I wasn't ready

Oh April....I wasn't ready for you yet.  I'm not sure if it's the upcoming events or the memories of the past that are haunting me.

On April 1, 2005 we had just moved into our house and were in the final week of preparing for our wedding.  So much to do...but as always you were calm and collected while I had lists everywhere and project after project to complete.  While I was frazzled you calmed me and told me it would all work out and we would go on a fantastic honeymoon. And, we did.  

In April of 2007 we were on the verge of having our baby girl.  The bags were packed, I was in my final weeks of working at Meadowdale and you were nervous about what this baby thing would entail.  I spent an entire hour one evening trying to set up the pack-in-play while you sat on the couch laughing at my inability to comprehend the directions.  In retrospect it makes me laugh because it takes me all of a minute to set it up now.  We were nervous, we were excited, we were looking forward to the future.

April 24, 2008 we celebrated Maya's first birthday.  She had spent the better part of April sick with fevers and runny noses while we stayed up nights walking the living room with her.  Maya turned one and we couldn't believe an entire year had passed.  It was at that point we started talking about a second child.  We settled on 'starting' in October when Maya would be 18 months. 

April of 2009 brought Maya's 2nd birthday, I was pregnant with Owen and we ventured to Disneyland with the family.  The excitement and anxiety surrounding a second child had set in.  We spent the month redoing the spare room for Maya.  Hours were spent painting and putting new furniture together.  Maya loved her new big girl room.

April 2010 was our 5th anniversary.  We went to Seattle for a night about a month before our anniversary as an early outing and the kids...they were sick as they like to be when we planned stuff like that.  We stayed, they survived.  On our actual anniversary we went to a restaurant you had heard about in Arlington where I had the best filet mignon and the owner brought us dessert when he heard it was our anniversary.  If we had known it would be the last anniversary we would celebrate, would we have done something different?  Maya's 3rd birthday came so fast...and we were busy packing for another trip to California with your brother and his family.  You were so excited to spend that time with your family.

Now here I am officially in April 2011.  It's been almost 5 months since you died.  Our would be 6th anniversary is in 8 days.  Maya's birthday is in a little over 3 weeks and I am planning her party and our un-anniversary by myself.   

I always imagined we would be one of those couples proud to have been married 25, 30....45 years.  Instead we got 5.  Yesterday I was remembering you.  The morning you died I remember running into you in our microscopic kitchen as I grabbed the creamer for my coffee and you were trying to get the kids breakfast on the table.  I was trying to remember if I touched you that morning other than this accidental encounter.  You teased me that I was trying to take you out.

The prospect of making it to April 2012 seems improbable because at times it seems like an eternity away.  However, I know we will make it.  I suppose I feel that if I can make it almost 5 months when it is all so fresh that the next year is doable.  I can't imagine who Maya will be as she approaches 5 years old with kindergarten on the cusp.  I pray Owen will have found his non destructive groove by 2 1/2 so I am not resorting to locking him in Cally's crate while I shower.  No calls to CPS...I wouldn't do that.  But, in a year I can imagine his mischievous grin still in place but the sentences spilling out of his mouth.  And, the big question... who will I have become?

Certainly in this process is the natural grieving of Chris and our family but what I didn't realize as I began this journey was that I would also be grieving who I was.  It would be absolutely impossible to still be that person because I was her because of you...because of us.  Now I am me.  Trying to figure out who that is after 7 1/2 years in a relationship with you is mind boggling.  It's difficult to not only figure out how to parent alone but to also figure out who I am as an individual.  The introspection is difficult at times.  At moments I find myself proud of where we were and at others I feel like I had not quite learned everything from you I needed to.  I wish I had gleaned your calm nature.  Some of you reading this are laughing.  I realize it is genetically impossible for me to be calm.  I am strung fairly tight.  I think I've gotten better...maybe?!?!

In all the reading I have done in the past 5 months, I have learned many things but one that sticks with me is the idea of affirmation.  I try to affirm the people in my life.  I want you (yes, you reading) to know I appreciate and love you.  I want you to know how wonderful you are and how positively you influence my life even when you are not present.  I want you to understand how sincerely thrilled I am for all the greatness your life holds.  In my former self I didn't do enough of that. 

I suppose if I had one single regret in all of this, it would be that I didn't affirm Chris' greatness enough.  I know I told all of you what a fantastic father and spouse he was but I wish I had taken more moments to let him know.  I know he knew, but there is something in the act of conveying it personally that is sacred.

So, on April 1st, take time to affirm the ones you love.  Highlight their greatness, show your appreciation for their efforts and convey your excitement about everything wonderful in their lives.  There is power in this love.