Right now...I have this dysfunctional relationship with break up songs. Odd because really, I wasn't broken up with. The stage I am in, however, evokes feelings remarkably similar to being broken up with. Here is the song playing this morning while my kids are with grandma.
If I'm honest, I feel like God has stolen my heart from me...collected it in a jar. This isn't fair, I know. Trust me I don't want to cast blame but, right now, I am. How am I supposed to love again after experiencing such piercing anguish? Leaping into love blindly when I met Chris was not scary; it was exciting, thrilling, hopeful. Now that my heart has been shredded, it's terrifying to even consider the possibility. What if it were to happen again? What if the person I have become is dysfunctional out of self-preservation? What if soulmates do exist and mine is in Heaven? What if I can't bear ever watching my children suffer such a major blow as this?
Then, there is the song I can't listen to without shedding an enormous number of tears ....
I'm sure you can guess why after just reading the title. It just reminds me how much Chris loved his baby girl. He had to let her go too soon...and didn't even get to experience a fraction of her life with her. I feel so angry about that. I'm at a point I can handle this life and I've put my big girl panties on and can deal with this...I can despite my lack of desire to do so. It's my kids I feel angry for. It's insane to think our life with Chris will become such a distant reality.
Last night I laid down to sleep at 4 a.m....and I couldn't help but think that I just don't fit in, even in this altered reality. When the sun has set, my house is quiet and the silence has set in, what is left?
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
The Journey
Chris,
There is so much going on that my mind is swirling and I keep turning to figure out who to tell, who to confide in yet there isn't you. The funny thing is that the things going on are all related to so many things you and I discussed often.
Today I met sweet Amelia Christine and she is an amazing bundle of love. Those cheeks are incredible. I can't help but wonder where you are watching all of this. What are you thinking about? How do you go about supporting the people you love? I wish you were here to share this time with your brother. Jer is in for it with three girls in his house!! Watching Sarah come in to see Amelia was incredible. It reminded me of Maya coming to visit us at the hospital. How complete we felt. It's so cliche but it felt like Owen had always been a part of our family. I loved watching Jer and Trish have this same experience with their girls today.
Amelia's birth has brought about so many interesting conversations with Maya. They would have you rolling. Today I got to explain that some babies come out of the mom's vagina while others come out via a surgery. Wow...she, of course, had to tell grandma she came out of my.... Silly girl.
At bedtime Maya and I talked about how Amelia has just come to us from heaven. She liked the idea that you sent her here with hugs and kisses. I hope that that is truly how this world works. I want to have faith that you are there acquainted with those who are coming to join us and that you are able to help us all on our journeys here on Earth. I am trying Chris but this faith thing..it's hard.
This journey is rocky and just when I feel like I am in control, I realize I'm not. You know me...it makes me pissy. I just hope I'm doing OK but in reality I don't want to be just mediocre. I'm worried about our kids and I'm worried about myself. Truly I am just trying to make this life everything you and I dreamed it would be but I feel like after 5 days I need a serious break which doesn't feel right and then, I feel like I'm failing miserably by needing it. I know I'm not, but I can't help but be so hard on myself.
I love you Chris. I know that you know...the secret I'm dying to share with you but I want to call your work phone and tell you not just wonder what you think about it....
Sabrina
There is so much going on that my mind is swirling and I keep turning to figure out who to tell, who to confide in yet there isn't you. The funny thing is that the things going on are all related to so many things you and I discussed often.
Today I met sweet Amelia Christine and she is an amazing bundle of love. Those cheeks are incredible. I can't help but wonder where you are watching all of this. What are you thinking about? How do you go about supporting the people you love? I wish you were here to share this time with your brother. Jer is in for it with three girls in his house!! Watching Sarah come in to see Amelia was incredible. It reminded me of Maya coming to visit us at the hospital. How complete we felt. It's so cliche but it felt like Owen had always been a part of our family. I loved watching Jer and Trish have this same experience with their girls today.
Amelia's birth has brought about so many interesting conversations with Maya. They would have you rolling. Today I got to explain that some babies come out of the mom's vagina while others come out via a surgery. Wow...she, of course, had to tell grandma she came out of my.... Silly girl.
