Backwards Momentum

Addie, Maya & Sarah at swim lessons

 So I've had a crappy 3 days.  There, I said it.  It boils down to feeling like I can't possibly be expected to keep this pace forever.

I saw it coming and at least this time I tried to prepare mentally for it.  I warned people.  It feels slightly akin to Chicken Little telling people the sky is falling, however.

I have a great friend who calls me and even though I drag my feet when our conversations start...she keeps right on talking until I am talking to.  The funny thing is that we were not really great friends until a couple months before Chris died though we had known each other for about 7 years.  Now she is a rock and helping hold the foundation of my life together.  I am blessed by her and her family.  She called and we chatted and while we were talking I was thinking about the swim lessons our girls take together.  Tonight I stood trying to sign up for swim the whole time (ugh) so I didn't get to watch the girls' lesson but last week we sat watching the girls and giggling about how fast their little legs move yet they don't move very far or fast at all.  So much energy expended yet very little progress.

The girls swimming technique is quite similar to my living technique right now.  I feel like I am moving, moving, moving, always thinking and making lists and trying to complete tasks between tasks yet no matter how fast I move...very little seems to get accomplished without a disproportionate about of time being put into them and not my children.  Sort of like that last run on sentence.  In the end, I feel like all my energy is being sucked away yet I don't feel good about the results or the number of times I say "In just a minute"during the course of one day.  I keep telling myself I will 'take a day off' from all these tasks but in reality...I can't.

Tonight I really want to use the word hubris.  I can't find a place for it. So, there it is.

The other night my cousin was over and I was battling a very snotty nose, a 3 1/2 year old unfamiliar with diarrhea thus not knowing the signs, and trying to serve dinner while having the chance to actually sit to consume my meal.  I eat standing... A LOT.  In my old life I made it a point to sit and eat breakfast with the kids and without exception we ate dinner as a family but I rarely get to now.  Today, while the kids were eating I took bites of my sandwhich between washing kid's cups by hand and emptying the dishwasher.  Oh and did I mention scolding the dog for constantly stealing food from the table? 

Who wants to train my dog?  The darn thing cost me $550.  She was Chris' dog and now is severely energetic due to my lack of walking her.  I know it's my fault and wake up intending to walk her each day and then it's 7:30 p.m. and my kids are going to bed and the day is gone. 

So much complaining. 

Tonight I was reading the words of Elie Wiesel and thinking about my blog.  He wrote, "Whoever survives a test, whatever it may be, must tell the story.  That is his duty." 

Before I even thought about the quote I giggled for one second remembering my old students who still thought Elie Wiesel was a woman after supposedly reading the assigned book Night.  Obviously they had not cracked the spine. 

Back to the quote.

I feel strongly that everyone experiencing a grieving process must be allowed to vocalize their pain, happiness, gratitude, etc. as they deem necessary.  However, I feel like I need to remind people around the kids and myself that it isn't just about us.  Yes,  perhaps we have the most aspects of our lives impacted however I feel like we are all figuring this out individually as well as collectively and that I need to hear the details of others journeys to sustain me in mine.  I need to know I am not the only one angry, lonely, sad, dejected...  I need to know what it's like from your perspective as Chris' friend, family, acquaintance.  In sharing your journey with me you are helping me along on mine. 

These conversations also remind me that Chris was real; my old life wasn't just a dream. I was happy and I was in love.