Right now...I have this dysfunctional relationship with break up songs. Odd because really, I wasn't broken up with. The stage I am in, however, evokes feelings remarkably similar to being broken up with. Here is the song playing this morning while my kids are with grandma.
If I'm honest, I feel like God has stolen my heart from me...collected it in a jar. This isn't fair, I know. Trust me I don't want to cast blame but, right now, I am. How am I supposed to love again after experiencing such piercing anguish? Leaping into love blindly when I met Chris was not scary; it was exciting, thrilling, hopeful. Now that my heart has been shredded, it's terrifying to even consider the possibility. What if it were to happen again? What if the person I have become is dysfunctional out of self-preservation? What if soulmates do exist and mine is in Heaven? What if I can't bear ever watching my children suffer such a major blow as this?
Then, there is the song I can't listen to without shedding an enormous number of tears ....
I'm sure you can guess why after just reading the title. It just reminds me how much Chris loved his baby girl. He had to let her go too soon...and didn't even get to experience a fraction of her life with her. I feel so angry about that. I'm at a point I can handle this life and I've put my big girl panties on and can deal with this...I can despite my lack of desire to do so. It's my kids I feel angry for. It's insane to think our life with Chris will become such a distant reality.
Last night I laid down to sleep at 4 a.m....and I couldn't help but think that I just don't fit in, even in this altered reality. When the sun has set, my house is quiet and the silence has set in, what is left?
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