The Journey

Chris,
There is so much going on that my mind is swirling and I keep turning to figure out who to tell, who to confide in yet there isn't you.  The funny thing is that the things going on are all related to so many things you and I discussed often.

Today I met sweet Amelia Christine and she is an amazing bundle of love.  Those cheeks are incredible.  I can't help but wonder where you are watching all of this.  What are you thinking about?  How do you go about supporting the people you love?  I wish you were here to share this time with your brother.  Jer is in for it with three girls in his house!!  Watching Sarah come in to see Amelia was incredible.  It reminded me of Maya coming to visit us at the hospital.  How complete we felt.  It's so cliche but it felt like Owen had always been a part of our family.  I loved watching Jer and Trish have this same experience with their girls today. 

Amelia's birth has brought about so many interesting conversations with Maya.  They would have you rolling.  Today I got to explain that some babies come out of the mom's vagina while others come out via a surgery.  Wow...she, of course, had to tell grandma she came out of my.... Silly girl. 

At bedtime Maya and I talked about how Amelia has just come to us from heaven.  She liked the idea that you sent her here with hugs and kisses.  I hope that that is truly how this world works.  I want to have faith that you are there acquainted with those who are coming to join us and that you are able to help us all on our journeys here on Earth.  I am trying Chris but this faith thing..it's hard. 

This journey is rocky and just when I feel like I am in control, I realize I'm not.  You know me...it makes me pissy.  I just hope I'm doing OK but in reality I don't want to be just mediocre.  I'm worried about our kids and I'm worried about myself.  Truly I am just trying to make this life everything you and I dreamed it would be but I feel like after 5 days I need a serious break which doesn't feel right and then, I feel like I'm failing miserably by needing it.  I know I'm not, but I can't help but be so hard on myself.

I love you Chris.  I know that you know...the secret I'm dying to share with you but I want to call your work phone and tell you not just wonder what you think about it....

Sabrina