At bedtime Maya and I talked about how Amelia has just come to us from heaven. She liked the idea that you sent her here with hugs and kisses. I hope that that is truly how this world works. I want to have faith that you are there acquainted with those who are coming to join us and that you are able to help us all on our journeys here on Earth. I am trying Chris but this faith thing..it's hard.
This journey is rocky and just when I feel like I am in control, I realize I'm not. You know me...it makes me pissy. I just hope I'm doing OK but in reality I don't want to be just mediocre. I'm worried about our kids and I'm worried about myself. Truly I am just trying to make this life everything you and I dreamed it would be but I feel like after 5 days I need a serious break which doesn't feel right and then, I feel like I'm failing miserably by needing it. I know I'm not, but I can't help but be so hard on myself.
I love you Chris. I know that you know...the secret I'm dying to share with you but I want to call your work phone and tell you not just wonder what you think about it....
Sabrina
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Commentary...
Though my mantra has had me holding out hope that the end of April will bring the end of a very stressful time, in reality the milestones will continue with the half year mark on the horizon. Then we will be on the back side of that first year....
Struggling to focus on either Easter or Maya's birthday, I put off much of my preparations and didn't even have a concrete plan for her actual birthday until the evening before. Lucky for me, I have great family and friends who would come in a moment's notice to be with us.
In the end, we had an Easter/Birthday Party which included a castle pinata, Easter egg hunt for the five kiddos, lunch, yummy cake pops, a few presents and then a nontraditional dinner of salmon. Full, fun day for all of us.
As I lit the candle to sing to Maya, I couldn't help take a moment to look at my family and wonder where Chris would have been standing and picture the grin I know would have been spread across his face. He loved his girl so much and couldn't believe how fast she was growing up, even five months ago.
At bedtime, I couldn't help bringing him up to Maya. As she snuggled into bed I asked her if she could think of one more person who would love to tell her happy birthday. Daddy... Then she talked about how he would have been singing to her and telling her happy birthday. She asked why she couldn't hear him say Happy Birthday but we agreed that we could feel him say it in our hearts. The conversation, again, went to the questions about Chris falling in the shower and turning blue. My explanation repeated my answer..no he didn't fall and no he didn't turn blue...his body stopped working. Tonight she asked me something she had never before..."Does Daddy want to come back to be with me?" I was thankful the lights were out because I was silently crying. Of course he does. How could he not? She told me she had an idea...she would go back to being a baby so daddy could come back and stay for a long, long time.
Tomorrow we will (hopefully) welcome my niece Amelia Christine to this world. What a bitter sweet moment. I can't wait to hold that bundle in my arms. Part of me wants to feel close to someone who is so close to the other side. I wonder if she knows her uncle Chris. I know Chris would be so excited for his brother and razzing him about another daughter. More milestones...more firsts.
Today I feel sad because of the empty space Chris' death left in Maya's life. So many people have stepped up to help fill this void for her and for that I am very appreciative. I am longing to have that conversation today about how amazing it is that Maya is growing up so fast.
At the same time, I am thinking about the funeral I attended last Wednesday for sweet Sawyer who passed on before she was able to take her first breath in this world. The grief of her parents was so difficult to watch yet, I could almost feel it emanating from them. Grief is palpable. The death of this sweet baby has had me analyzing my own life, my own grief and my journey to healing. Watching these parents support each other, watching the pain of the separation from their child had me wondering what Chris is feeling about the separation from his children. I do feel like he is at peace, but I can't help but wonder what he thinks about missing their lives in the physical sense.
Happy Birthday to my sweet girl. I cannot believe you are four! You have become an intelligent, creative, caring, and vivacious little girl. How blessed I am to be your mother, monkey!
Struggling to focus on either Easter or Maya's birthday, I put off much of my preparations and didn't even have a concrete plan for her actual birthday until the evening before. Lucky for me, I have great family and friends who would come in a moment's notice to be with us.
In the end, we had an Easter/Birthday Party which included a castle pinata, Easter egg hunt for the five kiddos, lunch, yummy cake pops, a few presents and then a nontraditional dinner of salmon. Full, fun day for all of us.
As I lit the candle to sing to Maya, I couldn't help take a moment to look at my family and wonder where Chris would have been standing and picture the grin I know would have been spread across his face. He loved his girl so much and couldn't believe how fast she was growing up, even five months ago.
