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One hundred and fifty one days.

Today I have no profound words.

I cried on the way home from The Little Gym yesterday.

Chris should have been there.  I was angry.

I ate left over birthday cake for lunch after the kids went down for a nap.

I am counting down the days until Maya turns 4.

My heart is aching for a friend whose sweet baby girl was delivered stillborn.

Again, I am reminded about how human my experience is.

So, why do I feel like there is a rain cloud following me this month?

This month I was profoundly reminded that Owen will have no memory of Chris.

His calling other kids daddy's 'Dada' breaks my heart..pitch fork style.

The other day I thought "I should call Chris and ask him..."; haven't done that in awhile...

Chris would have known the answer to the question I had.

In the end, this morning I woke with peace in my heart and Chris on my mind.  I firmly believe I was dreaming about him; if only I could remember it...

On the way to the gym this morning I stared at the "Serious Accident" sign on Highway 2 which tracks how many days have passed since the latest incident.  The number was ay 16 when Chris died.  I was sad the day it reset...it was as if I was counting on it to keep track of how long Chris had been absent.  I need a break from driving past that sign. 

No matter where my life goes, what path I choose or what path chooses me, I will always love Chris.  This is not like divorce.  My love for Chris will never be replaced or altered.  My heart will always be connected to him and the life we built.  I am eternally thankful that Chris chose me to be his wife and the mother of his children.  I want you to know I love Chris still as I loved him when he was on this Earth.  I still feel the warmth of his skin, hear the beating of his heart and know the love he had for me and the kids.  I hope the person I feel like I need to say this to read it and feels my heart reaching out to theirs.