Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Details

The sheer number of emails and text messages I have received about about the new man in my life floored me.  However, it really shouldn't have given the fact I have written so openly about my life since Chris died and know that so many closely follow our journey through this world so of course you would be curious. I've been an open book which begs the question, why not now?

When Chris died my life became this open book.  To answer the bombardment of questions, I began writing about it all.  It was amazingly cathartic despite the overwhelming loss of privacy.  The loss of privacy was healing and continues to be.  I never feel like I take a step alone.  On the nights I would write about the 'ugly' cry at 2 a.m. I would almost immediately receive a text or email from someone who had just read about it and wanted to send their love my way.  The response was immediate and reassuring.  Grief strips you of privacy in the same way that childbirth does.  There is no hiding the rawness and reality of it all. 

Now, for the first time in many months, I had something that was my secret and I wanted to keep it that way.  Of course, I couldn't help but leak a few details.  He's too amazing not to.

So here's what you need to know.  He is amazingly sweet, and kind and thoughtful.  He is funny and goofy and adorable.  He is enamored by his almost 2 year old daughter.  He is intelligent, hard working and well spoken.  He's got beautiful eyes that are hard to look away from and he is even more gorgeous in person than in any picture

In 4 days he comes back from training and I am sure you then will hear more about him.  Until you meet him, you'll just have to take my word about how fantastic he is.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Total Bombshell


I know it was a bombshell.  A few of you knew, but I had been enjoying my secret.  For once something in my life was just mine and it was happy and I loved it!  For once I wasn't hiding pain and sadness and it was such a welcome relief I almost didn't want to share. 

But I outed myself; he's too wonderful not to share at least a little about.  I have a boyfriend though the word seems to apply to 15 year old high school students and not my life.

I had contemplated dating again back in April but had spoken the words aloud to very few.  The reactions I got were slightly questionable which made me wonder if I was insane.  But here's the deal.  Widowhood is an in-your-face sort of experience.  I feel like I am and have always faced it head on.  At times it has kicked my ass but I finally arrived at a place of peace.  So, I stepped up to the plate...or the website.  I know, I know.  What is the world coming to?

It was one those surreal moments like picking the petals off a daisy, wondering if you're in or out?

I won't divulge too many details, but I was in.  

A week after we started emailing, texting and talking on the phone he left for training 3 hours away.  At first I thought, oh well...he was nice.  Instead it lead to about 5,000 text messages...and counting since he isn't home for 4 more days.  I did, however, get to go see him last Saturday....

I wasn't expecting this.  I'm reading this book called Sing You Home and in it this girl talks about her counselor working her way into her troubled life.  Ok, so the scenario is very different BUT her words are applicable.  She said "She kind of crept up on me.  But...not like in a bad way.  Like when you're standing on the beach right down by the ocean, and you think you've got a handle on it, and then when you look down again you've sunk so far that the water's up to your hips.  And before you can get freaked out, you realize you actually don't mind going swimming."  That's how this is.

Instead of overwhelming anxiety about meeting him, there was peace and I realized it was not just good, it was awesome.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.  -Maya Angelou

So I am not young but I'm trying to kick ass in this world.  Several months ago I decided it was about time to take control of my life again and find my own happiness.  Life had been happening to me which is not a pleasant experience and is extremely disheartening.  I decided I was ready but I was cautious about the kids and I wasn't sure if those in my life were as ready as I was, so I put it on the back burner.  


I was worried.  I swear I never worried this much before.  Sheesh.

No, I'm not delusional about my life; I realize that where grief is concerned, sometimes there is no control.  Despite my current state of perpetual happiness, a discussion about father's day brought tears to my eyes.  I am not sure I will move past this one last major obstacle any time soon.  My kids were screwed.  I am still feeling the pressure of being the memory keeper, the one whose job it is to tell them about what life was like with their daddy, about how much he loved them and even about how much they loved him in return.  It's a strange phenomenon to think they won't remember how much they loved him.  In the end, their memories of the man who would have gone to the ends of the Earth for them will be derived from me and with that comes the need for great balance as well as cautious evaluation.  


For the record, Maya made her father's day project for her Papa, my dad.  Just typing that made my eyes tear up.  I hate that her life isn't just normal.  No, I don't think she is shrouded by sadness.  In fact I truly believe she has adjusted very well and continues to.  I suppose my desire lies in the fact that I don't want my kids to feel like they don't fit in with their friends and their world.  In reality, our life will only feel as normal as I make it feel.  I need to jump this last hurdle...the one in which I accept that this is ok for Maya and Owen also and that despite this enormous loss, we will all find love and happiness again.


