I have been contemplating the confessions of a widow... My life seems strangely shrouded in secrecy yet blatantly open for criticism. Want to know my secrets?
I feed my kids quick, kid friendly food almost all the time now because cooking is a major chore now.
I'm flaky...I was absolutely NOT before. I don't always keep play dates or plans.
I miss 'that' part of my relationship.
I have only dusted once since Chris died...almost 6 months ago.
My stage of grief right now definitely entails anger. The other night at the height of frustration as I was alone in my house, I found myself asking "Where the hell are you Chris?" Fair? No. Reality? Absolutely!
I need lots of breaks from my kids. Maya's attitude with me vacillates between endearing and infuriating.
I feel enormous guilt about Chris' death as if there were a way to keep him here and I should have found it.
The rules for my kids are much more gray now. Sometimes telling Owen to get down off the TV stand for the 20th time is just too much...I ignore it.
I have much more attractive underwear now...
I am more self-conscious: physically, emotionally, socially...
I'm very concerned about losing relationships which causes me to emotionally check out from people. Sounds a bit like an excuse...
I'm not overspending but I'm also not keeping the tight reign on my budget I did before we dove into this lifestyle. Sometimes I find myself buying things with the thought that Chris didn't live long enough to enjoy all the things he wanted to...like the fish tank I just bought because we had been contemplating it before Chris died.
Most days I live by the motto "Fake it til you make it". If I can't fake it, I hide out at home.
Some days I think about Chris constantly...other rarely. On the rare days I feel enormous guilt when I fall asleep with this realization.
I'm starting to doubt there are many who can pin down who I am right now; myself included
I avoid mention of the words death, dead and dying to Maya because she is in a calm place right now in requests for Chris to return to us thus I don't want to ignite them.
Perhaps they are not dark secrets...but they are issues that weigh on my heart. Because of them I question myself, my decisions, my sanity. I worry about how I come across as a mother, a friend, a family member. I'm concerned not only about who I will come out of this being but also who my children will grow to be both because of their personal experience as well as my nurturing during all of this. My perspectives on life have changed immensely.
In the silence of the early morning I find myself longing for answers, looking for direction and simply hoping for the best.
Beaner - It's a crazy new world that I don't think anyone has a right to judge you on. You're doing phenomenal and even when you feel like you are lacking, you are doing tremendously good. I think we all have "secrets" - like me having Melissa choose meals cuz cooking for two just sucks (all those pans and dishes?!?!). Just say when, and I'll send you a *wink wink* package. :) <3 Kay
ReplyDeleteI get it. Every single word of it resonates with me.
ReplyDeleteThis is perfect. I feel like I'm in the same exact place right now, with every secret you confessed. Thank you. You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog by accident, while reading another blog I regularly check out. I don't know you, nor am I a widow, but I just want you to know that no matter what you think of yourself right now, you're doing a great job, because you're doing the best you can right now. I'm a stay-at-home mom of 3 girls under 5, and some days I feel like I'm going to go insane. I make meals that are easy, and not so nutritious, I ignore rules being broken because I'm too tired to say "don't do that" another time, and most days these days I'm a complete flake. I forget things, I wander around, not accomplishing anything. I let things around the house go. All this, and I'm not a widow....so you see, you're doing great. I can't imagine being in your situation. I think you're doing good even getting up in the morning. Don't be so hard on yourself. Some day, when your kids are grown, they won't look back and remember anything you think is a shortcoming right now....they'll just remember you were there for them and you loved them enough to keep going.
ReplyDeleteI second Brooke! Its like you're in my head. Especially the flakey part and the feeling of being burdened. Thank you for sharing this. You helped a lot of people with your words here. I'm sorry you are suffering but I'm glad I found your blog!
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