Merry Christmas

I contemplated, Merry Christmas today and couldn't decide if the sentence needed to end with a question mark, exclamation point or a period. Perhaps an ellipsis would have been more situationally appropriate. I'm pretty sure I just made that word up. I am making up my life minute by minute so why not create my own language while I am at it?

The kids had a Merry Christmas! Owen 'slept in' until 7:3o. Maya came down the stairs moments after Owen, asking if Santa came and was much faster than me to the tree where she immediately started ripping stuff out of stockings. Oddly, she started with the Toy Story alien in Owen's stocking, not the Pillow Pet or Rapunzel Prince she had been asking for which were also in plain view. Funny girl. Christmas was glutenous. At one point my mom asked me what Chris would have thought which made me laugh. He would have thought I had lost my marbles letting the kids have so much stuff. He was always worried about our kids being spoiled or becoming 'the brats'. The funny thing is that I hardly bought anything. The presents were from family, friends, a local toy store owner who sponsored our Christmas (Yay Debbie at Rowdy Rascals) and even a few strangers who wanted to reach out to us on this major milestone on this journey. I thought about holding some of the gifts back for later use then thought f*** it. After all we have been through, we deserve some gluttony today. I did laugh, however, that after the onslaught of gifts Maya sat playing with Owen's Geotrax while Owen was playing with Maya's GloStation.

My Christmas was a Merry Christmas... Ms English teacher will have you know that the ellipsis serves several purposes one of which is to indicate a trailing off into silence. I suppose the crux of this situation is silence. Last night at my grandma's house, filled to the brim with aunts, uncles, cousins, I felt strangely silent. I watched my cousins' husband casually bend over to whisper something in her ear and felt the pang of jealousy. There is no one to casually share their whispered analysis of someone's comment or a wildly inappropriate comment into my ear. Instead, there is that strange buzzing in my ears akin to buzzing you hear after leaving a concert. My life with Chris was in surround sound. This life without him is like watching an action film on mute without my glasses on. I can sort of distinguish what's going on but not enough to really follow. So, instead of passing comments and touches, I sat thinking about how sad it was to sit alone and try to juggle the kids eating in two different places from me by myself. I digress. In the end, what that ellipsis indicates is a lack of spoiling for me. Yes, you read that correctly. I suppose I took for granted the man who knew what I needed, who create a 'limit' yet always spent twice what he intended and who put great thought, heart and gusto into gift giving. Don't get me wrong, I got some great gifts from my parents (i.e. a new Kitchenaid Mixer and Coffee Maker) but it was awkwardly sad to reach my first Chris-less Christmas. Now I sound like Dr. Seuss. I, did, however, receive two amazing gifts, both memorializing Chris. One was a beautiful frame with a quote I posted several weeks ago. The frame is on my dresser below my wedding picture. The second is a beautiful commemoration of Chris' love for us written by a friend's brother. I love them but wish more than anything I didn't have to be that person receiving these gifts. It is circular. I love them. I wonder why me. I feel bad for myself, for Chris, for the kids. I feel angry for feeling bad. I feel sad for feeling angry. I feel like not feeling for a few minutes so I pretend it's all ok. Then I start over with something else. In the end, I wish I had just one thing off the list I found last night that he had created; it contained ideas of what to get me for Christmas. It also made me sad that this is the first Christmas I did not buy him scratch tickets and boxers in the past 7 years. Instead I opened his drawers to momentarily look at his clothes. For a moment I could smell him, I could feel his skin, I could see the sparkle in those beautiful hazel eyes. And then it's gone again.

So, Merry Christmas. I am blessed to have my children and the support of wonderful people who love us and who love Chris. I am blessed to have spent 7 years with a man who loved me with passion and gusto and who was an amazing father to my children. I couldn't have asked for a better partner in crime. Merry Christmas, Christopher.