A Hot Mess

Last night I had another dream....

Chris and I were going on vacation.  My sister was there as well as Chris' brother and my sister in law, though I never actually saw her.  Tori, Chris and I were in a car on our way to a hotel when I told him I was going to need a break from our relationship.  He agreed and we checked in to separate rooms.  Suddenly it was 3 days later and I was riding a bike with my sister down the road in some town when we ran across Chris who was also riding a bike.  He rode back with us.  As we approached a crosswalk and stopped to wait for the light to change, I turned and told him I was done with our separation and loved him.  He smiled and told me he had met someone else and they were in love.  He told me the person, whose name I will not publish here, but will say though I've known her since the 7th grade she was always more of an acquaintance than a friend.  She lives nearby now and I run into her occasionally but Chris had never met her. 

Back to the dream.  We were suddenly in my Highlander but my sister was driving.  Chris was in the back seat and I was arguing with him about the implausibility of falling in love in 3 days with a total stranger.  Tori kept turning up the radio to drown us out which was annoying me.  We suddenly stopped at a duplex and let Chris out and drove on. 

Again I was suddenly in the back seat and Tori was no longer driving but an unknown black woman.  My brother in law was in the front seat and it was clear my sister in law had left him but he wanted to go back.  We arrived at a walk on ferry where they let me out and I was swallowed up by the crowd...then I woke up.

Back in reality it was 6:17 a.m. and Owen was screaming...with a lovely blow out diaper to greet me.

This afternoon (complete non sequitur) Owen had his 18 month appointment.  I was prepared to talk about Chris and his cause of death since we had not been there since the day Chris died.  I did and it was tolerable because I had prepared myself for those moments. Buckling up the kids, I took one last look at the stats sheet the nurse had given me on my way out and wondered, who am I supposed to share this with?  I know lots of people love my kids but nobody loves them as much as Chris and I do.  I was thinking about this and feeling the stink of tears as I started the car and on the radio came a song sent to me by Chris' best friend a couple days ago.  I saw the link on my phone but hadn't listened to it until last night when I played it 3 times and cried.  Chris would have loved this band.  I cried all the way home thinking about Chris and how much he loved our kids.

This post seems to be a rambling mess in terms of its structure but I suppose it reflects what is actually going on in my life especially the fact that the past few days I have felt like a hot mess.