As I am accustomed to, we have many deep conversations doing every day mundane activities.
The other day I was out pushing the kids on the swings when Maya began talking about my and Shaun's upcoming wedding after asking why grandma and papa don't spend the night anymore. (They stayed for over a month after Chris died). I went on to explain I needed a lot of help then because I was very sad and had two kids who needed lots of love. She went on to comment on my "other husband" dying. She then chattered on and I listened intently, always trying to monitor where her thoughts have been and where they are going so I can help her navigate the road only to be suddenly stopped in my tracks.
"And Chris is going to have a new family too."
Huh?
I simply said, "What, sweetie?" attempting to swallow back the tears in my voice.
"Chris is going to get married to and have a new family too."
"Chris, your daddy?"
"Yup!"
My heart skipped a beat, sweat beads appeared on my forehead and my voice caught in my throat.
"Maya, we are his family, even if he isn't here. He isn't going to get married to anyone else in heaven or have any more kids. You are the lucky ones. He's still your daddy and you're still his daughter no matter where he is...even in heaven. Daddy's life in heave isn't like our life here."
It was silent and I tried to catch a peak of her face as she swung back and forth in front of me. I'd like to say I saw relief, but I couldn't catch a look long enough.
"Oh. Will you push me super high?"
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
April 9th
Today, seven years ago, I married Chris at the Hollywood Schoolhouse in Woodinville.
I watched him, flushed from nervousness as I prayed he wouldn't faint. He hated being the center of attention.
Seven years ago began an amazing, crazy, unimaginable journey. It was an adventure I thought would take me from wedding to wife then onto motherhood and into middle age. I had a journey in mind. My path was clearly laid before me. Together we had enormous dreams and we set out to accomplish them.
Today it's difficult to put into words my feelings. I listened to this song and I smiled... it reminds me of Chris' attitude about life.
We played this song after Chris' service. I still love the idea that he is over the rainbow, thinking about what a wonderful life it was. Chris was so light hearted; it's what first attracted me to him. He loved so easily and had an enormous heart. Ok, now I'm crying. That wasn't the plan. I think it perhaps was a little too brave to open that song to play in another window.
Today I stopped frequently to mentally pen what I might say about this day and what it meant to me. I seem to have lost all eloquence.
Seven year ago it was the beginning of a wonderful journey. Six years ago it was the beginning of parenthood...ok so not human parents but doggy parents. Five year ago I was on the verge of having our first child and we were so nervous. Four years ago we couldn't believe we had a one year old and tried to celebrate at a B&B on Orcas only for Chris to fall ill with a high fever for the weekend. Three years ago I was pregnant with our son, completing our family. Two years ago I was registering Maya for preschool and looking at Owen's first birthday coming up and we celebrated with a weekend in Seattle. One year ago I couldn't believe my loss, devastation and I was even shocked at my ability to move forward, one step at a time.
The other night I was reminded of what a great laugh Chris had when Maya wanted to see our old videos. I love both of these following videos. They remind me of our happiness. They remind me of how much he loved those kids and most of all they remind me that my life was real and not this blur of a memory, as if it passed way to quickly to really ingest the gravity of the little moments.
Tonight, on the seventh anniversary of the day we married...I raise my glass to an amazing guy, one whom I was proud to share my life with and who lead me on so many of my greatest adventures in life thus far. Rest peacefully.
I watched him, flushed from nervousness as I prayed he wouldn't faint. He hated being the center of attention.
Seven years ago began an amazing, crazy, unimaginable journey. It was an adventure I thought would take me from wedding to wife then onto motherhood and into middle age. I had a journey in mind. My path was clearly laid before me. Together we had enormous dreams and we set out to accomplish them.
Today it's difficult to put into words my feelings. I listened to this song and I smiled... it reminds me of Chris' attitude about life.
We played this song after Chris' service. I still love the idea that he is over the rainbow, thinking about what a wonderful life it was. Chris was so light hearted; it's what first attracted me to him. He loved so easily and had an enormous heart. Ok, now I'm crying. That wasn't the plan. I think it perhaps was a little too brave to open that song to play in another window.
Today I stopped frequently to mentally pen what I might say about this day and what it meant to me. I seem to have lost all eloquence.
Seven year ago it was the beginning of a wonderful journey. Six years ago it was the beginning of parenthood...ok so not human parents but doggy parents. Five year ago I was on the verge of having our first child and we were so nervous. Four years ago we couldn't believe we had a one year old and tried to celebrate at a B&B on Orcas only for Chris to fall ill with a high fever for the weekend. Three years ago I was pregnant with our son, completing our family. Two years ago I was registering Maya for preschool and looking at Owen's first birthday coming up and we celebrated with a weekend in Seattle. One year ago I couldn't believe my loss, devastation and I was even shocked at my ability to move forward, one step at a time.
The other night I was reminded of what a great laugh Chris had when Maya wanted to see our old videos. I love both of these following videos. They remind me of our happiness. They remind me of how much he loved those kids and most of all they remind me that my life was real and not this blur of a memory, as if it passed way to quickly to really ingest the gravity of the little moments.
Tonight, on the seventh anniversary of the day we married...I raise my glass to an amazing guy, one whom I was proud to share my life with and who lead me on so many of my greatest adventures in life thus far. Rest peacefully.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Videos
Maya reminded me of the "Blanket Boy" video that Chris recorded about a month before his death. She used to watch is quite often.
She wanted to watch it so me, Maya and Owen snuggled into the big computer chair and watched old videos for a half hour and even ended listening to Chris' voicemail message I recorded.
"Can daddy come back some day?"
Tears...and the to Maya that death is permanent.
