Smooth Roads

Last night I took my best girl out for a 'date.'  It was a last minute decision with arrangements for Owen to spend the night with grandma and grandpa.  She was thrilled when I told her it was 'Girls Night Out.'  Of course, she kept calling it Girl's Out Date Night.  Unfortunately, after milkshakes and Build a Bear...my sweet girl fell asleep in the car at 7:45 p.m. beginning almost two hours of a temperature and stomach ache.  Fortunately, or unfortunately, by 9:30 it was gone and she was wide awake watching The Squeakquel with me in my bed...

In the end, she had a good night but as I laid there watching her sleep so soundly, content that all in the world was right, I couldn't help but think of her tears as she lay in my lap on the bathroom floor after she told me she was going to throw up.  She cried and told me she wanted her daddy.  At that moment I did too... I can say that those moments are the most lonely; the ones where my children need both parents.  As I sat on the linoleum floor perched on a towel that was Chris' I thought he should be here.  These same thoughts circled my brain last Saturday at Maya's first day of soccer.  He would have been so proud watching her dribbling the ball across the gym floor, watching her listening to her coach, cheering for her friends, scoring goals...  It's the same sad feeling that settles into my heart each Thursday morning when I take Owen to his swim class.  Swim class was Chris' opportunity to participate in an activity with Maya and it is painful to think he did not get to do this with Owen.  I feel like his opportunities with Owen were over in the blink of an eye before the real fun even began.  Sixteen months is not long enough to have with your child...before you are taken from this Earth.

In the end, like I often say, I sort of felt sad...Owen is the only boy in our house.  Even the cat and dog are female.  This worries me; will he have enough male influence in his life?  Will he have a man to connect with who will help him navigate his world?  Will he be angry it wasn't his dad?  Will I be angry that this relationship was taken from both of them before it even had the chance to grow?

I have spent the past four months watching Owen become a little man.  Tonight he said car and please for the first time.  His list of words is up to 31.  There are so many things I cannot do to fulfill the role of a father but I will try.  The obvious activities of rough housing and wrestling are red flags in my daily life.  Chris was excellent at making both of the kids giggle and roll with delight at their play but it was his thing...and now it needs to become mine.  Most days I get to the end, however, and realize it just didn't happen between the household chores and attempts at maintaining our daily activities.  But that's just it, I'm trying.

This road is not easy.  Some days smiling and laughing comes easily.  Other days I have to remind myself that both are forms of social decorum I usually subscribe to.  Each week I hit the same pothole.  It always falls on Wednesday, Thursday or Friday.  It's as if by the time I reach that point in the week my tank is low and the light has turned on.  My mind returns to the thought that time will smooth this road.