I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.  -Maya Angelou

So I am not young but I'm trying to kick ass in this world.  Several months ago I decided it was about time to take control of my life again and find my own happiness.  Life had been happening to me which is not a pleasant experience and is extremely disheartening.  I decided I was ready but I was cautious about the kids and I wasn't sure if those in my life were as ready as I was, so I put it on the back burner.  


I was worried.  I swear I never worried this much before.  Sheesh.

No, I'm not delusional about my life; I realize that where grief is concerned, sometimes there is no control.  Despite my current state of perpetual happiness, a discussion about father's day brought tears to my eyes.  I am not sure I will move past this one last major obstacle any time soon.  My kids were screwed.  I am still feeling the pressure of being the memory keeper, the one whose job it is to tell them about what life was like with their daddy, about how much he loved them and even about how much they loved him in return.  It's a strange phenomenon to think they won't remember how much they loved him.  In the end, their memories of the man who would have gone to the ends of the Earth for them will be derived from me and with that comes the need for great balance as well as cautious evaluation.  


For the record, Maya made her father's day project for her Papa, my dad.  Just typing that made my eyes tear up.  I hate that her life isn't just normal.  No, I don't think she is shrouded by sadness.  In fact I truly believe she has adjusted very well and continues to.  I suppose my desire lies in the fact that I don't want my kids to feel like they don't fit in with their friends and their world.  In reality, our life will only feel as normal as I make it feel.  I need to jump this last hurdle...the one in which I accept that this is ok for Maya and Owen also and that despite this enormous loss, we will all find love and happiness again.


Maya's last day of preschool brought a flood of memories.  September was such an exciting month as she started her first year of preschool.  Chris and I couldn't believe our baby was ready for her first day and I was anxious about leaving her for 3 hours.  Little did I know I would come to cherish those 3 hours.  Maya jumped in with two feet and over the course of the year only had one drop off that involved tears.  She was loved at preschool and I am eternally grateful for wonderful teachers and a thoughtful director who filled my hands with literature about death, filled my mind with ideas on how to ease Maya through this major life change and always kept me in the loop about how she was adjusting to it all at school.  In the end, I know it's their job. These are their kids too.  To me, as the mother of a child who has gone through an extreme loss, I am grateful for those who reached out to steady her in this storm.


There are still three first left in our year.  Owen's second birthday is in just over a month.  Chris' 35th birthday is in August and then there is the one year mark.  There are still hurdles but I know there will be happiness to steady our lives throughout the remainder of this first year.  


In the end for each of the remaining firsts we have on our plate, I believe there will be twice the number of happy firsts.  Whether they fall in our laps or we create them, they will happen. 

I'm jumping in with two feet.