preschool, three separate people told me how thrilled she was to have you there.  That was the only time you had ever gone to the preschool; you were nervous you would do the routine wrong and made me tell it to you at least a half dozen times which made me silently laugh.

I want to tell you about all the words Owen has learned.  He has 33 words ( and 11 signs) that I have noticed, I just wish he would used more of them consistently instead of heading straight into the whining.  He has also started hitting me occasionally when he gets frustrated with me.  I'm thinking about starting time out for that one...I just wish I had you to talk to about it.  I remember how hard tantrums and time outs with Maya were on you.  I think it broke your heart as much as hers.  Owen is smart Chris.  He's smart and uses it to get into mischief as well as to learn all sorts of things.  I am shocked at him using my mom's smartphone, the remote, my cell phone, the remote control, Maya's DS.  If he watches you use an electronic he quickly picks up how to turn it on and use it.  You would laugh that Maya calls him a pickle when he does things he isn't supposed to.  The other morning I heard him awake at 6:30 a.m. and listened to him talk to himself until the talk turned to "Mama......mama... .mamamamamamamama!"  On the weekends we used to lay in bed listening to Maya talk and sing to herself when she first woke up.  I remember how much it made you smile.  I wish you were here to listen to Owen's morning babble.  You would also laugh at all the food I have cleaned up because of this little man.  I have found him with a whole box of Rice Krispies as well as a living room filled with Chex.  

You would be amazed at all the letters and sounds Maya knows.  She is awesome at determining what letter a word starts with based on the sound.  She can recognize numbers 1-10 and tells very detailed, silly stories.  Her writing has come so far and she easily writes her name at a reasonable size on all her papers at school.  She has also started lying...fibbing...not disclosing information.  I know it's an age thing but I want to talk to you about it...what should I do?  How should I react?  All in all, she really truly wants to be my helper; She puts her and Owen's clothes away when we do laundry and she likes to wash windows.  Her first day of soccer was bitter sweet.  We always thought she would be natural, and guess what, she was.  On her first day she figured out how to dribble the ball (not just kick and run) as well as how to do a beginning foot trap.  My smile was beaming and I know yours was too.  I just wished I could have seen it.  

My life seems unrecognizable.  I am baffled by how different my life today is compared to my life four months ago.  We rarely left the kids overnight because we liked doing things as a family, it was just our way.  Now the kids stay with my parents about once every week.  I'm not convinced you would like it but I know you understand.  They stay there and I hang out with adults.  Basically I condense all those hours we spent in the evenings talking and do things into one night of hanging out with adults.  You know the funny thing?  It's usually with people you knew about but whom you did not know personally.  It's definitely a bit of an escape..there is no pressure to talk about you and there is no need to think about who is feeling sad about your absence at that moment.  For that, I feel guilty.  I don't feel guilty that I need to be an adult because by the time 6 days has passed, I am craving some kid free time.  I feel guilty because I am not sure you would like for me to do this.

Tonight I watched the Huskies beat Georgia in a game that was much closer than I wanted it to be.  Until Wednesday night I thought I would just ignore March Madness as I had ignored college basketball this season.  I had done so since the day I realized you had penciled in the information for buying single game Husky basketball tickets on our calendar.  You loved the tournament and would have taken today off to watch the games.  By the way, I entered the Wingdome tournament because I knew you would have.  Hopefully, I picked your winning team right!

I am in perpetual motion.  If I take the time to sit and relax for a few minutes, I am making a list of chores to do or paying bills online.  The only time I am not physically or mentally in motion, trying to keep our life headed in the right direction, is when I am sleeping.  That's another thing.  I don't sleep well.  My fear was that I would be too afraid to sleep like I was when you worked nights.  That is so far from the reality.  If I go to sleep before midnight or 1 a.m.,  I am awake at 2 or 3 a.m. and end up watching a movie, checking my email, watching garbage on tv.  I am pretty sure I average about 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night unlike the 8 I used to sleep.  Who knew I could subsist on so little sleep?

Tonight Lora asked me about something I won't divulge on my blog, but it would have made you laugh because it was a Lora question and it was one of those things I love about her.  She puts everything out there to talk about which I really need.  I am libel to just ignore those subjects.  It was something that is deeply impacting me right now because of the  absence in my crazy life yet I hadn't said anything to anyone about it.  It is something that has surprised me I suppose.

I miss you not just as my husband, my partner, my companion but as my friend.  You were the person who knew the secrets and could read my thoughts at a glance.  Now my life is filled with explanations about my emotions, my stress level, my future happiness possibility as well as continual explanations of my marital status.  I am coming to realize that this will always be my reality; never will I stop meeting people who don't know.  Last night at the Verizon store was proof of that...telling the manager about your death in my explanation about my convoluted account status.  So many things about my life now require explanation of my widow status.  And, you know what?  I am feeling less like a widow and I can't figure out why.

In 40 days it will be our 'would be' 6th anniversary.  My friends have agreed to go out with me that night to... the casino.  You would have loved that!  You also would love that I have learned to play 4 Card Poker.  And...I bought myself an 'un-anniversary' present. Chris, I will love you always, always, always and in those quiet moments I will remember you and, someday, simply smile because of what was as well as because of the two precious gifts I have the opportunity to care for in this life.  We did good...I am proud of us.

Always,
Sabrina