I'm not a princess...

 "I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale, I'm not the one you'll sweep on her feet and lead her up the stair well."

At one point I did think I was the princess and that my life was a fairy tale.  I had a fantastic husband, two beautiful children and a comfortable life in which I was happy.  Chris swept me off my feet and 7 years later his death has swept me off my feet in a completely different way. 

Tonight I reviewed that life via the slideshow my dad made for Chris' memorial service.  Maya wanted to watch it so I conceded...I only made it through the first line of the opening song, Reach for the Sky, before the tears came.  It was like watching my life flash before my eyes and it made me wonder if Chris experienced that before he died.  I wondered if he fought to stay, I wondered if I had just walked in a few minutes sooner.  I cried as Maya rambled on adding a dialogue to the video about each picture and event.  Owen snuggled into my lap and we all sat watching the pictures of our life flash across the television.

At the end I thought, WTF.  How the hell is this life better than the one I had?  When do I get the do over?  Too many things in this life hurt.  Owen doesn't even know who Chris is and has started generalizing the title "Dada" to men in general.  Just before falling asleep Maya told me how much she misses Chris and wants to take all her toys to heaven so she and Chris can play with them together one last time.  The preschool director gave me a fantastic idea on how to incorporate Maya's concerns into a book for Owen about Chris.  My insurance supposedly ended then it didn't, then it was going to, now it's through June.  I really feel like I have had too many WTF moments this past week.  Oh and did I mention the person who told me "it was a big, big lesson learned.."  Um, huh? 

Bitter..I am feeling it tonight and the tears burn.  I am seething, uncomfortable, anxious and sentimental.  I want my kids to have their father.  I am tired of spending the evenings alone and the days having conversations with primarily children.   

Today on my way home from the gym I sat looking over a field in the Snohomish valley thinking about Maya's future wedding.  Who will walk her down the aisle?  That was supposed to be Chris' privilege and I am angry that they were both screwed. 

This week I have been spinning as I try to balance the workload, stress and emotional turmoil boiling inside me.  The harder I try to be 'normal' the more crazy I feel internally.  It really makes me wonder, will I ever be 'normal' as the real world feels lifes normalcy or is this new internal craziness my future normal.

 Today, I am feeling the WTF moments of being a widow.