At bedtime, I couldn't help bringing him up to Maya. As she snuggled into bed I asked her if she could think of one more person who would love to tell her happy birthday. Daddy... Then she talked about how he would have been singing to her and telling her happy birthday. She asked why she couldn't hear him say Happy Birthday but we agreed that we could feel him say it in our hearts. The conversation, again, went to the questions about Chris falling in the shower and turning blue. My explanation repeated my answer..no he didn't fall and no he didn't turn blue...his body stopped working. Tonight she asked me something she had never before..."Does Daddy want to come back to be with me?" I was thankful the lights were out because I was silently crying. Of course he does. How could he not? She told me she had an idea...she would go back to being a baby so daddy could come back and stay for a long, long time.
Tomorrow we will (hopefully) welcome my niece Amelia Christine to this world. What a bitter sweet moment. I can't wait to hold that bundle in my arms. Part of me wants to feel close to someone who is so close to the other side. I wonder if she knows her uncle Chris. I know Chris would be so excited for his brother and razzing him about another daughter. More milestones...more firsts.
Today I feel sad because of the empty space Chris' death left in Maya's life. So many people have stepped up to help fill this void for her and for that I am very appreciative. I am longing to have that conversation today about how amazing it is that Maya is growing up so fast.
At the same time, I am thinking about the funeral I attended last Wednesday for sweet Sawyer who passed on before she was able to take her first breath in this world. The grief of her parents was so difficult to watch yet, I could almost feel it emanating from them. Grief is palpable. The death of this sweet baby has had me analyzing my own life, my own grief and my journey to healing. Watching these parents support each other, watching the pain of the separation from their child had me wondering what Chris is feeling about the separation from his children. I do feel like he is at peace, but I can't help but wonder what he thinks about missing their lives in the physical sense.
Happy Birthday to my sweet girl. I cannot believe you are four! You have become an intelligent, creative, caring, and vivacious little girl. How blessed I am to be your mother, monkey!
Maya's Fourth Birthday!!!
I found out I was pregnant with Maya the first week of September 2006 and we were surprised. Here is my baby bump at 16 weeks then at 39 weeks.
Meeting Maya....
Meeting Mommy!
Meeting Daddy!
Three months old and all dressed up!
Six Months Old Goofy Girl
Nine Month Old Sweetie!
Towel Girl...One Year Old!!
Eighteen Months Old..looking sad.
Two Years Old..growing up fast!
Two and a Half year old Snow White
Three Years Old...meeting Rosetta!
Three and a half year old Ariel!
Meeting Maya....
Meeting Mommy!
Meeting Daddy!
Three months old and all dressed up!
Six Months Old Goofy Girl
Nine Month Old Sweetie!
Towel Girl...One Year Old!!
Eighteen Months Old..looking sad.
Two Years Old..growing up fast!
Three Years Old...meeting Rosetta!
Three and a half year old Ariel!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
wipe off the blood....
One of the most enlightening experiences I've had was coaching girls soccer at Lindbergh High School. However, I'm not thinking of the experiences but of the quote the girls chose for their t-shirts my second year coaching.
Wipe off the blood and get back in the game.
I'm having a wipe off the blood sort of day.
Today I woke up with two tasks...Costco and the Shane Company.
Last week I took my wedding ring to be cleaned and unsoldered. My computer doesn't like that word; is it a sign? I am thinking that perhaps each of my kids will have one when they are older. Who knows.
I walked into the store feeling fine but as the salesperson took the rings out of the bag my stomach sank. There was something about seeing them looking shiny and new. I hadn't had it cleaned in two years. Then the awkward conversation of why I wasn't going to try it on then my request for a box which she even wrapped in a beautiful bow which was awkward too. Looking back it might have been slightly uncouth to shove them in my jeans pocket as I walked away. With a deep breath, I shoved the box into the depths of my diaper bag.
My kids fought all the way through Costco as I thought about the red satin ring box riding around in the oversized shopping cart. It made me think about the trip my engagement ring took to Vegas then on to San Diego where Chris proposed.
$221 later I was on my way home trying to wipe off the blood and get back in the game.
Wipe off the blood and get back in the game.
I'm having a wipe off the blood sort of day.
Today I woke up with two tasks...Costco and the Shane Company.
Last week I took my wedding ring to be cleaned and unsoldered. My computer doesn't like that word; is it a sign? I am thinking that perhaps each of my kids will have one when they are older. Who knows.
