Love Songs and Manipulation

Several funny things happened today.  All day long I kept thinking "I am going to write this on my blog, it's normal, I need to remember."  Instead it's 9:50 p.m. and I have no idea what those funny things are.  They were swallowed up by my lack of brain space.  Where the heck did all that brain space go?

I do remember, however, that Owen said "Bye bye Brody" tonight.  The kid who refuses to say words!  OK, it sounded more like "Bye ie Body" but it's close and I am one proud momma because there is hope he will stop grunting and yelling at me.

The other thing I remember?  My IPOD.  Why has this thing become my nemesis?  Dinner was simmering and I was building a block tower with Owen when Lucky by Jason Mraz with Colbie Caillat came on.  Nice love song.  Made me think of my best friend.  Then a fleeting thought...can I still listen to love songs?  Is someone still out there who loves me as much as I still love him?  Where the heck did he go?  My faith is being tried.  That is an understatement. 

Of course, a short while later, Maya came running in to tell me "Mommy, your wedded song is on!"  And it was.  At Last by Etta Jones.  It was not Chris' top choice.  In all actuality he would have passed on the first dance all together if he had been given more of a choice.  But, you know how it goes.  He smiled and agreed.  Then smiled and agreed again when I changed my mind on every wedding detail.  He just wanted to say "I Do" then leave for the honeymoon on Maui.  I suppose I'm lucky he agreed to the reception at all.  Back to the song.  Maya grabbed her friend Addison who was visiting, and they danced.  I watched and thought about how carefree they are.  I felt that way 5 1/2 years ago.  I guess it's a good thing we don't really know what is coming on the road ahead.  

Now, I am sitting here watching the movie Funny People.  Seth Rogan's character just played "Three Little Birds" for Adam Sandler's character followed up by "Time of My Life" then "Keep Me in Your Heart For Awhile."  This is a sad movie.  I didn't read the cover.  I thought, "oh funny, ok."  Naive.  Maybe you don't know how often Chris was asked if he knew he looked like Adam Sandler.  It drove him nuts and made me laugh hysterically.  If you have read my blog at all in the past 7 weeks, you know the significance of the Bob Marley song.  The Dirty Dancing song?  I came home one day to find Chris watching Dirty Dancing.  Ha!  I don't know where I was but he had put the kids in bed and sat down to watch tv...and got sucked in.  He admitted he had not seen the movie before and loved it.  Finally, I had not heard the last song before.  It was fitting.  These lines spoke to me:

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

But here I am thinking, what does one do with a broken heart?  Everyone keeps telling me to give it time.  I don't think time will heal my broken heart.  I have a feeling I will just become accustomed to the pain.  The edges will soften but the reality will be the same. 

That brings me to one final subject.  Manipulation.  I wish I could report that I have found a way to manipulate 'death.'  Alas, aside from crying, praying and flat out begging.  Apparently what's done is done.  Excuse my irreverent sarcasm.  

Manipulation + Chris' death + 3 1/2 year old + fake crying = frazzled mommy

Holy cow.  It started last week.  I thought Maya was legitimately sad.  So I laid with her at bed time until she was fast asleep.  After a few nights she started the fake cry and I thought...oh crap.  Sure enough I am quite certain Maya is manipulating me to get more snuggle time.  However, it is some place I need to tread quite gently.  She is heart broken.  The overwhelming fact of the matter is that she is 3 1/2 and wants me to stay with her until she falls asleep.  I just wish the manipulation wasn't about Chris; that just stings.

I gave myself a few days of reprieve from writing then tonight couldn't figure out where to start.  I spent too much time trying to remember the 'normal' events today to report.  In the end, my life is anything but normal.  I love my babies.  They make me smile and laugh.  But, I miss Chris.  At night I go to bed wondering if my ears will always ring from the silence or if I will grow more accustomed to it as time marches on. 

A Pocketful of Memories

The slog of putting words to my emotions was getting to be too much today. My words are painful for you to read; they are equally as painful for me. I read my post from last night, cried, then decided today is about pictures. After preschool Maya climbed into the car and picked up the picture of Chris she left in there several weeks ago and gave him a big kiss. So today, I look at my pictures and remember the man I love..here's a big cyber kiss babe.

