The journey

Widowhood has caused me to become easily impacted by the feelings and opinions of others.

It started in the fog of the early days.  I couldn't make a decision or think a process all the way through.  A month after Chris' death I could hardly find my way all the way through making dinner.  I longed for the ability to perform normal, ever day mundane tasks without feeling physically and mentally overwhelmed by the complexity of things such as the vacuum.

So many people are impacted by death in vastly different ways.  The unfortunate yet fortunate nature of grief is that we all experience it differently thus trying to comprehend another on their journey is difficult.

I've spent much time examining my life, my decisions, my children, my ability to love.

I've spent much time defending my life, my decisions, my children, my ability to love.

It's my impression that it's difficult to understand my ability to move forward, to put one foot in front of the other, to find grief in the midst of all the pain.  It's difficult to build love in the midst of pain.  It was incomprehensible when I realized perhaps I had found love.  I didn't understand how that could be.  Making a connection so deeply with a stranger always feels unlikely, impossible. 

Love finds us in different ways.

Chris was a long sought after love.  I had searched for him and given up, until one day...he was there.

Shaun is a love who fell into my life in an unexpected fashion...and there he was filled with love for me in my imperfect state, for my pain and its longevity, for my children and for my journey in all of its complexities. 

When all is said and done, nobody has the true ability understand another's journey but we have the ability to respect it. 

I'm tired of defending mine.