I walked into the store feeling fine but as the salesperson took the rings out of the bag my stomach sank. There was something about seeing them looking shiny and new. I hadn't had it cleaned in two years. Then the awkward conversation of why I wasn't going to try it on then my request for a box which she even wrapped in a beautiful bow which was awkward too. Looking back it might have been slightly uncouth to shove them in my jeans pocket as I walked away. With a deep breath, I shoved the box into the depths of my diaper bag.
My kids fought all the way through Costco as I thought about the red satin ring box riding around in the oversized shopping cart. It made me think about the trip my engagement ring took to Vegas then on to San Diego where Chris proposed.
$221 later I was on my way home trying to wipe off the blood and get back in the game.
Monday, April 18, 2011
151
One hundred and fifty one days.
Today I have no profound words.
I cried on the way home from The Little Gym yesterday.
Chris should have been there. I was angry.
I ate left over birthday cake for lunch after the kids went down for a nap.
I am counting down the days until Maya turns 4.
My heart is aching for a friend whose sweet baby girl was delivered stillborn.
Again, I am reminded about how human my experience is.
So, why do I feel like there is a rain cloud following me this month?
This month I was profoundly reminded that Owen will have no memory of Chris.
His calling other kids daddy's 'Dada' breaks my heart..pitch fork style.
The other day I thought "I should call Chris and ask him..."; haven't done that in awhile...
Chris would have known the answer to the question I had.
In the end, this morning I woke with peace in my heart and Chris on my mind. I firmly believe I was dreaming about him; if only I could remember it...
On the way to the gym this morning I stared at the "Serious Accident" sign on Highway 2 which tracks how many days have passed since the latest incident. The number was ay 16 when Chris died. I was sad the day it reset...it was as if I was counting on it to keep track of how long Chris had been absent. I need a break from driving past that sign.
No matter where my life goes, what path I choose or what path chooses me, I will always love Chris. This is not like divorce. My love for Chris will never be replaced or altered. My heart will always be connected to him and the life we built. I am eternally thankful that Chris chose me to be his wife and the mother of his children. I want you to know I love Chris still as I loved him when he was on this Earth. I still feel the warmth of his skin, hear the beating of his heart and know the love he had for me and the kids. I hope the person I feel like I need to say this to read it and feels my heart reaching out to theirs.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Maya
Four years ago I was enormously pregnant with my baby girl. The bag was packed sitting by the end of the bed with a last minute list tucked inside. The clothes were washed, the bed was made, the bottles and binkies were sanitized. Chris and I were awaiting the arrival of our baby girl.
I went into labor on a sunny spring afternoon. It was April 23, 2007. Chris and I were outside putting some flowers in planters and I was feeling grossly uncomfortable. I remember sitting down and feeling a weird twinge. But...nothing. Around 6:00 p.m. I went inside to finish up some muffins and make dinner...salmon and of course go into labor. I remember wondering if I should call Chris inside. I thought I was having contractions but they weren't taking my breath away...and I was sure I was going to be the woman heading to the hospital a half dozen times in false labor. Eventually Chris came in on his own and there I was, leaning on the counter. He gave me an odd look and I told him I thought I was in labor. But, we sat down to eat (probably a bad idea) because the contractions were so far apart still.
Eventually we decided I was in labor after Chris called his sister-in-law to verify. Of course, by then, I was in enough pain that I was sure it was real. We held off for a bit then called everyone else and headed to the hospital.
I remember looking at a pregnant woman in the waiting room and wondering why she was sitting there so calmly while I was in so much pain leaning against the counter. Thankfully we were in a room quickly and it was determined that I would be staying. It was just about 9:30 p.m. when we checked in.
My labor went quickly and the pain was slightly more than I was expecting. Looking back someone needed to encourage me to walk. If you have a baby, walk walk walk walk walk. But my doctor did come quickly to break my water and order the epidural.
Chris took a nap while I played electronic yahtzee with my mom. I had the shakes and they made me wear an annoying oxygen mask. My doctor had estimated I would be holding my sweet girl by 7 a.m. but by 1:30 a.m. I was checked and it was determined my doctor should be called and the 'fun' could begin shortly. After only about 10 minutes of actual pushing my precious girl came into this world at 2:07 a.m. on April 24, 2007. She weighed 7 lbs 1 oz and was 21 inches of long, lean arms and legs.
