Commentary...

Though my mantra has had me holding out hope that the end of April will bring the end of a very stressful time, in reality the milestones will continue with the half year mark on the horizon.  Then we will be on the back side of that first year....

Struggling to focus on either Easter or Maya's birthday, I put off much of my preparations and didn't even have a concrete plan for her actual birthday until the evening before.  Lucky for me, I have great family and friends who would come in a moment's notice to be with us.

In the end, we had an Easter/Birthday Party which included a castle pinata, Easter egg hunt for the five kiddos, lunch, yummy cake pops, a few presents and then a nontraditional dinner of salmon.  Full, fun day for all of us.

As I lit the candle to sing to Maya, I couldn't help take a moment to look at my family and wonder where Chris would have been standing and picture the grin I know would have been spread across his face.  He loved his girl so much and couldn't believe how fast she was growing up, even five months ago.

At bedtime, I couldn't help bringing him up to Maya.  As she snuggled into bed I asked her if she could think of one more person who would love to tell her happy birthday.  Daddy...  Then she talked about how he would have been singing to her and telling her happy birthday.  She asked why she couldn't hear him say Happy Birthday but we agreed that we could feel him say it in our hearts.  The conversation, again, went to the questions about Chris falling in the shower and turning blue.  My explanation repeated my answer..no he didn't fall and no he didn't turn blue...his body stopped working.  Tonight she asked me something she had never before..."Does Daddy want to come back to be with me?"  I was thankful the lights were out because I was silently crying.  Of course he does.  How could he not?  She told me she had an idea...she would go back to being a baby so daddy could come back and stay for a long, long time. 

Tomorrow we will (hopefully) welcome my niece Amelia Christine to this world.  What a bitter sweet moment.  I can't wait to hold that bundle in my arms.  Part of me wants to feel close to someone who is so close to the other side.  I wonder if she knows her uncle Chris.  I know Chris would be so excited for his brother and razzing him about another daughter.  More milestones...more firsts. 

Today I feel sad because of the empty space Chris' death left in Maya's life.  So many people have stepped up to help fill this void for her and for that I am very appreciative.  I am longing to have that conversation today about how amazing it is that Maya is growing up so fast. 

At the same time, I am thinking about the funeral I attended last Wednesday for sweet Sawyer who passed on before she was able to take her first breath in this world.  The grief of her parents was so difficult to watch yet, I could almost feel it emanating from them.  Grief is palpable.  The death of this sweet baby has had me analyzing my own life, my own grief and my journey to healing.  Watching these parents support each other, watching the pain of the separation from their child had me wondering what Chris is feeling about the separation from his children.  I do feel like he is at peace, but I can't help but wonder what he thinks about missing their lives in the physical sense.

Happy Birthday to my sweet girl.  I cannot believe you are four!  You have become an intelligent, creative, caring, and vivacious little girl.  How blessed I am to be your mother, monkey!