I feel like the beginning of fall has brought me full circle and now I am reliving your final days but without you.
In some moments my memories are sweet. We were always so busy with kid activities and family outings. Fall brought Halloween activities, birthday parties, visits to the pumpkin patch, holiday planning, football games. These things are beginning to revolve around me and I am spending a lot of time reminiscing about what these things were like with you. I miss your presence. At moments I feel the anger again that you are gone. It's been many months since I have felt anger, but grief is circular and it has emerged once again.
I am also spending a large amount of time thinking about how much our kids have changed. Just typing that sentence brought the tightness to my throat and tears to my eyes. In all of this past year that is what has been the most difficult for me. Not being single, not the title of widow, not the sleepless nights but the thought that you would have done anything to be here for Maya and Owen, to experience their childhood, to watch them grow and learn. It breaks my heart to think that though Owen can now pick you out in a picture, he doesn't have a single memory of you that he will be able to call his own. Maya is talking about you often. I am not sure if it is coincidental or if she senses something major is shifting as we head toward the one year mark. You would be excited by everything she is doing. She even went fishing with the pole we bought her last year. Despite the emerging attitude, she is still such a sweetheart.
I also find myself thinking about the things that you loved and that now go on without you. Husky football, the Broncos, Thanksgiving, camping, family vacations, Christmas, sushi, goody runs. It's hard to not think you feel like you are missing out on this world. How could you not feel like that when your children were so small when you died? It's difficult to think you feel at peace with not experiencing more of this world with us.
321 days in. 39 to go. But....then what? The countdown really seems insignificant in light of the fact that I have always pushed myself to remember that you are gone, eternally. Objects, rituals, clothing don't bring you back. After the 39 days have come and gone, life will still move forward further away from the moment you took your last breath and with that we all must move forward with our acceptance of and peace with the life that remains.