I remember laughing when I was sure I would be crying. Both Chris and I were shocked we had a baby girl. He followed the nurse around while she did all the newborn checks with a grin spread across his face.
As Chris helped put lotion on Maya's body, she was curled up on her tummy and became so quiet under his touch. It was a moment of bonding for them.
By the time our little family settled into our room it was 5 a.m. and we were exhausted. But instead of sleeping I laid adoring my Maya's pink little face. She was perfect.
Now, the coming days feel bitter sweet. I cannot believe my little girl is turning 4! She is vibrant, creative, intelligent, beautiful, tender-hearted and funny. She continually has me in awe; I cannot believe I was blessed to be her mother in this life. I cannot believe that Chris and I were able to create this beautiful human being. More than anything I want him here to watch her grow into the beautiful woman she will one day become. I know, some of you are thinking to yourselves 'he is there with you'. But, honestly, it doesn't feel like enough. It wouldn't have been enough for him to have to watch from the outside and I cannot for a single minute think he accepts that as enough now. However, I do believe he is at peace. I am just angry he will not get to interview her first date, help her pack for college or walk her down the aisle.
The torture of milestones feels never ending right now. Maya's birthday...definitely a bigger deal than my anniversary.
We celebrated Maya's birthday yesterday at The Little Gym, one week before her actual birthday because this year it falls on Easter. I wanted her to feel like her birthday was celebrated separately. She had a fantastic time with her friends and family. She was incredibly gracious when she opened her presents, gushing over each gift and thanking each person. I was thankful for The Little Gym as they ran everything from set up to games to presents and cake. It was a wonderful way to be introduced to the single parent birthday party. I couldn't help but notice the lonely feeling settle in as I watched the kids play. Today my sister-in-law mentioned it was difficult because she could hear and feel him. We both could imagine exactly what he would do and say. A happy early birthday to my best girl.
In the shadows of our morphing life, we miss Chris.
I went into labor on a sunny spring afternoon. It was April 23, 2007. Chris and I were outside putting some flowers in planters and I was feeling grossly uncomfortable. I remember sitting down and feeling a weird twinge. But...nothing. Around 6:00 p.m. I went inside to finish up some muffins and make dinner...salmon and of course go into labor. I remember wondering if I should call Chris inside. I thought I was having contractions but they weren't taking my breath away...and I was sure I was going to be the woman heading to the hospital a half dozen times in false labor. Eventually Chris came in on his own and there I was, leaning on the counter. He gave me an odd look and I told him I thought I was in labor. But, we sat down to eat (probably a bad idea) because the contractions were so far apart still.
Eventually we decided I was in labor after Chris called his sister-in-law to verify. Of course, by then, I was in enough pain that I was sure it was real. We held off for a bit then called everyone else and headed to the hospital.
I remember looking at a pregnant woman in the waiting room and wondering why she was sitting there so calmly while I was in so much pain leaning against the counter. Thankfully we were in a room quickly and it was determined that I would be staying. It was just about 9:30 p.m. when we checked in.
My labor went quickly and the pain was slightly more than I was expecting. Looking back someone needed to encourage me to walk. If you have a baby, walk walk walk walk walk. But my doctor did come quickly to break my water and order the epidural.
Chris took a nap while I played electronic yahtzee with my mom. I had the shakes and they made me wear an annoying oxygen mask. My doctor had estimated I would be holding my sweet girl by 7 a.m. but by 1:30 a.m. I was checked and it was determined my doctor should be called and the 'fun' could begin shortly. After only about 10 minutes of actual pushing my precious girl came into this world at 2:07 a.m. on April 24, 2007. She weighed 7 lbs 1 oz and was 21 inches of long, lean arms and legs.
I remember laughing when I was sure I would be crying. Both Chris and I were shocked we had a baby girl. He followed the nurse around while she did all the newborn checks with a grin spread across his face.
As Chris helped put lotion on Maya's body, she was curled up on her tummy and became so quiet under his touch. It was a moment of bonding for them.
By the time our little family settled into our room it was 5 a.m. and we were exhausted. But instead of sleeping I laid adoring my Maya's pink little face. She was perfect.