Lil' Chris and his brothers

Two things Chris always talked about in regard to growing up in Skykomish...fishing and basketball.

To Cheryl I owe my eternal gratitude and she knows why.


One of our first pictures taken together...November 2003. Ironically taken in the same hall I rented for his Life Celebration.

November 2004...trip of a life time

I Do's and First Dances.... April 2005

Maui Honeymoon

A trip to Paris (Dec 2006)and Chris with 'his girl' Cally

The birth of Chris' baby girl, Maya Elizabeth, April 24, 2007


Memories with Maya



A baby boy, Owen Michael, July 18, 2009.

Everyone in a seat, September 2009

November 2009, December 2009, April 2010

Summer Fun, 2010



Brent & Chris, July 2010



Fall 2010


What normal used to look like....



Last, a video. My heart can feel his spirit when I hear this laugh.

Runaway Train

By noon I had a raging headache. The funny thing was that I got more sleep last night than I had in awhile.

It started with an early Owen 'wake up call' at 6:20 a.m. Zzzzzzzzzz. That was followed up by a sleepy Maya who wanted to go to the gym so she could play with Addie but was too sleepy to get motivated to help get herself ready. We made it to the gym though not as early as I wanted because the car was encased in frost. Of course I was supposed to get there early so I could reactivate my account which had been on hold during the absence since Chris' death. In a big line of people, I frazzled the man with my request though he figured out a solution which still allowed me to make it to Zumba.

I was anxious about the gym but I love the class. Owen screamed when I put him down and I needed to remind the childcare workers of 'our situation' in case anything came up. Owen recovered quickly but then I walked in to find a substitute Zumba teacher. After being lost for 55 minutes, one of the childcare workers came in to get my friend because her daughter was upset because mine was playing with Owen and not her. Man, that breaks my heart. We both went back and indeed Maya was playing with Owen. Big deal? Not tremendously but I don't like seeing Addison with her feelings hurt and I was already on edge. Oh, did I mention the sun was reflecting off the court and giving me a headache during Zumba? Of course once out at the membership desk again I had to explain why I had 6 months free...then as I pulled out of the driveway Maya asked why I told the lady my husband died. Because...he did. He's dead. As much as I know this is my reality, I seem to have to remind myself I will never have another conversation with him while I am on this Earth. It's like taking a hot poker to myself.

On the way home, I cried. I don't want Maya to become 'that' kid but I cannot for the life of me figure out where to draw the line. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, treat her patiently but at the same time...I want us to come out of this without Maya having become a brat. I am overwhelmed by trying to navigate this alone. I kept thinking that in our 'normal' life I would have called to vent to Chris on the way home and he would have reassured me that it will be fine. He would have offered to take the kids so I could get a break when he got home. He would have had an idea about what to do. But in our 'normal' life Chris wasn't dead. In this abnormal life I am flying solo and calling the shots. You'd think my type A personality would love that part but actually, I loathe it.

I got a shower with Owen banging on the door followed up by Maya's insistence to have Oatmeal for lunch which I conceded to since it just seemed to go with the territory today.

Maya was exhausted so I made her lay down with me and my excruciating headache. I pulled out a book called Samantha Jane's Missing Smile. Now Maya had been asking about Chris all last night last and all day today. She wanted him home, she wanted to talk to him, she wanted to hug him.... No matter what I said or didn't say she kept right on going. It became a whine. It's at that point I started to crack a little. Thus I pulled out the book, a story about a girl whose daddy dies...fitting. Maya murmured in agreement during the book and asked questions about the girl's daddy and her own. She connected. Bittersweet. In moment like this I think, this sucks. This shouldn't be us. But then again, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

So, what's the big deal? All the minuscule events but, combined, exhausted me physically and emotionally. It overwhelmed me thinking about never having the reprieve of my spouse, my partner, my companion. He got me.

I miss the sound of Chris' Hermanson van pulling into the driveway at 4 p.m. If I could return to our 'normal' life, he could work nights every day until we are old and gray. I hated when he worked nights. I was lonely and didn't like sleeping at the house alone. Now, that is all small stuff. I mind the loneliness but I just miss him. Plain and simple.

