December 17th 2010

One month.

My psychological standpoint is already out there.

My kids....

Owen is rolling with the punches, getting used to going to anyone who is around for what he wants or needs. He's taken his Uncle Brent up to see the light machine in his room, uses his signs to tell people he is hungry or thirsty and is happy to be held or played with by anyone who has stopped by to keep us company or lend a hand. He was needy, wanting to always be held the first week after Chris died. Now he's back to his contented self...happy and smiling. To see the normalcy in him is reassuring that I will find a normalcy in myself.

Maya...the situation has broken her heart. Chris was her best friend. She used wake up each morning and ask me , "Is daddy here?" Maya and Chris both lived for the weekend adventures we all had together. At first she was sad....sad, sad. She wanted him to come back from Heaven. She wanted to give him hug. She wanted to understand, and we all do, why he is gone and not with us. She talked about him in her sleep and became restless at night. She is easily upset by the most minor things...like a comment I made about a shirt that is getting to small. She cried and told me she didn't want the shirt to go away. Really, she has weathered this ugly storm well so far and is more even keel on most days and a roller coaster on others. Some days she is sad...others she is very matter of fact about her Daddy in Heaven and throws her Invisible String up to him. It breaks my heart that she has had this innocence taken from her at such a young age.

So what do I believe?

I wish I could offer a complete answer but 4 weeks in to this new life...I don't have the picture yet. I wish I could say more. I don't understand why my children are being required to live a life in which they will not be able to directly remember what an awesome daddy they had...I feel like it is such a great injustice to them and to him.

I love you Chris. It feels like 4 days you have been gone, not 4 weeks.