Yesterday grief decided to drown me. Today, I am trying not to let it fully encompass me as to swallow me whole. This is my song today, Lost in My Mind. Have you heard of The Head and the Heart? LOVE THEM!! Very much worth the listen...indie-pop-rock-folky sort of thing. For those of you living this grief thing along with me in any capacity, it is sort of like being lost in your mind, right?
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Fevers and Final Images
For some reason I am feeling like 'it's coming' though it is unidentifiable at this point and the arrival time has yet to be published.
Today Owen spiked a fever. Looking back, it was probably coming on when I had him at swim class. The poor guy isn't especially warm blooded but can make it through class cheery despite the blue lips (which totally freak me out these day). But today...not so much. By the end of class the poor lil man was trembling from the cool water. Of course, I didn't realize he had a fever for two more hours. Luckily it's someplace between 99 and 100 and he's not acting temperamental about it. I am holding out hope that it is a reaction to the DTaP vaccine he received yesterday and not an actual virus. My hope mostly stems from the fact he had a reaction in the form of a fever after his last DTaP vaccine. Of course, that fact doesn't explain Maya's complaint of a stomach ache today or her lack of appetite. Tonight I am praying for no 2 a.m. puking wake up call.
Since Chris died the kidlets have experienced an ongoing stream of common colds. Snotty noses, mild coughs, used tissues in all my pockets have become common place. It's the season for illness. We have not had a major blow to our immune systems in the form of fevers or throwing up, however, since Chris died and for some reason, it bothers me that it might be here. Maybe that is what 'it' is? Single parenthood sucks.
When Maya was almost 1 years old she got a virus that manifested itself with a high temperature, lack of appetite, lethargy, etc. For 5 days she refused to be put down in bed, on the floor, on the couch or anywhere not directly on top of one of us. I honestly just sat with her most days trying to get her to eat or drink, making sure her fever was being controlled and showering when Chris got home. At night she wouldn't sleep in her bed and wouldn't settle in ours so Chris and I took shifts with her on the couch, with her laying on our chest partially propped up. Chris would take 9 til midnight then I would send him to bed for 4 hours til his alarm went off. Ironically it was me that started singing Maya 'Three Little Birds' at this point, in the middle of the night, walking around the living room trying to get her to settle. Shortly after Chris picked it up as 'daddy's song' because it's the only song he said he knew every word to.
The realization that I am solo scares me because of instances like this. Even tonight with a mild fever and a stomach ache the three of us cuddled on the couch watching Alvin and the Chipmunks the Squeekquel because I couldn't hold one to snuggle and still play with the other who was feeling much better. Of course I sat there praying that all stomach contents stay in their respective places. I am terrified of puke!! Chris was terrified of blood. Luckily our kids really haven't puked much. Maybe that's why it scares me so much. Unfortunately, a split lip was common occurrance for Maya on a weekly basis for about two years. I am not exaggerating. For the first year, Chris would freak out about the blood. He finally got the hang of grabbing a cold wet wash cloth and letting her hold it to her lip until the bleeding stopped but it took awhile.
His fear of blood and his overreaction to injuries led to many conversations about who was more fit to respond during a real emergency. I was the obvious choice. In the end...I was the choice.
My final thought for the night is that I haven't been able to get the image of Chris when I first opened the bathroom door out of my head the past 3 days. When my mind starts to wander, that is what I see. If you spoke to me during the first week you know what I am seeing. I will spare the rest of you the details. I am not replaying the whole morning...just that specific moment. Truly I would like to banish that image forever, at the same time...it was just after that moment I touched his skin, his cheek, his lips, his chest for the last time. It's a push and pull of my subconscious to banish yet retain that final image.
Today Owen spiked a fever. Looking back, it was probably coming on when I had him at swim class. The poor guy isn't especially warm blooded but can make it through class cheery despite the blue lips (which totally freak me out these day). But today...not so much. By the end of class the poor lil man was trembling from the cool water. Of course, I didn't realize he had a fever for two more hours. Luckily it's someplace between 99 and 100 and he's not acting temperamental about it. I am holding out hope that it is a reaction to the DTaP vaccine he received yesterday and not an actual virus. My hope mostly stems from the fact he had a reaction in the form of a fever after his last DTaP vaccine. Of course, that fact doesn't explain Maya's complaint of a stomach ache today or her lack of appetite. Tonight I am praying for no 2 a.m. puking wake up call.
