World-Weariness

cyn·i·cal  (sn-kl)

adj.

1. Believing or showing the belief that people are motivated chiefly by base or selfish concerns; skeptical of the motives of others: a cynical dismissal of the politician's promise to reform the campaign finance system.

2. Selfishly or callously calculating: showed a cynical disregard for the safety of his troops in his efforts to advance his reputation.

3. Negative or pessimistic, as from world-weariness: a cynical view of the average voter's intelligence.

4. Expressing jaded or scornful skepticism or negativity: cynical laughter.

A few days ago someone boldly pointed out that I have a very cynical attitude.  Now, don't get me wrong, I fully admit I do but I also think I do with justified reason.  Basically, it's a defense mechanism.  I didn't at all take offense to this comment, but it did make me realize how I perhaps am vocalizing it excessively.  

Here's the lowdown...my husband died.  Are you shocked?  Ok, not fair, that was sarcasm, also a defense mechanism.

Really, I have always played these mind games I call 'worst case scenario' with myself.  For example, when Maya was a newborn my milk supply was low and she wasn't gaining weight.  At two weeks old she was still an ounce below her birth weight.  I was horrified and convinced she was going to die despite the fact the pediatrician told us to supplement with formula and all would be well.  Of course, instead I did start supplementing but laid her on my chest that afternoon after her first bottle, thinking that I would snuggle her in case she died.  So, this scenario obviously didn't happen as my 'worst case scenario' since she is a very healthy almost 4 year old in fact she started gaining so fast it startled me.  But, I am sure you can totally see where I am going with this.

Chris and I often had 'worst case scenario' discussions though I am fairly certain they were from my persuasion.  The topics varied from house fires to cancer to divorce.  Never, ever, did the discussion broach young, tragic death.  Always the death scenarios were far into the future.  Even in the divorce discussions it was more about the statistic and who would divorce that we know and not actually about us.  Because, you know, that sort of thing doesn't happen to us. (Don't worry, we were not talking about YOU.)

And then it happened, something worse...

I remember questioning whether this could even be real because I had never even imagined such a heinous ending to our marriage, our life, Chris' existence.  

Cynical?  Yes, right now I am but because of definition #4...negative or pessimistic because of world-weariness.  The world caught me off guard and took me to a place even my most negative thoughts had never taken me and I am feeling weary that it will take me there again thus I must be prepared this time. 

In the end, it's just an excuse I suppose.  I don't want to be cynical but it seems like the flip side to that coin right now is that the world owes me some goodness, which it doesn't so why go through life expecting good things to be handed to you on a silver platter.  At the same time, I don't want to expect the worse either...

Beginning today, I am warding off cynicism.