Right now...I have this dysfunctional relationship with break up songs. Odd because really, I wasn't broken up with. The stage I am in, however, evokes feelings remarkably similar to being broken up with. Here is the song playing this morning while my kids are with grandma.
If I'm honest, I feel like God has stolen my heart from me...collected it in a jar. This isn't fair, I know. Trust me I don't want to cast blame but, right now, I am. How am I supposed to love again after experiencing such piercing anguish? Leaping into love blindly when I met Chris was not scary; it was exciting, thrilling, hopeful. Now that my heart has been shredded, it's terrifying to even consider the possibility. What if it were to happen again? What if the person I have become is dysfunctional out of self-preservation? What if soulmates do exist and mine is in Heaven? What if I can't bear ever watching my children suffer such a major blow as this?
Then, there is the song I can't listen to without shedding an enormous number of tears ....
I'm sure you can guess why after just reading the title. It just reminds me how much Chris loved his baby girl. He had to let her go too soon...and didn't even get to experience a fraction of her life with her. I feel so angry about that. I'm at a point I can handle this life and I've put my big girl panties on and can deal with this...I can despite my lack of desire to do so. It's my kids I feel angry for. It's insane to think our life with Chris will become such a distant reality.
Last night I laid down to sleep at 4 a.m....and I couldn't help but think that I just don't fit in, even in this altered reality. When the sun has set, my house is quiet and the silence has set in, what is left?
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
The Journey
Chris,
There is so much going on that my mind is swirling and I keep turning to figure out who to tell, who to confide in yet there isn't you. The funny thing is that the things going on are all related to so many things you and I discussed often.
Today I met sweet Amelia Christine and she is an amazing bundle of love. Those cheeks are incredible. I can't help but wonder where you are watching all of this. What are you thinking about? How do you go about supporting the people you love? I wish you were here to share this time with your brother. Jer is in for it with three girls in his house!! Watching Sarah come in to see Amelia was incredible. It reminded me of Maya coming to visit us at the hospital. How complete we felt. It's so cliche but it felt like Owen had always been a part of our family. I loved watching Jer and Trish have this same experience with their girls today.
Amelia's birth has brought about so many interesting conversations with Maya. They would have you rolling. Today I got to explain that some babies come out of the mom's vagina while others come out via a surgery. Wow...she, of course, had to tell grandma she came out of my.... Silly girl.
At bedtime Maya and I talked about how Amelia has just come to us from heaven. She liked the idea that you sent her here with hugs and kisses. I hope that that is truly how this world works. I want to have faith that you are there acquainted with those who are coming to join us and that you are able to help us all on our journeys here on Earth. I am trying Chris but this faith thing..it's hard.
This journey is rocky and just when I feel like I am in control, I realize I'm not. You know me...it makes me pissy. I just hope I'm doing OK but in reality I don't want to be just mediocre. I'm worried about our kids and I'm worried about myself. Truly I am just trying to make this life everything you and I dreamed it would be but I feel like after 5 days I need a serious break which doesn't feel right and then, I feel like I'm failing miserably by needing it. I know I'm not, but I can't help but be so hard on myself.
I love you Chris. I know that you know...the secret I'm dying to share with you but I want to call your work phone and tell you not just wonder what you think about it....
Sabrina
There is so much going on that my mind is swirling and I keep turning to figure out who to tell, who to confide in yet there isn't you. The funny thing is that the things going on are all related to so many things you and I discussed often.
Today I met sweet Amelia Christine and she is an amazing bundle of love. Those cheeks are incredible. I can't help but wonder where you are watching all of this. What are you thinking about? How do you go about supporting the people you love? I wish you were here to share this time with your brother. Jer is in for it with three girls in his house!! Watching Sarah come in to see Amelia was incredible. It reminded me of Maya coming to visit us at the hospital. How complete we felt. It's so cliche but it felt like Owen had always been a part of our family. I loved watching Jer and Trish have this same experience with their girls today.
Amelia's birth has brought about so many interesting conversations with Maya. They would have you rolling. Today I got to explain that some babies come out of the mom's vagina while others come out via a surgery. Wow...she, of course, had to tell grandma she came out of my.... Silly girl.
At bedtime Maya and I talked about how Amelia has just come to us from heaven. She liked the idea that you sent her here with hugs and kisses. I hope that that is truly how this world works. I want to have faith that you are there acquainted with those who are coming to join us and that you are able to help us all on our journeys here on Earth. I am trying Chris but this faith thing..it's hard.
This journey is rocky and just when I feel like I am in control, I realize I'm not. You know me...it makes me pissy. I just hope I'm doing OK but in reality I don't want to be just mediocre. I'm worried about our kids and I'm worried about myself. Truly I am just trying to make this life everything you and I dreamed it would be but I feel like after 5 days I need a serious break which doesn't feel right and then, I feel like I'm failing miserably by needing it. I know I'm not, but I can't help but be so hard on myself.
I love you Chris. I know that you know...the secret I'm dying to share with you but I want to call your work phone and tell you not just wonder what you think about it....
Sabrina
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Commentary...
Though my mantra has had me holding out hope that the end of April will bring the end of a very stressful time, in reality the milestones will continue with the half year mark on the horizon. Then we will be on the back side of that first year....
Struggling to focus on either Easter or Maya's birthday, I put off much of my preparations and didn't even have a concrete plan for her actual birthday until the evening before. Lucky for me, I have great family and friends who would come in a moment's notice to be with us.
In the end, we had an Easter/Birthday Party which included a castle pinata, Easter egg hunt for the five kiddos, lunch, yummy cake pops, a few presents and then a nontraditional dinner of salmon. Full, fun day for all of us.
