Happiness

I have logged in and out trying to decide what to write.

My life is strangely 'normal' with the moderate roller coaster of residual grief that is ever present.  I am convinced this grief will always weigh on my heart in some capacity especially in those moments when Maya talks about Chris.  They heartache I feel watching my child work through this loss is still raw. 

Right now, this grief is mostly present in two capacities.  Plain and simple I miss Chris.  I truly believe I will die with the sadness of his sudden absence on my heart.  Second, the grief is ever present in Maya.  The other day we watched Tangled for the millionth time and she asked, as Flynn Ryder dies, if dying is like sleeping.  Yes, it can look like sleeping but it's very different, was my answer as the vision of Chris looking like he sat down and fell asleep lingered in the back of my mind.

On Monday, as we walked through Fred Meyer our conversation wandered from the definition of divorce, why Shaun's daughter was with her mom, if I was divorced, and ultimately Chris' death.  At one point as I said "No Maya, mommy and daddy didn't get divorced.  It's different when one person dies.  It's called being widowed," an older man walking by suddenly stopped and his jaw dropped to the ground.  I forget that these conversations can be stunning to the average person.  For us, they are normal and necessary.  My dating Shaun has brought up all sorts of subjects.  Maya was familiar with divorce because she has an aunt who is divorced and is now getting married.  I suppose in a way it set her up to understand Shaun and Rylie's life.  In the end, Maya asks major questions of which she only somewhat understands the answers to.  Lucky for me, I found a guy who has taken this head on, jumped in with two feet and doesn't hesitate to answers the difficult questions.

In the end, there is happiness.  More happiness than I imagined possible again in this life time.  

In this happiness has been the regiment of introductions both of Shaun to my family and friends as well as myself to his.  It's an interesting phenomenon primarily because my happiness is overwhelming.  When schedules have not allowed much more than a phone call and a few text messages, I miss Shaun immensely.  I'm reminded of this new normal where I am trying to mesh my ongoing life with Shaun's.  Transition.  In these moments of introductions, the rawness is extraordinary.  For a moment there is the once over analysis, the welcome, the awkward questions and even the silence.  I won't lie and say the road of introductions has been smooth, because it certainly has not.  There have been moments where I can see the pain of Chris' death resonate in the eyes of my friends and family.  As Owen climbs comfortably up to snuggle into Shaun's lap, I wonder if my friends and family find that moment painful.  The transition is amazingly easy for Owen but unlike the rest of us he has spent 1/3 of his life without Chris.  He has no recollection of the phone calls in which Chris' death was relayed or the massive medic and police response.  For this I am both grateful and sad.  I know that this new chapter is, in some ways, more difficult for some people who are watching it happen.  They aren't sure what to think, they don't know what to feel...moving forward is ...well, hard.   

Happiness.

Two months ago, as I pondered the dating world I wondered about a plethora of issues ranging from whether I should wait until a year had come and gone to whether I would ever find someone who could fill my life with the love, laughter and comfort I craved.  In the end, my intention was to go on a single date with Shaun.  Get to know him, explore my comfort with dating and figure out if I was truly ready for it all.  Instead I found someone I am enamored with.

And, because so many of you have asked...here's how we met.

On May 26th I had my hair done...my appointment was 3 hours long, as always, during which we talked a lot about my dating life.  Courtney, my hair dresser, has known me for 6 years...through all of this and has gained an interesting perspective.  We were joking about where I would meet someone and stumbled on the idea of a dating website.  I brushed it off.  About 10 years ago, I signed up for one and ended up on a very awkward date with the older brother of one of my students (it was my first year teaching high school).  However, I woke up the next morning and decided, just maybe I would do it.

So I did....May 27th.  That day I got an email from a guy in an army uniform who said he liked my smile.  They whole thing made me laugh.  I wasn't at all sold on the idea of meeting someone on the Internet.  But, instead of deleting the email, I responded...and he wrote back....and I wrote back.  That night he sent me his cell number and we texted for a couple of days until he called...at 6:00 a.m. on his way home from work.  He was funny, interesting, smart....and I was sold on at least checking him out in person.

