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It's 1 a.m. technically the morning after my first night flying solo though after would indicate I've slept which I have not. Six weeks and this is the first night I have spent alone in my house. I have been blessed with amazing people who have cushioned this fall for me, but it was time. Like a band aid, right? We have had six weeks to work through the initial shock and now it's time to transition to a new normal for us as a family. In my head I know that I should be sleeping...head on my pillow instead of sitting up in bed surfing the Internet. There is something accepting about going to sleep. It's not that I don't accept Chris is gone. I object to it fiercely but I accept that there is no going back once this cliff has been jumped. I'm scared tonight. Scared of the exhaustion that I am sure is going to set in now that we are headed back into a 'normal' routine where we don't have people helping us function in our daily tasks. I'm scared of how lonely this is going to feel when my husband doesn't come home to save me from the chaos at 4 p.m. . I'm scared that I will begin to feel more raw than I already do. I am giving myself a pep talk that it will be ok if things aren't always done....right?! My type A personality isn't really buying it quite yet. I think I'll make a list...then I will smile because I will be able to hear Chris mocking my list making self-soothing technique I use to reduce my anxiety.