As I lit the candle to sing to Maya, I couldn't help take a moment to look at my family and wonder where Chris would have been standing and picture the grin I know would have been spread across his face. He loved his girl so much and couldn't believe how fast she was growing up, even five months ago.
At bedtime, I couldn't help bringing him up to Maya. As she snuggled into bed I asked her if she could think of one more person who would love to tell her happy birthday. Daddy... Then she talked about how he would have been singing to her and telling her happy birthday. She asked why she couldn't hear him say Happy Birthday but we agreed that we could feel him say it in our hearts. The conversation, again, went to the questions about Chris falling in the shower and turning blue. My explanation repeated my answer..no he didn't fall and no he didn't turn blue...his body stopped working. Tonight she asked me something she had never before..."Does Daddy want to come back to be with me?" I was thankful the lights were out because I was silently crying. Of course he does. How could he not? She told me she had an idea...she would go back to being a baby so daddy could come back and stay for a long, long time.
Tomorrow we will (hopefully) welcome my niece Amelia Christine to this world. What a bitter sweet moment. I can't wait to hold that bundle in my arms. Part of me wants to feel close to someone who is so close to the other side. I wonder if she knows her uncle Chris. I know Chris would be so excited for his brother and razzing him about another daughter. More milestones...more firsts.
Today I feel sad because of the empty space Chris' death left in Maya's life. So many people have stepped up to help fill this void for her and for that I am very appreciative. I am longing to have that conversation today about how amazing it is that Maya is growing up so fast.
At the same time, I am thinking about the funeral I attended last Wednesday for sweet Sawyer who passed on before she was able to take her first breath in this world. The grief of her parents was so difficult to watch yet, I could almost feel it emanating from them. Grief is palpable. The death of this sweet baby has had me analyzing my own life, my own grief and my journey to healing. Watching these parents support each other, watching the pain of the separation from their child had me wondering what Chris is feeling about the separation from his children. I do feel like he is at peace, but I can't help but wonder what he thinks about missing their lives in the physical sense.
Happy Birthday to my sweet girl. I cannot believe you are four! You have become an intelligent, creative, caring, and vivacious little girl. How blessed I am to be your mother, monkey!
Struggling to focus on either Easter or Maya's birthday, I put off much of my preparations and didn't even have a concrete plan for her actual birthday until the evening before. Lucky for me, I have great family and friends who would come in a moment's notice to be with us.
In the end, we had an Easter/Birthday Party which included a castle pinata, Easter egg hunt for the five kiddos, lunch, yummy cake pops, a few presents and then a nontraditional dinner of salmon. Full, fun day for all of us.
As I lit the candle to sing to Maya, I couldn't help take a moment to look at my family and wonder where Chris would have been standing and picture the grin I know would have been spread across his face. He loved his girl so much and couldn't believe how fast she was growing up, even five months ago.
At bedtime, I couldn't help bringing him up to Maya. As she snuggled into bed I asked her if she could think of one more person who would love to tell her happy birthday. Daddy... Then she talked about how he would have been singing to her and telling her happy birthday. She asked why she couldn't hear him say Happy Birthday but we agreed that we could feel him say it in our hearts. The conversation, again, went to the questions about Chris falling in the shower and turning blue. My explanation repeated my answer..no he didn't fall and no he didn't turn blue...his body stopped working. Tonight she asked me something she had never before..."Does Daddy want to come back to be with me?" I was thankful the lights were out because I was silently crying. Of course he does. How could he not? She told me she had an idea...she would go back to being a baby so daddy could come back and stay for a long, long time.
Tomorrow we will (hopefully) welcome my niece Amelia Christine to this world. What a bitter sweet moment. I can't wait to hold that bundle in my arms. Part of me wants to feel close to someone who is so close to the other side. I wonder if she knows her uncle Chris. I know Chris would be so excited for his brother and razzing him about another daughter. More milestones...more firsts.
Today I feel sad because of the empty space Chris' death left in Maya's life. So many people have stepped up to help fill this void for her and for that I am very appreciative. I am longing to have that conversation today about how amazing it is that Maya is growing up so fast.
At the same time, I am thinking about the funeral I attended last Wednesday for sweet Sawyer who passed on before she was able to take her first breath in this world. The grief of her parents was so difficult to watch yet, I could almost feel it emanating from them. Grief is palpable. The death of this sweet baby has had me analyzing my own life, my own grief and my journey to healing. Watching these parents support each other, watching the pain of the separation from their child had me wondering what Chris is feeling about the separation from his children. I do feel like he is at peace, but I can't help but wonder what he thinks about missing their lives in the physical sense.
Happy Birthday to my sweet girl. I cannot believe you are four! You have become an intelligent, creative, caring, and vivacious little girl. How blessed I am to be your mother, monkey!
Maya's Fourth Birthday!!!
I found out I was pregnant with Maya the first week of September 2006 and we were surprised. Here is my baby bump at 16 weeks then at 39 weeks.
Meeting Maya....
Meeting Mommy!
Meeting Daddy!
Three months old and all dressed up!
Six Months Old Goofy Girl
Nine Month Old Sweetie!
Towel Girl...One Year Old!!
Eighteen Months Old..looking sad.
Two Years Old..growing up fast!
Two and a Half year old Snow White
Three Years Old...meeting Rosetta!
Three and a half year old Ariel!
Meeting Maya....
Meeting Mommy!
Meeting Daddy!
Three months old and all dressed up!
Six Months Old Goofy Girl
Nine Month Old Sweetie!
Towel Girl...One Year Old!!
Eighteen Months Old..looking sad.
Two Years Old..growing up fast!
Three Years Old...meeting Rosetta!
Three and a half year old Ariel!
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