Fevers and Final Images

 For some reason I am feeling like 'it's coming' though it is unidentifiable at this point and the arrival time has yet to be published.

Today Owen spiked a fever.  Looking back, it was probably coming on when I had him at swim class.  The poor guy isn't especially warm blooded but can make it through class cheery despite the blue lips (which totally freak me out these day).  But today...not so much.  By the end of class the poor lil man was trembling from the cool water.  Of course, I didn't realize he had a fever for two more hours.  Luckily it's someplace between 99 and 100 and he's not acting temperamental about it.  I am holding out hope that it is a reaction to the DTaP vaccine he received yesterday and not an actual virus.  My hope mostly stems from the fact he had a reaction in the form of a fever after his last DTaP vaccine.  Of course, that fact doesn't explain Maya's complaint of a stomach ache today or her lack of appetite.  Tonight I am praying for no 2 a.m. puking wake up call. 

Since Chris died the kidlets have experienced an ongoing stream of common colds.  Snotty noses, mild coughs, used tissues in all my pockets have become common place.  It's the season for illness.  We have not had a major blow to our immune systems in the form of fevers or throwing up, however, since Chris died and for some reason, it bothers me that it might be here.  Maybe that is what 'it' is?  Single parenthood sucks.

When Maya was almost 1 years old she got a virus that manifested itself with a high temperature, lack of appetite, lethargy, etc.  For 5 days she refused to be put down in bed, on the floor, on the couch or anywhere not directly on top of one of us.  I honestly just sat with her most days trying to get her to eat or drink, making sure her fever was being controlled and showering when Chris got home.  At night she wouldn't sleep in her bed and wouldn't settle in ours so Chris and I took shifts with her on the couch, with her laying on our chest partially propped up.  Chris would take 9 til midnight then I would send him to bed for 4 hours til his alarm went off.  Ironically it was me that started singing Maya 'Three Little Birds' at this point, in the middle of the night, walking around the living room trying to get her to settle.  Shortly after Chris picked it up as 'daddy's song' because it's the only song he said he knew every word to.

The realization that I am solo scares me because of instances like this.  Even tonight with a mild fever and a stomach ache the three of us cuddled on the couch watching Alvin and the Chipmunks the Squeekquel because I couldn't hold one to snuggle and still play with the other who was feeling much better.  Of course I sat there praying that all stomach contents stay in their respective places.  I am terrified of puke!!  Chris was terrified of blood.  Luckily our kids really haven't puked much.  Maybe that's why it scares me so much.  Unfortunately, a split lip was common occurrance for Maya on a weekly basis for about two years.  I am not exaggerating.  For the first year, Chris would freak out about the blood.  He finally got the hang of grabbing a cold wet wash cloth and letting her hold it to her lip until the bleeding stopped but it took awhile. 

His fear of blood and his overreaction to injuries led to many conversations about who was more fit to respond during a real emergency.  I was the obvious choice.  In the end...I was the choice.

My final thought for the night is that I haven't been able to get the image of Chris when I first opened the bathroom door out of my head  the past 3 days.  When my mind starts to wander, that is what I see.  If you spoke to me during the first week you know what I am seeing.  I will spare the rest of you the details.  I am not replaying the whole morning...just that specific moment.  Truly I would like to banish that image forever, at the same time...it was just after that moment I touched his skin, his cheek, his lips, his chest for the last time.  It's a push and pull of my subconscious to banish yet retain that final image.