16

Today while in the car by myself I heard The End by Pearl Jam and was pushed into tears.  The song epitomizes so much of what I feel about the end of Chris' life.  The dreams that were given up, the life plan that as pushed aside, the future that became a blur. 

I am still amazd that I can be pushed back into those feelings so easily. 

Maya is forgetting.  In some ways I am thankful.  (Some of you gasped...I heard it).  I am thankful that the days of sheer begging for Chris to return, to go see him in Heaven, to have one last hug and kiss, one last daddy's song....they are gone.  349 days later those moments have been repaced by passing notations that she misses her daddy or retelling of memories from 'when daddy was here.'  I still find that my voice momentarily catches, my heart races and my jaw tightenes.  We made such great memories.  Chris was always so greatful for all the family time we had and adventures we planned with the kids. 

Owen....really there is so litte to say.  My boy looks more and more like his dad as the days and months pass.  He has Chris' mischevious grin and the twinkle in his eye.  But the memories, there are not any.  As always, I am troubled by what this means for his future.

I'm not sure what the next 16 days will bring or how I will feel on November 17 and 9:30 a.m.  I'm not sure what that moment will entail mentally and emotionally for me.  But...it's coming, like a passenger train with an on time arrival..only the passengers on this train are emotions and memories. 

In my brain, I feel like I need to toast Chris.  His laughter and enthusiasm made my world a happy place.  He entrusted in me two beautiful children and for that alone he will always hold a piece of my heart and I will aways wonder what he would say and think about how I am doing...in my life, with our children, headed into my future.