Bewildered

This morning I woke up baffled, perplexed, confused, bewildered about how I got here.  For a moment this morning I 'saw' Chris, laying in the bathtub and briefly thought about what I would tell him about my experience that morning.  Of course, I realize at the same time that we will never have that conversation and truly that is frustrating.  Part of me feels like I could come to terms with what happened easier if I just knew what his journey to the other side entailed.  I'm sure, in reality, this isn't true.  Today, however, I am longing for that one last moment, one last conversation, one last breath that we could take together before the goodbye is forever.