Now, the coming days feel bitter sweet. I cannot believe my little girl is turning 4! She is vibrant, creative, intelligent, beautiful, tender-hearted and funny. She continually has me in awe; I cannot believe I was blessed to be her mother in this life. I cannot believe that Chris and I were able to create this beautiful human being. More than anything I want him here to watch her grow into the beautiful woman she will one day become. I know, some of you are thinking to yourselves 'he is there with you'. But, honestly, it doesn't feel like enough. It wouldn't have been enough for him to have to watch from the outside and I cannot for a single minute think he accepts that as enough now. However, I do believe he is at peace. I am just angry he will not get to interview her first date, help her pack for college or walk her down the aisle.
The torture of milestones feels never ending right now. Maya's birthday...definitely a bigger deal than my anniversary.
We celebrated Maya's birthday yesterday at The Little Gym, one week before her actual birthday because this year it falls on Easter. I wanted her to feel like her birthday was celebrated separately. She had a fantastic time with her friends and family. She was incredibly gracious when she opened her presents, gushing over each gift and thanking each person. I was thankful for The Little Gym as they ran everything from set up to games to presents and cake. It was a wonderful way to be introduced to the single parent birthday party. I couldn't help but notice the lonely feeling settle in as I watched the kids play. Today my sister-in-law mentioned it was difficult because she could hear and feel him. We both could imagine exactly what he would do and say. A happy early birthday to my best girl.
In the shadows of our morphing life, we miss Chris.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Anniversary
I tried to write a post on April 9th but only got as far as a title before I gave up.
In retrospect, the anticipation of of the day turned out to be more stressful then the day itself. Instead, I woke up and thought, yes, today is it. Instead of tears, however, we got going because it was a busy day of packing, errands, soccer, dropping off and checking into the hotel.
A month or so ago I decided I wasn't going to sit around and be depressed so I got my close friends and family on board or a 'night out.' I decided on the casino...because Chris would have loved it. Of course, in retrospect it had me wondering why we didn't do this when he was alive. Also, apparently retrospect is my word of the day. I reserved a suite which was great for hanging out and we had a second room thanks to my parents.
Instead of going into the details of the night....I will tell you this.
April 9, 2005 I walked down the stairs of the Hollywood School House in Woodinville Washington and listened to the beginning of Cannon in D. On cue, my dad and I walked down the aisle to a beaming (though flushed) Christopher. The string quartet was beautiful and my soon to be husband, dashing. If I could bottle the feeling I had in that moment (aside from the fear he was going to pass out) I would. And when I am missing Chris the most I would take a moment to relive that time, the happiness, the hope, the love. I suppose I have come to terms with the fact that this will always be a major fact of my life and that it will eventually alter everything about my current life. I have also come to terms with the fact that though my love for Chris will not change, my passion probably will. It's this passion I want bottled so that I always remember and can relay it to my children.
In retrospect, the anticipation of of the day turned out to be more stressful then the day itself. Instead, I woke up and thought, yes, today is it. Instead of tears, however, we got going because it was a busy day of packing, errands, soccer, dropping off and checking into the hotel.
A month or so ago I decided I wasn't going to sit around and be depressed so I got my close friends and family on board or a 'night out.' I decided on the casino...because Chris would have loved it. Of course, in retrospect it had me wondering why we didn't do this when he was alive. Also, apparently retrospect is my word of the day. I reserved a suite which was great for hanging out and we had a second room thanks to my parents.
Instead of going into the details of the night....I will tell you this.
April 9, 2005 I walked down the stairs of the Hollywood School House in Woodinville Washington and listened to the beginning of Cannon in D. On cue, my dad and I walked down the aisle to a beaming (though flushed) Christopher. The string quartet was beautiful and my soon to be husband, dashing. If I could bottle the feeling I had in that moment (aside from the fear he was going to pass out) I would. And when I am missing Chris the most I would take a moment to relive that time, the happiness, the hope, the love. I suppose I have come to terms with the fact that this will always be a major fact of my life and that it will eventually alter everything about my current life. I have also come to terms with the fact that though my love for Chris will not change, my passion probably will. It's this passion I want bottled so that I always remember and can relay it to my children.
Friday, April 1, 2011
I wasn't ready
Oh April....I wasn't ready for you yet. I'm not sure if it's the upcoming events or the memories of the past that are haunting me.
