Love and Admiration

Saturday night was rough.

Shaun was at drill for the weekend and out in the hills of Yakima cell reception is scarce.  The lonely days of single parenting catch up to me quickly. 

I had these pangs.  I miss Chris. 

I am not sure what started it.  Maybe an email I had been thinking about for over a week.  I knew what his response would be to it.  Truly I should have "listened" to him.  I didn't, but that's another issue.

I sat that night thinking about Jeremiah.

Last Monday I brought Owen to Maya's swim lesson which I don't often do since he wants to swim so badly, I feel like it's cruel.  Owen spotted his uncle sitting around the corner and off he went to see him.  I'm not sure what exactly causes the tears to well up when I see the two of them together...maybe it's the similarities the brothers have, maybe it's that this is the closest biological connection Owen has to his dad, maybe it's the pain I see in Jer's eyes.

Saturday night I thought about how much Chris loved and admired Jer.  He was his friend and his brother.  I've never known how to convey this but I have a feeling of urgency about it.   

The second year, almost half way through.  Some things are difficult to face...

I was looking through pictures with Maya and saw a picture I took of Chris' van the day his coworkers came to get it.  I can hardly remember it being in our driveway or the way it sounded when he back it in. 

Yet, every morning as I shower the scene replays in my mind as if it just happened.  It's the cruel aspect of a traumatic experience.  At times it overwhelms the happier moments to make itself known in very ugly ways.

Moving forward there is so much happiness and love yet the pain is excruciating.  There is so much to communicate, talk through, overthink ... and sometimes it just isn't as reality driven as you think.  But it's life as I know it.

Shaun and I talk frequently about the complications our life entails, there are so many aspects to wrap our heads around and three little people on three different paths because of two separate events that need the guidance and love of so many.

At the end of the day, I look into their faces and see the reality of it all.  They love and are being loved fiercely and truly love is what makes this ride worthwhile.