So Much

I balked at posting the past two posts primarily because I was taken aback by the cruel judgment and couldn't decide how much of my life I cared to remark about.  Alas, I have come full circle and here I am, even posting the previously unpublished posts.  This, however, is about our life.

At the end of June, I had 1 and 3 year photos taken of Maya and Owen.  Here are a few of my favorites. I still cannot believe my babies are growing up so fast!

 Birthdays in July are now in mass.  Owen had his 2nd birthday on July 18th followed by Riley's 2nd birthday on July 19th and Shaun's birthday on July 23rd.  We celebrated Owen's birthday at Pump it Up and Riley's with grandma and grandpa Phillips.

At the end of July myself, Maya and Owen were in my sister Tori's wedding.  Unfortunately both Maya and Owen had injuries....Owen got into a fight with a shelf and lost which resulted in a black eye and three stitches.  Maya got into a fight with the arm rest on the couch and lost which resulted in a very swollen cheek and one stitch.  Either way, I'm shocked CPS wasn't called as it was the two days in a row prior to Tori's wedding.  

In August we took a leap of faith and took all three kids tent camping with two other couples:  six adults and seven kids ranging from 4 months to 4 1/2 years.  The kids had a blast despite a very sleep deprived Riley who wasn't digging the whole tent sleeping thing.  Overall, however, we made some great memories and it will definitely be a trip to look back on and laugh. 

Finally some random photos...playing in the backyard, painting, playing at Grandma and Papa's, jet skiing in Brewster and bubble baths!

This summer has been one of learning, loving and the beginning of a wonderful life with three of the most amazing kids.  I am astonished at where I have found myself but I have never felt more at peace with the direction of my life and how my kids are transitioning.  We have had an awesome summer and I'm excited to see where fall will take us!

Judgment

Today, what would have been Chris' 35th birthday, I woke up at 4:45 a.m. to a text from a friend, more or less warning me about a post of my Facebook page...yes Facebook.

Today, as I read scathing remarks from this person I came to the point where I wondered who really is in a position to judge my life, my decisions, my path.  In the end I stand by every decision I have made and the path I have chosen for myself as well as my children.

The question remains, how does one disregard the judgment of another?  I am at a loss to understand when this became about anyone else but Chris and those close to him.

I'm tired.  Tired of feeling judged, feeling like so many need to voice their opinion about my life let alone the picture I post on my facebook page.

I'm shocked that the path of grief must become to guarded.  It's hard to know whom to trust.  Chris' death left an enormous gap of uncertainty and insecurity.  So why would anyone exacerbate this and offer up a cruel and judgmental opinion to a situation that is not even impacting them.   

Back in Time

There are moments where the smallest things momentarily propel me back in time.  It happens quite rarely but yesterday the hole in my heart was quite apparent.

My kids were ushered away by my dad and I washed the carpet in the living room and on the stairs after which I stopped for a break and I glanced at my email and scrolled through Facebook on my phone.  That's when it happened.

A Facebook post.

I was reminded in that post about the confirmation I was always expecting from Chris.  Of course, immediately after his death I spent weeks agonizing about the fact that I didn't sense he was dying only 15 feet from where I sat with the kids watching cartoons.  I felt like, he being my spouse, I should be 'allowed' some sort of confirmation of the other side, of his peace, of his passage.  Almost 9 months out.  Nothing.  Of course most of you know I stopped expecting anything about 6 months ago.

I was also reminded by this post that my life is great.  I am smiling, laughing and that fog from the initial phase of grief lifted long ago.  Taking this post to heart, I have to say I know Chris is at peace with my life and with the path I have chosen for myself and our kids.  I know he is because the man in my life is so patient, loving, playful, and silly with not only me but with Maya and Owen as well.  

Of course, I spent the past 24 hours thinking about this post then got on just now only to glance at one of the widow blogs as I signed in to find a judgmental post about dating in the first year.  The writer described herself as feeling ticked off when others got into relationship and 'ran to the alter'.  What also surprised me was the response which indicated the writer feeling that every new widow who gets into a relationship will wake from the fog to find themselves with the wrong person and in the wrong place.

I know that not everyone was or is ready to see me in a relationship and that widows have their own sense of what the journey should look like.  Honestly, when I met Shaun I wasn't sure I was ready to see myself in a relationship either.  It was more of an experiment.  Now, it's my life and my love.  Two months into this relationship it is still new and we are still figuring out our rhythm with three kids, two dogs, rotating days with one child, work and activities.  But the hiccups are few and the love is amazing.   

My life events and experiences have lead me to this point, to this love, to this new life.  I am amazed by Shaun's comfort with my widowhood, with the space in my heart which will always miss Chris, with my guilt that my children will not know the father who loved them so fiercely.  I am amazed and comforted that he gives me space for these feelings, has no sense of animosity toward my situation and supports my need to keep Chris' spirit and memory alive.  Our lives lead us to one another, I have no doubt about that fact.

Happiness

I have logged in and out trying to decide what to write.

My life is strangely 'normal' with the moderate roller coaster of residual grief that is ever present.  I am convinced this grief will always weigh on my heart in some capacity especially in those moments when Maya talks about Chris.  They heartache I feel watching my child work through this loss is still raw. 

Right now, this grief is mostly present in two capacities.  Plain and simple I miss Chris.  I truly believe I will die with the sadness of his sudden absence on my heart.  Second, the grief is ever present in Maya.  The other day we watched Tangled for the millionth time and she asked, as Flynn Ryder dies, if dying is like sleeping.  Yes, it can look like sleeping but it's very different, was my answer as the vision of Chris looking like he sat down and fell asleep lingered in the back of my mind.