At bed time Maya was back at the questions. She wanted to read the book again but this time we talked about some of the fun things she used to do with her daddy. I don't know if it's good or bad. At one point she told me she wanted to go to heaven with daddy. I totally get it. I have had moments I thought, why couldn't we have all gone at once? Nobody left to feel the emptiness in our home or question the feelings of anger and abandonment. Or, like I do, question the guilt in why I wasn't alarmed by the thud or how I feel like I let our friends and family down by not being the hero that Wednesday morning. If only it were all so easily rewritten like a 'choose your own adventure' book where you could go back and choose a new path if you didn't like where yours was going.

I hate where mine is going. It feels strangely akin to a runaway train.

Hasty Decisions

Maya was begging for a sleepover at grandma's though the last time I conceded and told her she could, she decided she didn't want to sleep any place but her princess bed. Ok, she wasn't ready.

Yesterday she was talking about it again so I offered and she took it. In the end, both kiddos went with grandma and grandpa though perhaps I didn't think that through. What does a widow do at home by herself for 20 hours?

I started my time alone cleaning up some of the garbage in the bathroom currently undergoing renovation. Then I decided to put away the remaining items that had been stored in a bin since the Life Tribute for Chris. There really wasn't much left just a few odds and ends I hadn't either put back where it goes or found a new home for. It feels weird to put his stuff away like there is some sort of hanging question out there about why... I emptied my laundry basket but then as I was lifting my sweaters out I realized underneath was the remaining clothes from Chris' laundry basket I finally broke down and washed. We had started on the giant pile...and then I lost it and made my mom stop. It felt like washing away the last remaining particles of him on this Earth. I put his shorts, shirts and jeans back into their respective spots and looked at the socks neatly folded one into the other at the bottom. Chris didn't fold his socks like that. I unfolded them...then folded them the way he liked and put them back into his sock drawer, the same drawer he had been keeping the Christmas money in we were saving up. Most of this money instead went into the bathroom. What am I supposed to do with all of his clothes?

In a book I read about grieving children it talked about walking a fine line with the deceased parent's belongings. Obviously we all want reminders that he was real, he was here, his body occupied the spaces that we move through. However, it warned that smaller children, like mine, may interpret it as a sign the deceased parent is going to return. I haven't gotten rid of anything though some of his coats that were in the front closet are now in his bedroom closet. His toothbrush is still in the holder despite being in a bag in my closet for the remodel. This afternoon I threw away some of the shampoos that were in the shower when he died. Maybe you didn't know; he died in the shower thus all the drama about my bathroom.

I digress. I decided to leave at about 5 p.m. Stopped at Home Depot to buy a new mirror for the bathroom then I drove. I wanted to go to Sam's Sushi in Ballard. Chris and I ate there once a week while we lived in Ballard. We would walk down to Sam's and sit for hours, eating and drinking green tea. I wanted to go. I even got onto 520 headed into Seattle but then I took a turn for the worse. By the time I got to I-5 the realization of it all hit me and I cried until I reached Everett driving right past the 45th street exit I was originally going to take. In the end I stopped at Haggen to grab some food then off for a movie and back to my safe haven. It seems like some widows function better when they are not home. I suppose I feel like this is where our life was. The memories here are not quite as wicked and raw. While driving down I-5 I think of Chris' daily drive to work, as I crossed the 520 bridge and spotted Husky Stadium I thought of the seasons tickets he had the year we met and as I spotted the skyscrapers of downtown Seattle I thought of Maya building Mega Blocks towers with Chris...always building the towers Chris worked in. I kept looking down at the picture of Chris in the cup holder. Maya brought it out to the car 4 weeks ago to kiss and talk to and it has stayed there ever since.

The silence was waiting for me when I got home but it wasn't quite as frightening as I expected it would be. Well, at least it was silent after the dog stopped barking at me. She and I settled in, and I realized that the elephant that had been on my chest had found another home at some point between Haggen and home. I suppose I am not ready for the world quite yet so I will just continue to let the world come to me.