Maya's last day of preschool brought a flood of memories.  September was such an exciting month as she started her first year of preschool.  Chris and I couldn't believe our baby was ready for her first day and I was anxious about leaving her for 3 hours.  Little did I know I would come to cherish those 3 hours.  Maya jumped in with two feet and over the course of the year only had one drop off that involved tears.  She was loved at preschool and I am eternally grateful for wonderful teachers and a thoughtful director who filled my hands with literature about death, filled my mind with ideas on how to ease Maya through this major life change and always kept me in the loop about how she was adjusting to it all at school.  In the end, I know it's their job. These are their kids too.  To me, as the mother of a child who has gone through an extreme loss, I am grateful for those who reached out to steady her in this storm.


There are still three first left in our year.  Owen's second birthday is in just over a month.  Chris' 35th birthday is in August and then there is the one year mark.  There are still hurdles but I know there will be happiness to steady our lives throughout the remainder of this first year.  


In the end for each of the remaining firsts we have on our plate, I believe there will be twice the number of happy firsts.  Whether they fall in our laps or we create them, they will happen. 

I'm jumping in with two feet. 



Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Judgement

Maya was being her usual goofy self on the way home from swim but her silliness suddenly took an ugly turn.  She looked at Owen and said, "We're going to die some day. And then we can see daddy.  Yeah!  I can't wait Owen."  Nausea sets in..

A four year old should not be excited about dying but she also should not have to cope with the loss of her daddy.  But really, who am I to judge her excitement. 

On a whim I googled widow + dating.  Really, it was sort of an idiotic move.

I'm not sure what I was looking for, but I can guarantee I didn't find it.

Instead, I found a post by a woman appalled by her cousin who was dating after his wife's death.  At the time of her post it had been about 3 months.  I agree I was not ready after 3 months.  But who's to say he was not.  The woman even went as far as confessing she was 'venting' about the situation because it bothered her so profusely.  The responses that followed her posts mostly represented those appalled by the cousin's dating.  Many indicated they thought it was 'appropriate' to 'expect' a widow to wait a year 'out of respect.'  Of course, many of these responses also included the information that the responder was not a widow, but it was what they would do if they were widowed. 

Do people really imagine they would be widowed at 33 with a 3 1/2 year old and 16 month old?  I am a worst case scenario kind of person and never had I imagined the events that transpired leading me down the path of widowhood and single parenthood.  In the end, even if I had imagined it, I was so clueless.  There is no way I could know what would be right for any individual's journey through widowhood let alone ..... my own.

I wanted to track this poor man down.  Of course the post was dated 2009 thus the events are long passed.  I wanted to let him know he should make whatever choice he needed to for his life in that moment.  Life is about choices, good and bad.  My only advice is that choices be purposeful not haphazard. 

In the end, we all arrive at the pearly gates with bag full of good and our fair share of both questionable and plain bad choices. 

My insinuation is not that I am perfect.  I pass judgment as well.  But I suppose what I am truly wanting to say is, be sure you are being constructive and not destructive when you are helping anyone through a crisis or arduous journey.  This man, like all widows, was in the process of trying to discover who he is without his wife, without his marriage and ultimately without the life he once lead.  Though it seems like 'slow' is the favored path I would venture a guess it is not.  My journey through widowhood has thus far shown me some things are best faced head on and in the immediate.  This journey has a steep learning curve and with it the decisions are never ending.  

Shortly after Chris' death I had an interesting conversation.  It was one repeated over the first few months.  These conversations surrounded the question of whether Chris had been seeing a doctor and whether we knew about his Cardiovascular Hypertensive Disease.  He had not and did not.  He had refused to go to the doctor in the 7 1/2 years I had known him.  In this 'interesting' conversation I was told that this person 'made' their significant other go.  Ouch!  I wasn't mad, per say, about this response.  But it made my heart ache.  In retrospect, of course I wished I had made Chris go.  However, I couldn't and I didn't and now ultimately that doesn't matter.  He's dead.  So many things are said out of love with best intentions. 

No worries, this wasn't meant as a diatribe.  In my own pursuit of healing, this moment of using google to solve my life problems lead me down this path.  It's a lesson I need to learn just a well as the next person, widow or not.

In the words of Voltaire, judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.