Since Chris died the kidlets have experienced an ongoing stream of common colds. Snotty noses, mild coughs, used tissues in all my pockets have become common place. It's the season for illness. We have not had a major blow to our immune systems in the form of fevers or throwing up, however, since Chris died and for some reason, it bothers me that it might be here. Maybe that is what 'it' is? Single parenthood sucks.
When Maya was almost 1 years old she got a virus that manifested itself with a high temperature, lack of appetite, lethargy, etc. For 5 days she refused to be put down in bed, on the floor, on the couch or anywhere not directly on top of one of us. I honestly just sat with her most days trying to get her to eat or drink, making sure her fever was being controlled and showering when Chris got home. At night she wouldn't sleep in her bed and wouldn't settle in ours so Chris and I took shifts with her on the couch, with her laying on our chest partially propped up. Chris would take 9 til midnight then I would send him to bed for 4 hours til his alarm went off. Ironically it was me that started singing Maya 'Three Little Birds' at this point, in the middle of the night, walking around the living room trying to get her to settle. Shortly after Chris picked it up as 'daddy's song' because it's the only song he said he knew every word to.
The realization that I am solo scares me because of instances like this. Even tonight with a mild fever and a stomach ache the three of us cuddled on the couch watching Alvin and the Chipmunks the Squeekquel because I couldn't hold one to snuggle and still play with the other who was feeling much better. Of course I sat there praying that all stomach contents stay in their respective places. I am terrified of puke!! Chris was terrified of blood. Luckily our kids really haven't puked much. Maybe that's why it scares me so much. Unfortunately, a split lip was common occurrance for Maya on a weekly basis for about two years. I am not exaggerating. For the first year, Chris would freak out about the blood. He finally got the hang of grabbing a cold wet wash cloth and letting her hold it to her lip until the bleeding stopped but it took awhile.
His fear of blood and his overreaction to injuries led to many conversations about who was more fit to respond during a real emergency. I was the obvious choice. In the end...I was the choice.
My final thought for the night is that I haven't been able to get the image of Chris when I first opened the bathroom door out of my head the past 3 days. When my mind starts to wander, that is what I see. If you spoke to me during the first week you know what I am seeing. I will spare the rest of you the details. I am not replaying the whole morning...just that specific moment. Truly I would like to banish that image forever, at the same time...it was just after that moment I touched his skin, his cheek, his lips, his chest for the last time. It's a push and pull of my subconscious to banish yet retain that final image.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Other Stuff
A couple side notes from today that I couldn't find a place for in my other post:
1. Owen is 33.5 inches and 27 lbs 9.5 oz.
2. He didn't cry when he got his shot...at all though he flinched and made a sad face.
3. Owen has PEED ON THE POTTY 3 times in the past 2 days.
4. Maya remembered Chris taking her on a 'date' to Haggen to have Mac n Cheese when we drove by the store.
5. I have people I know intimately as well as acquaintances bringing me meals and I LOVE YOU ALL for helping me out. I feel a bit like a loser needing help...no worries I try to only let it be a fleeting thought.
6. Owen's language skills are not lacking quite as much as I thought they were...in fact not at all according to the doctor.
7. It's so sunny that I realized I need to really scrub my windows.
8. Widowhood is slightly like a midlife crisis. Today I offed to go skinny dipping in Green Lake with a friend.
1. Owen is 33.5 inches and 27 lbs 9.5 oz.
2. He didn't cry when he got his shot...at all though he flinched and made a sad face.
3. Owen has PEED ON THE POTTY 3 times in the past 2 days.
4. Maya remembered Chris taking her on a 'date' to Haggen to have Mac n Cheese when we drove by the store.
5. I have people I know intimately as well as acquaintances bringing me meals and I LOVE YOU ALL for helping me out. I feel a bit like a loser needing help...no worries I try to only let it be a fleeting thought.
6. Owen's language skills are not lacking quite as much as I thought they were...in fact not at all according to the doctor.
7. It's so sunny that I realized I need to really scrub my windows.
8. Widowhood is slightly like a midlife crisis. Today I offed to go skinny dipping in Green Lake with a friend.
A Hot Mess
Last night I had another dream....