On April 1, 2005 we had just moved into our house and were in the final week of preparing for our wedding. So much to do...but as always you were calm and collected while I had lists everywhere and project after project to complete. While I was frazzled you calmed me and told me it would all work out and we would go on a fantastic honeymoon. And, we did.
In April of 2007 we were on the verge of having our baby girl. The bags were packed, I was in my final weeks of working at Meadowdale and you were nervous about what this baby thing would entail. I spent an entire hour one evening trying to set up the pack-in-play while you sat on the couch laughing at my inability to comprehend the directions. In retrospect it makes me laugh because it takes me all of a minute to set it up now. We were nervous, we were excited, we were looking forward to the future.
April 24, 2008 we celebrated Maya's first birthday. She had spent the better part of April sick with fevers and runny noses while we stayed up nights walking the living room with her. Maya turned one and we couldn't believe an entire year had passed. It was at that point we started talking about a second child. We settled on 'starting' in October when Maya would be 18 months.
April of 2009 brought Maya's 2nd birthday, I was pregnant with Owen and we ventured to Disneyland with the family. The excitement and anxiety surrounding a second child had set in. We spent the month redoing the spare room for Maya. Hours were spent painting and putting new furniture together. Maya loved her new big girl room.
April 2010 was our 5th anniversary. We went to Seattle for a night about a month before our anniversary as an early outing and the kids...they were sick as they like to be when we planned stuff like that. We stayed, they survived. On our actual anniversary we went to a restaurant you had heard about in Arlington where I had the best filet mignon and the owner brought us dessert when he heard it was our anniversary. If we had known it would be the last anniversary we would celebrate, would we have done something different? Maya's 3rd birthday came so fast...and we were busy packing for another trip to California with your brother and his family. You were so excited to spend that time with your family.
Now here I am officially in April 2011. It's been almost 5 months since you died. Our would be 6th anniversary is in 8 days. Maya's birthday is in a little over 3 weeks and I am planning her party and our un-anniversary by myself.
I always imagined we would be one of those couples proud to have been married 25, 30....45 years. Instead we got 5. Yesterday I was remembering you. The morning you died I remember running into you in our microscopic kitchen as I grabbed the creamer for my coffee and you were trying to get the kids breakfast on the table. I was trying to remember if I touched you that morning other than this accidental encounter. You teased me that I was trying to take you out.
The prospect of making it to April 2012 seems improbable because at times it seems like an eternity away. However, I know we will make it. I suppose I feel that if I can make it almost 5 months when it is all so fresh that the next year is doable. I can't imagine who Maya will be as she approaches 5 years old with kindergarten on the cusp. I pray Owen will have found his non destructive groove by 2 1/2 so I am not resorting to locking him in Cally's crate while I shower. No calls to CPS...I wouldn't do that. But, in a year I can imagine his mischievous grin still in place but the sentences spilling out of his mouth. And, the big question... who will I have become?
Certainly in this process is the natural grieving of Chris and our family but what I didn't realize as I began this journey was that I would also be grieving who I was. It would be absolutely impossible to still be that person because I was her because of you...because of us. Now I am me. Trying to figure out who that is after 7 1/2 years in a relationship with you is mind boggling. It's difficult to not only figure out how to parent alone but to also figure out who I am as an individual. The introspection is difficult at times. At moments I find myself proud of where we were and at others I feel like I had not quite learned everything from you I needed to. I wish I had gleaned your calm nature. Some of you reading this are laughing. I realize it is genetically impossible for me to be calm. I am strung fairly tight. I think I've gotten better...maybe?!?!
In all the reading I have done in the past 5 months, I have learned many things but one that sticks with me is the idea of affirmation. I try to affirm the people in my life. I want you (yes, you reading) to know I appreciate and love you. I want you to know how wonderful you are and how positively you influence my life even when you are not present. I want you to understand how sincerely thrilled I am for all the greatness your life holds. In my former self I didn't do enough of that.
I suppose if I had one single regret in all of this, it would be that I didn't affirm Chris' greatness enough. I know I told all of you what a fantastic father and spouse he was but I wish I had taken more moments to let him know. I know he knew, but there is something in the act of conveying it personally that is sacred.
So, on April 1st, take time to affirm the ones you love. Highlight their greatness, show your appreciation for their efforts and convey your excitement about everything wonderful in their lives. There is power in this love.