Oh yeah....she says. I love daddy. {smile}
She wanted to watch it so me, Maya and Owen snuggled into the big computer chair and watched old videos for a half hour and even ended listening to Chris' voicemail message I recorded.
"Can daddy come back some day?"
Tears...and the to Maya that death is permanent.
Oh yeah....she says. I love daddy. {smile}
Where is he?
Where is he? That's such a good question.
It would be fine if it was just a question circulating my mind. Instead, as I was looking at a picture of Chris, whom Owen has taken to calling "daddy Chris" he asked that question...Where is he? In heaven was my answer.
Puzzled look...tiny smile, a kiss good night.
He doesn't get it.
I've been encouraging the distinction of daddy Chris because I think Owen needs more information. His mind is uber inquisitive and he wants to know everything. I love it. However, it's a painful moment. I also want the definition because Owen is becoming more accustomed to calling Shaun, daddy when Riley is here. His understanding of parental titles is somewhat fluid.
So there it is. The moment he asked. It was hard, not in the ugly cry sort of way but in the heart ache sort of way.
It would be fine if it was just a question circulating my mind. Instead, as I was looking at a picture of Chris, whom Owen has taken to calling "daddy Chris" he asked that question...Where is he? In heaven was my answer.
Puzzled look...tiny smile, a kiss good night.
He doesn't get it.
I've been encouraging the distinction of daddy Chris because I think Owen needs more information. His mind is uber inquisitive and he wants to know everything. I love it. However, it's a painful moment. I also want the definition because Owen is becoming more accustomed to calling Shaun, daddy when Riley is here. His understanding of parental titles is somewhat fluid.
So there it is. The moment he asked. It was hard, not in the ugly cry sort of way but in the heart ache sort of way.
How Does She Do It?
Usually you can find me fluttering about my home, June Cleaver style, in my dress and heels working patiently to keep my home, my man and my kids happy.
Or you will find me trying to convince my 2 1/2 year old son to put his underwear back on and he runs around me making comments about his penis and the poop he left in the toilet.
Maybe you will find me cleaning poop out of my other 2 1/2 year old's underwear...she is taking less kindly to potty training now.
Perhaps instead you will find me discussing poop with my almost 5 year old who has been struggling with painful constipation which is only recently undercontrol.
I'm pretty sure June Cleaver didn't talk about poop as much as I do. I spend an exorbitant amount of time in the bathroom, wiping little bootys, plunging toilets, discussing the goings on of the rectum. It's a glamorous life, really, mostly done in my yoga pants and sweatshirt sans the heels.
Ok, that's not what I intended to write about but as I opened the window to blog, my son was refusing to retrieve his underwear from the bathroom.
What's on my mind? How to love again.
It's such a difficult subject to explain. Love the first time...sans kids, sans dogs, sans house and the weight of being widowed is a far different experience than love filled with the adventure of kids, dogs, house, families, ex wives, and all the extended family and friends involved.
I suppose I should explain, I wasn't looking for love. I wasn't even positive my heart was open to it. I was lonely and looking for a little adventure, maybe a date, maybe a few dates, maybe a disaster and the realization I wasn't ready. Instead I found Shaun. He wasn't sure he was ready to date either, ha! He was going to go on a date before he left for 3 weeks but we had to cancel at the last minute. Instead I found a friend then a love... we talked, emailed and texted for 3 weeks before our first in person encounter and it was a total of 4 weeks before he was home. It was a different whirlwind adventure which I loved.
The reality of love the second time, in our situation is there is drama, ha! It's taught us to be patient, understanding and we realized very, very early on that our communication skills needed to be strong. Our life entails a plethora of entities ranging from ourselves to ex families to late families to those we aren't related to at all. At the end of the day...there is love. The willingness to work because Lord knows this ain't easy, and the willingness to look out for ourselves, our loved ones, our hearts and especially our kids.
Or you will find me trying to convince my 2 1/2 year old son to put his underwear back on and he runs around me making comments about his penis and the poop he left in the toilet.
Maybe you will find me cleaning poop out of my other 2 1/2 year old's underwear...she is taking less kindly to potty training now.
Perhaps instead you will find me discussing poop with my almost 5 year old who has been struggling with painful constipation which is only recently undercontrol.
I'm pretty sure June Cleaver didn't talk about poop as much as I do. I spend an exorbitant amount of time in the bathroom, wiping little bootys, plunging toilets, discussing the goings on of the rectum. It's a glamorous life, really, mostly done in my yoga pants and sweatshirt sans the heels.
Ok, that's not what I intended to write about but as I opened the window to blog, my son was refusing to retrieve his underwear from the bathroom.
What's on my mind? How to love again.
It's such a difficult subject to explain. Love the first time...sans kids, sans dogs, sans house and the weight of being widowed is a far different experience than love filled with the adventure of kids, dogs, house, families, ex wives, and all the extended family and friends involved.
I suppose I should explain, I wasn't looking for love. I wasn't even positive my heart was open to it. I was lonely and looking for a little adventure, maybe a date, maybe a few dates, maybe a disaster and the realization I wasn't ready. Instead I found Shaun. He wasn't sure he was ready to date either, ha! He was going to go on a date before he left for 3 weeks but we had to cancel at the last minute. Instead I found a friend then a love... we talked, emailed and texted for 3 weeks before our first in person encounter and it was a total of 4 weeks before he was home. It was a different whirlwind adventure which I loved.
The reality of love the second time, in our situation is there is drama, ha! It's taught us to be patient, understanding and we realized very, very early on that our communication skills needed to be strong. Our life entails a plethora of entities ranging from ourselves to ex families to late families to those we aren't related to at all. At the end of the day...there is love. The willingness to work because Lord knows this ain't easy, and the willingness to look out for ourselves, our loved ones, our hearts and especially our kids.
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