Chris and I were going on vacation. My sister was there as well as Chris' brother and my sister in law, though I never actually saw her. Tori, Chris and I were in a car on our way to a hotel when I told him I was going to need a break from our relationship. He agreed and we checked in to separate rooms. Suddenly it was 3 days later and I was riding a bike with my sister down the road in some town when we ran across Chris who was also riding a bike. He rode back with us. As we approached a crosswalk and stopped to wait for the light to change, I turned and told him I was done with our separation and loved him. He smiled and told me he had met someone else and they were in love. He told me the person, whose name I will not publish here, but will say though I've known her since the 7th grade she was always more of an acquaintance than a friend. She lives nearby now and I run into her occasionally but Chris had never met her.
Back to the dream. We were suddenly in my Highlander but my sister was driving. Chris was in the back seat and I was arguing with him about the implausibility of falling in love in 3 days with a total stranger. Tori kept turning up the radio to drown us out which was annoying me. We suddenly stopped at a duplex and let Chris out and drove on.
Again I was suddenly in the back seat and Tori was no longer driving but an unknown black woman. My brother in law was in the front seat and it was clear my sister in law had left him but he wanted to go back. We arrived at a walk on ferry where they let me out and I was swallowed up by the crowd...then I woke up.
Back in reality it was 6:17 a.m. and Owen was screaming...with a lovely blow out diaper to greet me.
This afternoon (complete non sequitur) Owen had his 18 month appointment. I was prepared to talk about Chris and his cause of death since we had not been there since the day Chris died. I did and it was tolerable because I had prepared myself for those moments. Buckling up the kids, I took one last look at the stats sheet the nurse had given me on my way out and wondered, who am I supposed to share this with? I know lots of people love my kids but nobody loves them as much as Chris and I do. I was thinking about this and feeling the stink of tears as I started the car and on the radio came a song sent to me by Chris' best friend a couple days ago. I saw the link on my phone but hadn't listened to it until last night when I played it 3 times and cried. Chris would have loved this band. I cried all the way home thinking about Chris and how much he loved our kids.
This post seems to be a rambling mess in terms of its structure but I suppose it reflects what is actually going on in my life especially the fact that the past few days I have felt like a hot mess.
Chris and I were going on vacation. My sister was there as well as Chris' brother and my sister in law, though I never actually saw her. Tori, Chris and I were in a car on our way to a hotel when I told him I was going to need a break from our relationship. He agreed and we checked in to separate rooms. Suddenly it was 3 days later and I was riding a bike with my sister down the road in some town when we ran across Chris who was also riding a bike. He rode back with us. As we approached a crosswalk and stopped to wait for the light to change, I turned and told him I was done with our separation and loved him. He smiled and told me he had met someone else and they were in love. He told me the person, whose name I will not publish here, but will say though I've known her since the 7th grade she was always more of an acquaintance than a friend. She lives nearby now and I run into her occasionally but Chris had never met her.
Back to the dream. We were suddenly in my Highlander but my sister was driving. Chris was in the back seat and I was arguing with him about the implausibility of falling in love in 3 days with a total stranger. Tori kept turning up the radio to drown us out which was annoying me. We suddenly stopped at a duplex and let Chris out and drove on.
Again I was suddenly in the back seat and Tori was no longer driving but an unknown black woman. My brother in law was in the front seat and it was clear my sister in law had left him but he wanted to go back. We arrived at a walk on ferry where they let me out and I was swallowed up by the crowd...then I woke up.
Back in reality it was 6:17 a.m. and Owen was screaming...with a lovely blow out diaper to greet me.
This afternoon (complete non sequitur) Owen had his 18 month appointment. I was prepared to talk about Chris and his cause of death since we had not been there since the day Chris died. I did and it was tolerable because I had prepared myself for those moments. Buckling up the kids, I took one last look at the stats sheet the nurse had given me on my way out and wondered, who am I supposed to share this with? I know lots of people love my kids but nobody loves them as much as Chris and I do. I was thinking about this and feeling the stink of tears as I started the car and on the radio came a song sent to me by Chris' best friend a couple days ago. I saw the link on my phone but hadn't listened to it until last night when I played it 3 times and cried. Chris would have loved this band. I cried all the way home thinking about Chris and how much he loved our kids.
This post seems to be a rambling mess in terms of its structure but I suppose it reflects what is actually going on in my life especially the fact that the past few days I have felt like a hot mess.
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