A couple phone calls later, he told me he was leaving for three weeks for training.  I remember laughing out loud, thinking, seriously dude!  You decided to get to know someone a week before you leave for almost a month.  Really, I wrote off the whole thing at that point.  We had set up a date which ultimately fell through when he had to leave for training a day earlier.  Really, there were two opportunities to see him that week but I didn't make the effort.  I really did write it off.  Nice guy, wrong time.   

Despite my writing it all off as a 'could have been' we wound up texting constantly, talking several times a day and I totally fell for him in a very unconventional way....because, of course, we hadn't even met in person yet.  He sent pictures of what he was doing, answered my random questions and we spent tons of time talking about our lives and the past.  After two weeks I couldn't stand it any more and decided to take a road trip to Yakima.

I was super early and wasted time in Ellensburg getting my oil changed then headed on to meet Shaun.  Still early I stopped to get something to drink at a gas station down the street.  I walked out and noticed I had missed a call, only to look up and see this tall, incredibly good looking guy in uniform getting out of a Humvee.  Maybe I should back track and say, the uniform thing, was never really me.  It absolutely is now.  It took me a split second to realize...it was him.  His smile, his eyes, I was sold on him.

Ultimately we only had about 13 hours to spend together but the drive was absolutely worth it.

You can probably guess there have been loads of deep discussion in the 3 weeks since he came home.  Maya is old enough to need an explanation about what a boyfriend is, why people get divorced, where Rylie is when she's not around, why we don't visit Rylie at her mom's, the difference between widowhood and divorce, etc.  Not to mention the idea of dating at 34 with kids, life obligations, etc. is a completely different world than dating at 25.  We've also tackled the outings with two, 2 year olds and a 4 year old.  Shaun's daughter is one day younger than Owen...weird, right?  We've been asked if they are twins, if we have triplets and are learning to navigate being totally outnumbered.  I'm always outnumbered but one of them is just mouthy...not a run away.  Two run aways is a different story. 

In the moments I stop to catch my breath, I feel like Shaun has been a part of me, always.  Life took a tragic, unexpected turn, yet I have found myself in a place I know I am meant to be with a person I know I am meant to be with.  In those moments I count my blessing for a phenomenal man whom I am absolutely in love with. 

Details

The sheer number of emails and text messages I have received about about the new man in my life floored me.  However, it really shouldn't have given the fact I have written so openly about my life since Chris died and know that so many closely follow our journey through this world so of course you would be curious. I've been an open book which begs the question, why not now?

When Chris died my life became this open book.  To answer the bombardment of questions, I began writing about it all.  It was amazingly cathartic despite the overwhelming loss of privacy.  The loss of privacy was healing and continues to be.  I never feel like I take a step alone.  On the nights I would write about the 'ugly' cry at 2 a.m. I would almost immediately receive a text or email from someone who had just read about it and wanted to send their love my way.  The response was immediate and reassuring.  Grief strips you of privacy in the same way that childbirth does.  There is no hiding the rawness and reality of it all. 

Now, for the first time in many months, I had something that was my secret and I wanted to keep it that way.  Of course, I couldn't help but leak a few details.  He's too amazing not to.

So here's what you need to know.  He is amazingly sweet, and kind and thoughtful.  He is funny and goofy and adorable.  He is enamored by his almost 2 year old daughter.  He is intelligent, hard working and well spoken.  He's got beautiful eyes that are hard to look away from and he is even more gorgeous in person than in any picture

In 4 days he comes back from training and I am sure you then will hear more about him.  Until you meet him, you'll just have to take my word about how fantastic he is.

Total Bombshell

I know it was a bombshell.  A few of you knew, but I had been enjoying my secret.  For once something in my life was just mine and it was happy and I loved it!  For once I wasn't hiding pain and sadness and it was such a welcome relief I almost didn't want to share. 

But I outed myself; he's too wonderful not to share at least a little about.  I have a boyfriend though the word seems to apply to 15 year old high school students and not my life.

