Insomnia

Perhaps my body was sabotaged by the coffee I drank at 5 p.m. combined with the 'spring ahead' on the clock today, but it is 3:30a.m. and I am watching Save the Last Dance...yeah, I own it. 

This movie reminds me of life before the life I lost...

After my first year of teaching I went to New York and Julia Stiles was in a Shakespeare production in Central Park.  Miss the connection?  She's in Save the Last Dance. 

In this movie there is a scene where 'Sarah's' character reveals her mom is dead and she says "What do you want me to do, run through the streets screaming?"  and 'Dereks' character responds, "Yes, if it helps."

If it helps.  I have moments where I think, yes, what I'm doing is helping.  During the lesser moments I realize that nothing truly 'helps' but some things simply make the situation more tolerable. 

Lately, I have tried to negotiate the balance.  My kids...they keep me busy and moving through our daily activities.  Then there are the nights I am out while they are with my parents when I realize I am ignoring the reality of my world but it gives my mind and emotions time to regroup.  It's easier to put all of this out of my mind when my kids are not present.  Fortunately or unfortunately, it's always there, circling the back of my thoughts...it's in those moments I feel sort of normal and wonder if that's what I felt like before this life was thrust on me.  Back then, however, I wasn't up at 3 a.m. wondering who else in this world is awake.

"I want to go back to when my life made sense."

And now it's 3:55 a.m. and I am sitting her thinking only 25 minutes has passed.