On Monday, as we walked through Fred Meyer our conversation wandered from the definition of divorce, why Shaun's daughter was with her mom, if I was divorced, and ultimately Chris' death.  At one point as I said "No Maya, mommy and daddy didn't get divorced.  It's different when one person dies.  It's called being widowed," an older man walking by suddenly stopped and his jaw dropped to the ground.  I forget that these conversations can be stunning to the average person.  For us, they are normal and necessary.  My dating Shaun has brought up all sorts of subjects.  Maya was familiar with divorce because she has an aunt who is divorced and is now getting married.  I suppose in a way it set her up to understand Shaun and Rylie's life.  In the end, Maya asks major questions of which she only somewhat understands the answers to.  Lucky for me, I found a guy who has taken this head on, jumped in with two feet and doesn't hesitate to answers the difficult questions.

In the end, there is happiness.  More happiness than I imagined possible again in this life time.  

In this happiness has been the regiment of introductions both of Shaun to my family and friends as well as myself to his.  It's an interesting phenomenon primarily because my happiness is overwhelming.  When schedules have not allowed much more than a phone call and a few text messages, I miss Shaun immensely.  I'm reminded of this new normal where I am trying to mesh my ongoing life with Shaun's.  Transition.  In these moments of introductions, the rawness is extraordinary.  For a moment there is the once over analysis, the welcome, the awkward questions and even the silence.  I won't lie and say the road of introductions has been smooth, because it certainly has not.  There have been moments where I can see the pain of Chris' death resonate in the eyes of my friends and family.  As Owen climbs comfortably up to snuggle into Shaun's lap, I wonder if my friends and family find that moment painful.  The transition is amazingly easy for Owen but unlike the rest of us he has spent 1/3 of his life without Chris.  He has no recollection of the phone calls in which Chris' death was relayed or the massive medic and police response.  For this I am both grateful and sad.  I know that this new chapter is, in some ways, more difficult for some people who are watching it happen.  They aren't sure what to think, they don't know what to feel...moving forward is ...well, hard.   

Happiness.

Two months ago, as I pondered the dating world I wondered about a plethora of issues ranging from whether I should wait until a year had come and gone to whether I would ever find someone who could fill my life with the love, laughter and comfort I craved.  In the end, my intention was to go on a single date with Shaun.  Get to know him, explore my comfort with dating and figure out if I was truly ready for it all.  Instead I found someone I am enamored with.

And, because so many of you have asked...here's how we met.

On May 26th I had my hair done...my appointment was 3 hours long, as always, during which we talked a lot about my dating life.  Courtney, my hair dresser, has known me for 6 years...through all of this and has gained an interesting perspective.  We were joking about where I would meet someone and stumbled on the idea of a dating website.  I brushed it off.  About 10 years ago, I signed up for one and ended up on a very awkward date with the older brother of one of my students (it was my first year teaching high school).  However, I woke up the next morning and decided, just maybe I would do it.

So I did....May 27th.  That day I got an email from a guy in an army uniform who said he liked my smile.  They whole thing made me laugh.  I wasn't at all sold on the idea of meeting someone on the Internet.  But, instead of deleting the email, I responded...and he wrote back....and I wrote back.  That night he sent me his cell number and we texted for a couple of days until he called...at 6:00 a.m. on his way home from work.  He was funny, interesting, smart....and I was sold on at least checking him out in person.

A couple phone calls later, he told me he was leaving for three weeks for training.  I remember laughing out loud, thinking, seriously dude!  You decided to get to know someone a week before you leave for almost a month.  Really, I wrote off the whole thing at that point.  We had set up a date which ultimately fell through when he had to leave for training a day earlier.  Really, there were two opportunities to see him that week but I didn't make the effort.  I really did write it off.  Nice guy, wrong time.   

Despite my writing it all off as a 'could have been' we wound up texting constantly, talking several times a day and I totally fell for him in a very unconventional way....because, of course, we hadn't even met in person yet.  He sent pictures of what he was doing, answered my random questions and we spent tons of time talking about our lives and the past.  After two weeks I couldn't stand it any more and decided to take a road trip to Yakima.

I was super early and wasted time in Ellensburg getting my oil changed then headed on to meet Shaun.  Still early I stopped to get something to drink at a gas station down the street.  I walked out and noticed I had missed a call, only to look up and see this tall, incredibly good looking guy in uniform getting out of a Humvee.  Maybe I should back track and say, the uniform thing, was never really me.  It absolutely is now.  It took me a split second to realize...it was him.  His smile, his eyes, I was sold on him.

Ultimately we only had about 13 hours to spend together but the drive was absolutely worth it.

You can probably guess there have been loads of deep discussion in the 3 weeks since he came home.  Maya is old enough to need an explanation about what a boyfriend is, why people get divorced, where Rylie is when she's not around, why we don't visit Rylie at her mom's, the difference between widowhood and divorce, etc.  Not to mention the idea of dating at 34 with kids, life obligations, etc. is a completely different world than dating at 25.  We've also tackled the outings with two, 2 year olds and a 4 year old.  Shaun's daughter is one day younger than Owen...weird, right?  We've been asked if they are twins, if we have triplets and are learning to navigate being totally outnumbered.  I'm always outnumbered but one of them is just mouthy...not a run away.  Two run aways is a different story. 

In the moments I stop to catch my breath, I feel like Shaun has been a part of me, always.  Life took a tragic, unexpected turn, yet I have found myself in a place I know I am meant to be with a person I know I am meant to be with.  In those moments I count my blessing for a phenomenal man whom I am absolutely in love with.