I had contemplated dating again back in April but had spoken the words aloud to very few.  The reactions I got were slightly questionable which made me wonder if I was insane.  But here's the deal.  Widowhood is an in-your-face sort of experience.  I feel like I am and have always faced it head on.  At times it has kicked my ass but I finally arrived at a place of peace.  So, I stepped up to the plate...or the website.  I know, I know.  What is the world coming to?

It was one those surreal moments like picking the petals off a daisy, wondering if you're in or out?

I won't divulge too many details, but I was in.  

A week after we started emailing, texting and talking on the phone he left for training 3 hours away.  At first I thought, oh well...he was nice.  Instead it lead to about 5,000 text messages...and counting since he isn't home for 4 more days.  I did, however, get to go see him last Saturday....

I wasn't expecting this.  I'm reading this book called Sing You Home and in it this girl talks about her counselor working her way into her troubled life.  Ok, so the scenario is very different BUT her words are applicable.  She said "She kind of crept up on me.  But...not like in a bad way.  Like when you're standing on the beach right down by the ocean, and you think you've got a handle on it, and then when you look down again you've sunk so far that the water's up to your hips.  And before you can get freaked out, you realize you actually don't mind going swimming."  That's how this is.

Instead of overwhelming anxiety about meeting him, there was peace and I realized it was not just good, it was awesome.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.  -Maya Angelou

So I am not young but I'm trying to kick ass in this world.  Several months ago I decided it was about time to take control of my life again and find my own happiness.  Life had been happening to me which is not a pleasant experience and is extremely disheartening.  I decided I was ready but I was cautious about the kids and I wasn't sure if those in my life were as ready as I was, so I put it on the back burner.  


I was worried.  I swear I never worried this much before.  Sheesh.

No, I'm not delusional about my life; I realize that where grief is concerned, sometimes there is no control.  Despite my current state of perpetual happiness, a discussion about father's day brought tears to my eyes.  I am not sure I will move past this one last major obstacle any time soon.  My kids were screwed.  I am still feeling the pressure of being the memory keeper, the one whose job it is to tell them about what life was like with their daddy, about how much he loved them and even about how much they loved him in return.  It's a strange phenomenon to think they won't remember how much they loved him.  In the end, their memories of the man who would have gone to the ends of the Earth for them will be derived from me and with that comes the need for great balance as well as cautious evaluation.  


For the record, Maya made her father's day project for her Papa, my dad.  Just typing that made my eyes tear up.  I hate that her life isn't just normal.  No, I don't think she is shrouded by sadness.  In fact I truly believe she has adjusted very well and continues to.  I suppose my desire lies in the fact that I don't want my kids to feel like they don't fit in with their friends and their world.  In reality, our life will only feel as normal as I make it feel.  I need to jump this last hurdle...the one in which I accept that this is ok for Maya and Owen also and that despite this enormous loss, we will all find love and happiness again.


Maya's last day of preschool brought a flood of memories.  September was such an exciting month as she started her first year of preschool.  Chris and I couldn't believe our baby was ready for her first day and I was anxious about leaving her for 3 hours.  Little did I know I would come to cherish those 3 hours.  Maya jumped in with two feet and over the course of the year only had one drop off that involved tears.  She was loved at preschool and I am eternally grateful for wonderful teachers and a thoughtful director who filled my hands with literature about death, filled my mind with ideas on how to ease Maya through this major life change and always kept me in the loop about how she was adjusting to it all at school.  In the end, I know it's their job. These are their kids too.  To me, as the mother of a child who has gone through an extreme loss, I am grateful for those who reached out to steady her in this storm.


There are still three first left in our year.  Owen's second birthday is in just over a month.  Chris' 35th birthday is in August and then there is the one year mark.  There are still hurdles but I know there will be happiness to steady our lives throughout the remainder of this first year.  


In the end for each of the remaining firsts we have on our plate, I believe there will be twice the number of happy firsts.  Whether they fall in our laps or we create them, they will happen. 

I'm jumping in with two feet.