Maya

Four years ago I was enormously pregnant with my baby girl.  The bag was packed sitting by the end of the bed with a last minute list tucked inside.  The clothes were washed, the bed was made, the bottles and binkies were sanitized.  Chris and I were awaiting the arrival of our baby girl.

I went into labor on a sunny spring afternoon.  It was April 23, 2007.  Chris and I were outside putting some flowers in planters and I was feeling grossly uncomfortable.  I remember sitting down and feeling a weird twinge.  But...nothing.  Around 6:00 p.m. I went inside to finish up some muffins and make dinner...salmon and of course go into labor.  I remember wondering if I should call Chris inside.  I thought I was having contractions but they weren't taking my breath away...and I was sure I was going to be the woman heading to the hospital a half dozen times in false labor.  Eventually Chris came in on his own and there I was, leaning on the counter.  He gave me an odd look and I told him I thought I was in labor.  But, we sat down to eat (probably a bad idea) because the contractions were so far apart still.

Eventually we decided I was in labor after Chris called his sister-in-law to verify.  Of course, by then, I was in enough pain that I was sure it was real.  We held off for a bit then called everyone else and headed to the hospital.

I remember looking at a pregnant woman in the waiting room and wondering why she was sitting there so calmly while I was in so much pain leaning against the counter.  Thankfully we were in a room quickly and it was determined that I would be staying.  It was just about 9:30 p.m. when we checked in.

My labor went quickly and the pain was slightly more than I was expecting.  Looking back someone needed to encourage me to walk.  If you have a baby, walk walk walk walk walk.  But my doctor did come quickly to break my water and order the epidural.

Chris took a nap while I played electronic yahtzee with my mom.  I had the shakes and they made me wear an annoying oxygen mask.  My doctor had estimated I would be holding my sweet girl by 7 a.m.  but by 1:30 a.m. I was checked and it was determined my doctor should be called and the 'fun' could begin shortly.  After only about 10 minutes of actual pushing my precious girl came into this world at 2:07 a.m. on April 24, 2007.  She weighed 7 lbs 1 oz and was 21 inches of long, lean arms and legs.

I remember laughing when I was sure I would be crying.  Both Chris and I were shocked we had a baby girl.  He followed the nurse around while she did all the newborn checks with a grin spread across his face. 

As Chris helped put lotion on Maya's body, she was curled up on her tummy and became so quiet under his touch.  It was a moment of bonding for them.

By the time our little family settled into our room it was 5 a.m. and we were exhausted.  But instead of sleeping I laid adoring my Maya's pink little face.  She was perfect.

Now, the coming days feel bitter sweet.  I cannot believe my little girl is turning 4!  She is vibrant, creative, intelligent, beautiful, tender-hearted and funny.  She continually has me in awe; I cannot believe I was blessed to be her mother in this life.  I cannot believe that Chris and I were able to create this beautiful human being.  More than anything I want him here to watch her grow into the beautiful woman she will one day become.  I know, some of you are thinking to yourselves 'he is there with you'.  But, honestly, it doesn't feel like enough.  It wouldn't have been enough for him to have to watch from the outside and I cannot for a single minute think he accepts that as enough now.   However, I do believe he is at peace.  I am just angry he will not get to interview her first date, help her pack for college or walk her down the aisle.

The torture of milestones feels never ending right now.  Maya's birthday...definitely a bigger deal than my anniversary.

We celebrated Maya's birthday yesterday at The Little Gym, one week before her actual birthday because this year it falls on Easter.  I wanted her to feel like her birthday was celebrated separately.  She had a fantastic time with her friends and family.  She was incredibly gracious when she opened her presents, gushing over each gift and thanking each person.  I was thankful for The Little Gym as they ran everything from set up to games to presents and cake.  It was a wonderful way to be introduced to the single parent birthday party.  I couldn't help but notice the lonely feeling settle in as I watched the kids play.  Today my sister-in-law mentioned it was difficult because she could hear and feel him.  We both could imagine exactly what he would do and say.  A happy early birthday to my best girl. 

In the shadows of our morphing life, we miss Chris.