On April 1, 2005 we had just moved into our house and were in the final week of preparing for our wedding. So much to do...but as always you were calm and collected while I had lists everywhere and project after project to complete. While I was frazzled you calmed me and told me it would all work out and we would go on a fantastic honeymoon. And, we did.
In April of 2007 we were on the verge of having our baby girl. The bags were packed, I was in my final weeks of working at Meadowdale and you were nervous about what this baby thing would entail. I spent an entire hour one evening trying to set up the pack-in-play while you sat on the couch laughing at my inability to comprehend the directions. In retrospect it makes me laugh because it takes me all of a minute to set it up now. We were nervous, we were excited, we were looking forward to the future.
April 24, 2008 we celebrated Maya's first birthday. She had spent the better part of April sick with fevers and runny noses while we stayed up nights walking the living room with her. Maya turned one and we couldn't believe an entire year had passed. It was at that point we started talking about a second child. We settled on 'starting' in October when Maya would be 18 months.
April of 2009 brought Maya's 2nd birthday, I was pregnant with Owen and we ventured to Disneyland with the family. The excitement and anxiety surrounding a second child had set in. We spent the month redoing the spare room for Maya. Hours were spent painting and putting new furniture together. Maya loved her new big girl room.
April 2010 was our 5th anniversary. We went to Seattle for a night about a month before our anniversary as an early outing and the kids...they were sick as they like to be when we planned stuff like that. We stayed, they survived. On our actual anniversary we went to a restaurant you had heard about in Arlington where I had the best filet mignon and the owner brought us dessert when he heard it was our anniversary. If we had known it would be the last anniversary we would celebrate, would we have done something different? Maya's 3rd birthday came so fast...and we were busy packing for another trip to California with your brother and his family. You were so excited to spend that time with your family.
Now here I am officially in April 2011. It's been almost 5 months since you died. Our would be 6th anniversary is in 8 days. Maya's birthday is in a little over 3 weeks and I am planning her party and our un-anniversary by myself.
I always imagined we would be one of those couples proud to have been married 25, 30....45 years. Instead we got 5. Yesterday I was remembering you. The morning you died I remember running into you in our microscopic kitchen as I grabbed the creamer for my coffee and you were trying to get the kids breakfast on the table. I was trying to remember if I touched you that morning other than this accidental encounter. You teased me that I was trying to take you out.
The prospect of making it to April 2012 seems improbable because at times it seems like an eternity away. However, I know we will make it. I suppose I feel that if I can make it almost 5 months when it is all so fresh that the next year is doable. I can't imagine who Maya will be as she approaches 5 years old with kindergarten on the cusp. I pray Owen will have found his non destructive groove by 2 1/2 so I am not resorting to locking him in Cally's crate while I shower. No calls to CPS...I wouldn't do that. But, in a year I can imagine his mischievous grin still in place but the sentences spilling out of his mouth. And, the big question... who will I have become?
Certainly in this process is the natural grieving of Chris and our family but what I didn't realize as I began this journey was that I would also be grieving who I was. It would be absolutely impossible to still be that person because I was her because of you...because of us. Now I am me. Trying to figure out who that is after 7 1/2 years in a relationship with you is mind boggling. It's difficult to not only figure out how to parent alone but to also figure out who I am as an individual. The introspection is difficult at times. At moments I find myself proud of where we were and at others I feel like I had not quite learned everything from you I needed to. I wish I had gleaned your calm nature. Some of you reading this are laughing. I realize it is genetically impossible for me to be calm. I am strung fairly tight. I think I've gotten better...maybe?!?!
In all the reading I have done in the past 5 months, I have learned many things but one that sticks with me is the idea of affirmation. I try to affirm the people in my life. I want you (yes, you reading) to know I appreciate and love you. I want you to know how wonderful you are and how positively you influence my life even when you are not present. I want you to understand how sincerely thrilled I am for all the greatness your life holds. In my former self I didn't do enough of that.
I suppose if I had one single regret in all of this, it would be that I didn't affirm Chris' greatness enough. I know I told all of you what a fantastic father and spouse he was but I wish I had taken more moments to let him know. I know he knew, but there is something in the act of conveying it personally that is sacred.
So, on April 1st, take time to affirm the ones you love. Highlight their greatness, show your appreciation for their efforts and convey your excitement about everything wonderful in their lives. There is power in this love.
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